Relationship between mother/son

Hi,
Im looking for assessment and advice for my unusual relationship with my mother.

Here’s some background about this:

Mother is divorced while I was 1 year old, and never saw my father. so i grew up with a single mother and my grandma.

Few years ago i moved to the UK, away from my home country, to study and -and stayed for work.

Here’s a brief look at my relationship with my mother:

She expects me to talk to her on the phone each day, at least once.
If one day goes by without me calling her, she gets angry and mad at me and she blames me foe not asking about her.

Every year, she pressures me to go to my home country, twice, and stay as long as possible.
No matter how long I stay, she always says she’s not satisfied although usually my stay is between 3 weeks and 4 weeks, each visit (twice a year).

She constantly asks me to leave my girlfriend because we’ve been together for longer than she likes.

(This is not the first time she asks me to break up with a girl I’ve been with foe longer than a year.)

She met my current girlfriend which ive been dating for 3 years, but she never ever asks me about her although we talk daily on the phone.

If I ever travel for few days with my girl friend or my friends, my mother complains how i could have traveled to see her instead.

She tells me, I should not get married until my mid 40s and I should marry a 20 - 25 year old at that time.

She says that I should not get married until my 40’s so that I can be free and travel and do what I want and that getting married will take all this away from me.

When I invited my girlfriend to come to my home country for only 4 days (out of the 21 days that im going there). She kept on complaining about her coming saying that she barely have time to see me for 20 days, and my girlfriend is taking away my days from her.

She always asks me to take her out for dinners, or to bars, and clubs so we can have fun together.

She never accounts for my feelings or consider them. For example she doesn’t co aider what I need, or what I want. She hangs up the phone regularly while talking to me because she is angry at me. Etc...

I always feel i need her validation and trying to make her angry at me.

I hope this brief summary is enough to get the idea of the relationship we have.

My question:
Do you think this is a healthy mother-son relationship? How do you assess this relationship?

What do you think is the issue here, and what should be done about it ?

How does that affect me as a person.

Thanks a lot for your help !

Hello and welcome to PC!

What you describe is not healthy, as I’m sure you know. It sounds like because she is a single mom, she depends too much on you, even acts jealous and like you are dating in a way. It’s not going to be easy, but you need to draw boundaries and you may lose your manipulative mother in the process, because she will not tolerate your resistance.

I'm fixated on the bars and clubs point above all other apects. Really having a difficult time wrapping my mind around that.

Welcome to PC

This mother clearly lacks boundaries and her behavior is very manipulative but I don’t think it’s because she is “single mother”. Being single mothers doesn’t make one behave this way. Many married parents manipulate their children and many single parents behave in a healthy wholesome manner.

Does my sentence imply I am saying all single mothers do this? How did this statement get so misinterpreted that someone felt the need to “correct” me?

My best friend had a mother like that. Oh things she used to demand. What was extremely bizarre that when her mother passed away, her stepfather expected same kind of nonsense from her. My friend and her husband recently adopted a child and her stepfather went ballistic why they adopt children instead of spending all their time with him (he has his own kids but wouldn’t demand such things of them).

What I have to say that you don’t really have to do any of the things she demands. If I lost my mind and demand all of this from my daughter she’d not do any of it.

Just don’t do it. I don’t mean abandon your mother but stop following ridiculous orders.

She wants to go to clubs with her son? Do what?

My mother was like that, and my father went along with her.

It isn’t healthy.

Read up on co-dependency and narcissistic personality disorder. These may well be relevant in your situation.

She gets her way by inflicting emotional pain on you. The way to freedom is to make your own decisions, in spite of the pain.

You don’t have to live the way she wants you to.

I didn’t misinterpret. You assigned cause and effect connection to something that doesn’t have any. “Because she is single mother...etc”. That’s clearly stating that she behaves this way because she is single mother. But there is no causal connection between being single parent and behave in possessive or otherwise manipulate irrational manner. It’s no big deal. I am just explaining that there is no cause and effect relationship here.

It’s like stating I chose a particular career because my eyes are grey. I do have grey eyes and I have a certain job but there is no causal connection here at all. I am just explaining concept of cause and effect

Set up a boundary with your mom. Explain to her since your out of her home she can't rely on you as much by controlling your life. If she wants to be a part of your life she needs to stop interference in your life or she can't be in your life. This is not healthy for you.

I agree!

I agree!

It didn't sound like that to me!

I completely agree!