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Shazerac
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Default Jun 16, 2018 at 11:55 AM
  #21
Just a thought. Sometimes when I have an experience like what you suffered through I write a loooooooong letter and let it all hang out. Betrayal, hurt, after all I did for you... you done me wrong. You selfish bastard! Curse his ancestors, wish that he would fall in a hole and fall straight to Hell. Be imaginative.
Get it all out.

Then burn the letter. Watch it go up in smoke and try to let your pain evaporate and float away and fall to ashes. Have a ritual like this helps release the bad feelings. Another thing I’ve done is write the name of the person or group that hurt me and abused me on a rock. Then I go to a river, lake, or the ocean and throw it in. I find it very cathartic.

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Default Jun 16, 2018 at 12:04 PM
  #22
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Originally Posted by Shazerac View Post
Just a thought. Sometimes when I have an experience like what you suffered through I write a loooooooong letter and let it all hang out. Betrayal, hurt, after all I did for you... you done me wrong. You selfish bastard! Curse his ancestors, wish that he would fall in a hole and fall straight to Hell. Be imaginative.
Get it all out.

Then burn the letter. Watch it go up in smoke and try to let your pain evaporate and float away and fall to ashes. Have a ritual like this helps release the bad feelings. Another thing I’ve done is write the name of the person or group that hurt me and abused me on a rock. Then I go to a river, lake, or the ocean and throw it in. I find it very cathartic.
Thanks, Shaz. I have written such lengthy letters, but haven't burned them as such, though it's such a great idea! Hmm... I have imagined replying back one more time if I did ever hear from him again but then again, he hardly deserves a response from me and I've already confronted him on most his BS. Maybe I will try this method.... heck, I will try anything in order to fully let this go!
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Default Jun 16, 2018 at 01:20 PM
  #23
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Originally Posted by golden_eve View Post
Yeah, all good points!

I am not so upset that the relationship didn't work out. It wasn't meant to.. he was a very bad man, and is not a good partner for me.

It doesn't matter so much imo the length of time that I am ruminating.. I mean, we were engaged after all, and we were together for a year. It is now eight or so months after our final breakup..... what I need to get to the bottom of is WHY I am ruminating so much.

Truth is, I am still kicking myself over this HUGE mistake I made... a mistake in judgement.... a mistake because I was so desperate for a relationship or love at the time, he love bombed me and I fed into it hook, line and sinker.... a mistake because I ignored all the warning signs, a mistake because I moved him here in a knee jerk reaction to his homelessness crisis, and against my better judgement. I feel I really should have known better, and that I could have done SO much better than that. After ALL I've been through with abusive relationships, I really should have known better. I've already learned this lesson... many times over.

I have a tendency to beat myself up endlessly over a mistake. I am very hard on myself... I am a perfectionist, and that comes from my parents and my upbringing. They are perfectionists and came down on me very hard, all my life.

I think I need greater compassion for myself for where I was mentally and emotionally at the time... I had just come out of one abusive relationship, and rebounded right into another abusive relationship. I was not in a good place in my life.. living under my parents' roof and not independently. I was emotionally vulnerable and he came into the picture.

I suppose I feel I really could have saved myself from a LOT of heartache and financial trouble had I just been smarter and far more aware, you know???

Yes, I am beating myself up, still. That is what the real crux of the issue is.... beneath my obsessing over his cruelty..... I am really just very angry at myself and feel SO very foolish and stupid.

Maybe if I can somehow forgive myself and find compassion for where I was then, maybe then I can finally let this go....

I also am ruminating over standing up to him, for my own self respect... something else I need to explore in therapy.

Good news is, I am in a far better place now. I am independent again, I have a full time job I am starting, I have a loving boyfriend and a healthy relationship for once... all good things... I am trying to embrace all these positives that have happened over the last many months.
There it is! I was waiting for you to admit that. You are ruminating cause you think it's your fault. So work on forgiving yourself and remember he was a master manipulator.

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Default Jun 16, 2018 at 01:30 PM
  #24
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Originally Posted by seesaw View Post
There it is! I was waiting for you to admit that. You are ruminating cause you think it's your fault. So work on forgiving yourself and remember he was a master manipulator.
LOL... applause! I got to the bottom of it, thanks to everyone's input and help, here!! Yes, I now see this much more clearly... thank you for your input and support!
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Default Jun 16, 2018 at 03:52 PM
  #25
The thing about forgiving oneself, for me personally is to go back and give myself an honest assessment of myself for starters. (I'm looking back on some of my personal journal notes and toggling back here, for the record)
"I truly thought.....xyz....
"I truly believed...xyz...
"I believed they were meeting me in the same place...same plane...shared vision..goals, etc...

