"Ghosting"

I was recently told to "ghost" someone...

Here's what happened...
We met online, I won't say where, but it was instant chemistry. We talked mostly every day on the phone and through texts and Skype.. My parents (especially my mom) absolutely hated him. Whenever I would leave my phone laying around, she would read through my texts and she found out that me and the man I met online were sexting each other. (Mind you, I'm a grown *** woman so I can do what I want) That was what made her hate him at first...

I respect my parents (I still live with them) but I didn't appreciate them going through my things and it was a major trust violation.

Anyway, I told my friends about this guy that I met and they all said he sounded suspicious and that I should be careful. It got to the point where I started to fall in love ( I think, anyway) with him. My mom was very upset and she said something about him didn't seem right. My friends told me the same thing and one of them suggested that I do a background search on him, just to be safe.

So I did, and his background check came back spotty... He was charged with domestic violence, pleaded guilty, and spent some jail time. I was so shocked, but I loved this man so much that I defended him saying that , "maybe it was in self defense!" or "maybe his last girlfriend started it?" I am, myself, a victim of abuse and I was shocked and scaring myself that I was so deeply in love with this man that I would blame a VICTIM of abuse.

I decided to give him a chance to be honest with me, to tell me that it was in self defense or that he was wrongly charged. But he just told me that whoever told me that he was charged with domestic abuse was lying.... So.... The police officer, who has no reason to lie to me.... Lied? I had a hard time believing that an officer of the law would make up a file about him just in case I, one day, decided to look it up. His records were in the public database. I couldn't keep lying to myself. He lied to me that he never hit anyone an had the gall to tell me that someone was lying about him.

The fighting in my home got worse, my parents were telling me that he was no good, that he only wanted to hurt me.. I didn't believe them, still don't. I told him this and his attitude was like, "Do it anyway." He didn't seem to care that my parents were protective of me, and he didn't seem to care that he was literally splitting me apart from my friends and family. I started feeling like I had to choose between him and my family.

Here's where my friend told me to "ghost" him. She said, "it's not fair that he's lying to you". I can't bring myself to cut contact so suddenly like that. I still have feelings for him, but being lied to about something as serious as *domestic abuse*, I can't ignore that. If he had told me the truth and said that he admitted to the abuse and that he was sorry, I wouldn't even dream of "ghosting" him...

But now that he lied to me, I question every little thing he's ever told me.
I don't want to "ghost" him... is there any other way I can cut contact without hurting his feelings?

The man is lying to you, and it appears has done so repeatedly. He told you to disregard your family's concern for you, even though it is creating strife in your home. Therefore, your feelings have not been a consideration to him.

I am 100% against ghosting. In the majority of cases, I think it is rude, disrespectful, and cowardly. However, in this case, I am concerned that if you have a dialogue with him, he will only have a chance to be manipulative and convincing enough for you to continue to stay with him. As someone who has experienced domestic violence, what else besides a domestic violence record, and lying about the same, would a man have to do in order to convince you he doesn't have your best interests at heart?

No, I'm right in line with your friend. He had the opportunity to be honest about his prior conviction, and chose not to be. He's disrespected your family. He does not respect you. I feel like ghosting is appropriate in this situation.

Cut contact without hurting his feelings? Impossible, unless he cares nothing for you at all.

I'm sorry, but screw his feelings. He clearly has no regard for your feelings. He lied to you and probably wouldn't hesitate to keep doing it if it kept you around, potentially so you could be his next victim. I fully agree with your friend that ghosting is the best option. What you could do is send him one final IM or something and explain why it's over and then remove him/block him from contacting you before he can respond. That's how I would do it anyways.

You don’t even know him. I can’t wrap my mind how people claim to be boyfriends and girlfriends and in love when they know nothing about the person and having spent zero time with them. From all you know he might have a girlfriend or is married and you worry about his feelings?. Block him today please

That's where imagination comes in. We tend to imagine the rest of the missing information, we create a mental model of the person and try to fit the existing information into it. And if new information doesn't fit into our mental model, we try to make excuses and try to make it fit (e.g. he was charged with domestic violence because it was self defence against his monster girlfriend).

Esmme, I think your friends and family are right. In your excuse - it is perfectly normal to long for a soulmate. However, the cold facts about the man suggest that he is unfit to be your soulmate. Think how much of his image in your head is based on your real observations and how much of it was imagined. It's difficult to take other people's words for it, but once you start coming to your own conclusions it will get easier.

You don’t have to just ghost. You can tell him that you don’t want to text and sext with him anymore. You break up with him. Then if he keeps coming after you, you block him. If he keeps coming...you may need to get protection as he is a physical abuser.

Why did you sext a stranger off the internet you never even met in person?

I see no problem with ghosting him.

Look, he is exhibiting classic abuser behavior. Period. He is love-bombing you. He is trying to isolate you from your family. He is lying to you and excusing his own behavior. He's been manipulating the hell out of this situation. He is already abusing you.

And you've never even met.

