Single and Depressed

I’m a female in my mid-thirties who has NEVER EVER been in a relationship with a guy I love. I’ve only had two very short relationships with guys I didn’t like because I thought that no one else would want to be with me and both relationships ended tragically in a traumatizing way. I’ve been told by a lot of people that I’m attractive, kind, and smart and that any guy is lucky to have me, but unfortunately I don’t seem to attract any guy that I like. Because of that, I’ve become extremely depressed and bitter. I was also diagnosed with bipolar disorder and PTSD after a guy that I thought was my first love led me on for months just to leave me and marry someone else to whom he was actually engaged all that time but I didn’t know that he was.
I used to have a sunny personality and was very optimistic and energetic. Now I’ve gained weight because I started binge eating after that guy left me, I’m depressed all the time and have become very lethargic and lost all interest in the things I used to love before I became depressed. And every time I try to go on a diet, I fail because I think to myself that no one will ever love me and that I’m too old to find love. I’m not obese, but I’ve become overweight after having maintained the perfect body for years. And what kills me is that I know that most guys steer clear from overweight women, but I honestly am unable to stop eating every time I’m depressed which is almost all the time.
I tried everything over the years to be in a relationship with a decent guy: online dating, going to singles events, volunteering, practicing the law of attraction, going to psychics...etc but to no avail.
I’m very lonely and very afraid of what the future holds for me.
I had female friends and family members who used to be jealous of me but are all happily married with kids now while I ended up lonely and rejected by MANY guys. All the guys I’ve shown interest in have left me for someone else even before we would start a relationship together which made me wonder what is it that these girls have but I don’t have.
My severe depression has taken a toll on my work and there were many days where I had to call in sick.
All my dreams of finding love are now crushed and everything in my life seems to be going wrong. And what’s making my situation even worse is that now I’m only attracted to guys from a nationality other than my own (because I dated guys from my own nationality before but it ended tragically every time) but I can’t travel there by myself because I keep having constant nightmares and recently I’ve become very scared to stay anywhere by myself although I used to be very brave. I have no idea how this fear has started or where it came from!?
All of my friends and family members who love me have absolutely no idea what’s stopping me from finding love and settling down and it’s driving me crazy that neither me nor them know the reason behind this tragedy which is my love life.
I see girls from all shapes and sizes and ethnic backgrounds (and some of them don’t even have any moral values) finding love and having guys beg for their attention but not me.
What’s wrong with me? Who’s or what’s standing in my way of finding love? I can’t seem to find the answer to this question.
I’m so sad because I didn’t know that this was going to happen to me and that I was meant to spend years in this torture, especially after I used to receive a lot of praise and compliments when I was younger and everybody had high hopes for me in this regard.

Hello Easysail: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

I'm sorry I cannot be of any help with regard to your concerns. Hopefully other members, here on PC, may have some suggestions. From my perspective I think this may be something you're going to need to delve into, at-length & in-depth, with the help of a skilled counselor or therapist. However here are links to some articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that may be of interest:

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/love-...-finding-love/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/true-l...w-do-you-know/

https://psychcentral.com/loneliness/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/6-step...ding-new-love/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/change...ind-true-love/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/are-yo...dium=popular17

I wish you well...

Thank you, Skeezyks! You’re very kind. I appreciate it.

Welcome to PC I hope your prince charming comes along

Thank you, Teddy Bear. You’re so sweet.

I am 71 and haven't given up yet.......keep on living the most joyful life you can!

Wow, nicoleflynn! That’s amazing

My heart goes out to you reading this. Imho you sound like someone who I'd love to date! All of these traits that you have listed are still truer about you than ever, you just have to leave those haters and embrace the traits in quotes that people have said about you, as well as the people who are willing to say such things. Welcome to PC, you will find a second family here. I have also experienced a similar scare but I think you would love the answer that I got from Dr. Walker on "Ask the Therapist". I hope your encouraged just like I was when I saw this

https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-the...ableundatable/

[QUOTE=DazedandConfused254;6167488]My heart goes out to you reading this. Imho you sound like someone who I'd love to date! All of these traits that you have listed are still truer about you than ever, you just have to leave those haters and embrace the traits in quotes that people have said about you, as well as the people who are willing to say such things. Welcome to PC, you will find a second family here. I have also experienced a similar scare but I think you would love the answer that I got from Dr. Walker on "Ask the Therapist". I hope your encouraged just like I was when I saw this


Thank you so much for your kind words, DazedandConfused254! I appreciate it.

I can sympathize with you. The only reason I was ever married was because I married someone I didn't even love. Otherwise I don't think I ever would of been married or ever had kids.

Since my divorce I have only really been with married men (I take what I can get because of extreme loneliness). otherwise again, I would not have been with any men really. I don't know how to date. I only how to sleep with men.

In high school I always felt left out because everyone always had a guy or boyfriend and I always had nothing. I am very attractive but very shy and I have a hard time making friends. I dated my husband because there was no one else. I did like him and he was a good friend but because I never really loved him it blew up and ended. I am glad I am not with him anymore but I do miss having at least someone to sort of do things with. I am on dating sites now but my life is no where near I want it to be so I get scared of showing the real me, so I usually just delete myself. I end up with married ones because I don't have to show them who I really am. I can only give sex. oh, and I am in my 40's. I feel as if there is no hope anymore and I am too old. I had hoped after my divorce I would of remarried and maybe even had another child, but that is too far gone. I am at rock bottom and have no hope of anything.

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Loneliness is devastating. I wish I could give you some hope but I’m hopeless myself. I do wish that both of our lives get better very soon.

I don’t mean to be insensitive but I have found that the minute you estimate your value on whether you find this “ perfect love “ your doomed. Why ? Because you feel you are worthless if your not living life the way you see others living it. I believe love finds you , you don’t find love. The circumstances that create that original attraction is a snapshot in time. It won’t happen again.
Many people value themselves as individuals , live alone and live extraordinary lives. Is being married and having kids the only thing that can make you happy ?
50% of marriages end in divorce. Love can turn to hate very quickly. You have numerous advantages and gifts , personally. First you have to have some feeling of self worth. Self esteem. No matter what you look like or whatever you compare yourself to. Find yourself first. Blossom. Then love will find you.
And not necessarily in the form of a man.
I wish you the best.

Thank you for your insight.

The op is from a different culture where marriage is important and considered part of a woman's life. I live in Japan where some women are still taught to find their prince in shining armor and marry to have children still. Not all women are taught this of course, but the culture is different and values are different. I'm from America and totally understand your opinion about finding self-worth from within, not from a man or another person. But, this is a cultural perspective which is taught by society or by one's upbringing. Thus, I would not be so harsh about judging the op and her desire to find the right man to get married. It is about cultural values and society's norms. I totally agree with your opinion, but, at the same time, understand the op's angst about not finding her perfect love.

Let me assure that I completely understand how you feel because I feel the same way all the time. Have you talk to a therapist about how you are feeling and getting some coping skills to use. Have you thought about what cause your relationship to end so that you know okay this didn't work out let try this out? Just a suggestion! Perhaps there is something in your origin that cause certain people to be attracted to you?

Thank you

I agree! Try finding something that you enjoy doing furst.

I’m sorry you feel this way too. I did talk to more than one therapist but none of them know the reason behind what’s going on with my love life!