"What I realized....

"...not having my better interests...
"...didn't recognize it because....(that's where the trusting nature comes to play for me)...focus on their life/complaints/critiques/emotions...
"....bottled things up....

Sometimes life becomes convoluted. And sometimes the toxic nature of a relationship isn't blatantly obvious. Sometimes it's insidious. How were you supposed to immediately know it wasn't right for you? Aren't some relationships designed to run their course?
Sometimes it's not immediately clear. Sometimes it's downright confusing because the guy can be giving you warmth and attention and it seems like it's legit. And to an extent it is legit. At the same time, is it with what's best for Eve or what's best/or in it for them?

My thought isn't so much on why he'd say that causing you to believe the entire thing was a lie or a shame but is he perfectly incapable of fostering the depth and nurturing that has you in mind?
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Default Jun 17, 2018 at 07:59 AM
  #26
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Originally Posted by healingme4me View Post
The thing about forgiving oneself, for me personally is to go back and give myself an honest assessment of myself for starters. (I'm looking back on some of my personal journal notes and toggling back here, for the record)
"I truly thought.....xyz....
"I truly believed...xyz...
"I believed they were meeting me in the same place...same plane...shared vision..goals, etc...

"What I realized....

"...not having my better interests...
"...didn't recognize it because....(that's where the trusting nature comes to play for me)...focus on their life/complaints/critiques/emotions...
"....bottled things up....

Sometimes life becomes convoluted. And sometimes the toxic nature of a relationship isn't blatantly obvious. Sometimes it's insidious. How were you supposed to immediately know it wasn't right for you? Aren't some relationships designed to run their course?
Sometimes it's not immediately clear. Sometimes it's downright confusing because the guy can be giving you warmth and attention and it seems like it's legit. And to an extent it is legit. At the same time, is it with what's best for Eve or what's best/or in it for them?

My thought isn't so much on why he'd say that causing you to believe the entire thing was a lie or a shame but is he perfectly incapable of fostering the depth and nurturing that has you in mind?
I like this approach..... very much. Thank you.

Some things were obvious in first few months that I should have paid greater attn. to --- stealing, being cruel to me once..... some doubts I had... I should have listened to my own doubts. But I cannot beat myself. up forever....
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Default Jun 17, 2018 at 08:06 AM
  #27
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Originally Posted by golden_eve View Post
I like this approach..... very much. Thank you.

Some things were obvious in first few months that I should have paid greater attn. to --- stealing, being cruel to me once..... some doubts I had... I should have listened to my own doubts. But I cannot beat myself. up forever....
Definitely cannot beat yourself up forever. I did for several years after my first serious bf. And boy did I ever pay for not forgiving myself. Wound up with the marriage that I did have as a long term result.
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Default Jun 17, 2018 at 08:15 AM
  #28
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Definitely cannot beat yourself up forever. I did for several years after my first serious bf. And boy did I ever pay for not forgiving myself. Wound up with the marriage that I did have as a long term result.
Yes, you're right. Self-forgiveness is an important step in healing.... I suppose that's where I need to be right now.
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Default Jun 17, 2018 at 12:38 PM
  #29
You gave this ex way more than he deserved and that is what you need to finally recognize about that relationship.
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Default Jun 17, 2018 at 01:09 PM
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You gave this ex way more than he deserved and that is what you need to finally recognize about that relationship.
YES.
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Default Jun 17, 2018 at 07:46 PM
  #31
First I want to wish you Seesaw well My take is you seem to be way overcritical about yourself We are all human and we make mistakes Thing to do is to learn from them Pleas don't be so hard on yourself. I too suffered an abusive, mostly verbal relationship Don't mean to compare. Only saying I can and do relate. Therapy helped me. I like reading the suggestions, insights of other members who posted here. I find them helpful reading different perspectives Hoping you received some benefits from the replies here too.
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Default Jun 18, 2018 at 06:32 AM
  #32
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First I want to wish you Seesaw well My take is you seem to be way overcritical about yourself We are all human and we make mistakes Thing to do is to learn from them Pleas don't be so hard on yourself. I too suffered an abusive, mostly verbal relationship Don't mean to compare. Only saying I can and do relate. Therapy helped me. I like reading the suggestions, insights of other members who posted here. I find them helpful reading different perspectives Hoping you received some benefits from the replies here too.
Thank you, though I think you meant me, Golden_Eve? You're right -- I am very hard on myself.. too hard on myself. Yes, this thread has helped me enormously.
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Default Jun 18, 2018 at 06:43 AM
  #33
I’ve had cruel words flung at me like poo, words that cut to the core by an evil narcissist, used like throwing knives. I am trying now to not set myself up for that any more. No more relationships with those people. Find new, better quality people who don’t fling poo.

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Default Jun 18, 2018 at 06:53 AM
  #34
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I’ve had cruel words flung at me like poo, words that cut to the core by an evil narcissist, used like throwing knives. I am trying now to not set myself up for that any more. No more relationships with those people. Find new, better quality people who don’t fling poo.
Yeah, same here.... many times over. And same with me. Right after this past relationship, I went to my therapist saying "teach me how to avoid toxic and abusive people".
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Default Jun 18, 2018 at 06:54 AM
  #35
Exactly. What is wrong with us in the first place, to have gotten into relationships with these people???

1. My mother— couldn’t avoid that. She programmed me. Hello!

How’s your relationship with yours?

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Default Jun 18, 2018 at 07:33 AM
  #36
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Exactly. What is wrong with us in the first place, to have gotten into relationships with these people???

1. My mother— couldn’t avoid that. She programmed me. Hello!

How’s your relationship with yours?
Yeah.... it was my father. He was emotionally abusive towards me and my sister. So guess what happened? We both got involved with abusive men! Go figure! My mom is fine, but she took his abuse when we were younger and never stood up to him, so I never learned how to respect my own boundaries and learned that abuse was acceptable.

There's nothing with us per se, we just got the raw end of the deal as kids. :/
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Default Jun 20, 2018 at 07:49 AM
  #37
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Yeah.... it was my father. He was emotionally abusive towards me and my sister. So guess what happened? We both got involved with abusive men! Go figure! My mom is fine, but she took his abuse when we were younger and never stood up to him, so I never learned how to respect my own boundaries and learned that abuse was acceptable.

There's nothing with us per se, we just got the raw end of the deal as kids. :/
Do you mimic your mother and take abuse, looking for men like your father?

My deal is I am mortified to hear my mother come out of my mouth to be verbally abusive to my husband. I vowed I would never be like her (such an abusive Narcissist), and I cannot help it when her anger and the way she thinks, it comes out of me. It repulses me so bad it makes me angry at myself and that is what triggers the Borderline behavior.

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Default Jun 20, 2018 at 08:54 AM
  #38
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Do you mimic your mother and take abuse, looking for men like your father?

My deal is I am mortified to hear my mother come out of my mouth to be verbally abusive to my husband. I vowed I would never be like her (such an abusive Narcissist), and I cannot help it when her anger and the way she thinks, it comes out of me. It repulses me so bad it makes me angry at myself and that is what triggers the Borderline behavior.

I did.. I used to mimic my mother's behavior & would accept the unacceptable, but I finally broke the abusive pattern I was in and now am in a far healthier relationship.


I am very sorry for what you experience --- can you stop yourself every time you start to hear your mother creep in?
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Default Jun 20, 2018 at 05:56 PM
  #39
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I did.. I used to mimic my mother's behavior & would accept the unacceptable, but I finally broke the abusive pattern I was in and now am in a far healthier relationship.


I am very sorry for what you experience --- can you stop yourself every time you start to hear your mother creep in?
I have to divorce the husband. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be with another man. I can only wonder if a different man would not trigger me like this one did. The mother will be kept at a manageable distance and I won’t abandon her. I’ll at least tip toe trying to stay on the periphery. Even though she’s hugely triggering because she takes jabs at me. And the toxic friend will probably be able to be kept at a safe distance if I can control my reaction when she verbally attacks me, which she can’t control herself to not do. I really shouldn’t have a friend like this. I’m not going to call her.

I’m glad you feel that this new relationship is healthy and these behaviors are not happening. I’d love for that to be the case for me too.

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Default Jun 20, 2018 at 06:04 PM
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I have to divorce the husband. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be with another man. I can only wonder if a different man would not trigger me like this one did. The mother will be kept at a manageable distance and I won’t abandon her. I’ll at least tip toe trying to stay on the periphery. Even though she’s hugely triggering because she takes jabs at me. And the toxic friend will probably be able to be kept at a safe distance if I can control my reaction when she verbally attacks me, which she can’t control herself to not do. I really shouldn’t have a friend like this. I’m not going to call her.

I’m glad you feel that this new relationship is healthy and these behaviors are not happening. I’d love for that to be the case for me too.

I'd love that for you, too... a healthy relationship. It's my first in a very very long time...... years and years.

Cutting all toxic people out of my life has been the best thing I ever could have done for myself. When it's your own mother, that's much harder - if not impossible sometimes - but you can have strict boundaries, even with family members. Yeah, don't call your friend. Do yourself a huge favor (and your mental health) and get rid of any toxic friends.... they won't do you any good.
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