He should scarcely have to wonder why he'd be ghosted. The hell with his "feelings". I suspect he'd just use that as an angle to hoover you back in anyway. He IS an abuser. That is not up for debate. Don't waste another second on him. Get out now.

Sorry if that seems blunt, but it is unbelievably obvious.

*********
Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

What concerns me about your response to him is saying to yourself that if he admitted to you the abuse, you wouldn't dream of ghosting him. You are a victim of abuse yourself, and have been conditioned to accept it, I am assuming? Do you think that just because he says he is sorry that he will never physically abuse again?

This a huge red flag, for you and for him. He lied to you, & covered up the truth. You are quick to brush it under the rug, and want to accept it and excuse it if he says he is sorry. That is very concerning.

This man has a record. I see nothing wrong with ghosting him. Why worry about his feelings when he is a liar and has a record? Love? Use your head, not your heart.

Does he know where you live? Might he come after you to harm you physically? If you “ghost” him, does he know how to find you to retaliate?

That’s one reason I am against ghosting without a truthful break up conversation. Sometimes, even with a break up good-bye, the guy could possibly find you and hurt you physically and become a stalker. I just see ghosting as instigating revenge from a potentially abusive person.

Actually, Tisha, you make a good point! Hmm. Maybe a clean break up would be best.

"If he had just admitted the abuse I wouldn't dream of ghosting him."

Well there's a scary sentence.

Look I am partner to a RSO, but believe me he jumped years worth of hoops and walked the nine circles of hell before we got together. I believe people can change or control their behaviour.

But this guy is still in full blown denial. Exhibiting classic abuser behaviour.

More worrying is that your exhibiting classic victim behaviour. Allowing yourself to be separated from your family and friends, believing him even in the face if evidence to the contrary or deluding yourself that it isn't as bad as it sounds.

And this is before your even with the guy. Imagine the grip he will have on you if you get together.

So far things are only online...I would say thank heavens for small mercies.

Just tell him it's not going to work and block him. I wouldn't worry about hurting, sure he will bounce back.

You should be considering your own welfare over his.

May I suggest trauma therapy for your abuse. If you're still attracted to abusive guys and making excuses for them, then there's still issue there that needs processing.

Once you do this, you'll find it very easy to tell him that you don't waste your time on liars.

He messaged me on Facebook recently...
Saying that he noticed I was online on Facebook a few times since our last contact. (Which, is not true, I barely use Facebook and sometimes my mom uses my account because she doesn't know how to sign out of my account and use her own)

Anyway, he says he thinks I am avoiding him and I really want to tell him the truth, that I can't trust anything he says because he lied to me, but I'm way too scared to confront him

Ask him why he's tracking your online activity.

Without delving into what you posted here, to him.

You do not need to explain why you decided to stop being in contact with him. You can just inform him that it has not worked out and you decided to stop contact. No further explanation is needed, no matter how many times he asks for one.

Blocking him after informing him is well worth considering.

He's still telling me that I'm being lied to regarding his background check.
According to him, the police officer is lying and my parents are lying.

I saw his name and all of his information, including his charges online on a public site. He says that background checks can't be performed without the person's consent... I understand that, but at the same time... I can't fathom why a police officer would lie, and I can't understand why his information would be posted to a criminal background website if he never did anything. Why would the police lie? Why would his information be out there for the world to see if he never hurt anyone?

I want to believe him...
I don't know why I responded to him, now I am just feeling bad and I want to keep talking to him, but I feel like I can't trust him

Absolutely with Bill here. Do not engage in this conversation. Your giving him room to excuse his behaviour.

He doesn't have a right to ask you why your online, when your online.
My partner and I don't live together. Sometimes I am online when he is and I don't contact him and vice versa. Wouldn't dream of expecting an explanation for something like that.
Your leaving the door open by not letting him know you don't feel it's working.
He isn't psychic, he will keep asking until you explain.
So just let him know this isn't what you want.
Thanks but no thanks.
Then block him.
You know this guy is a liar, so there is no reason to give him more chances to keep lying.

Why are you so afraid to let him go?
We don't fall for abusers because they are a**holes all the time. Usually the contrary, usually they are complimentary, attentive good at building you up as a unit/couple. (We don't need 'them' (family/friends), it's us against the world baby. Etc,etc)
They make us feel good.
Then when they tear us down, we think it must be us because look at everything they have said and done.

Thing is is the good with these people is always really good, but the bad....it isn't worth it.

I don't have close family and only a handful of friends. And I wonder if now would be the time to try focus on rebuilding friendships, and taking a break from relationships until yo have conquered this negative cycle.

Best of luck.💙

He is lying yet again. Background checks are absolutely don’t need anyone’s consent. You can check on anyone you want. He is escalating now to monitoring your online activities. Longer you continue taking to him more likely he will start stalking you IRL. Put the end to it

From someone, who's wasted time with a compulsive liar (fell in love with him, and allowed him to do too much) do yourself a favour n find somebody better. I didn't think I could do/deserved better, and, keep with those, who really know and care for you. Good luck, no one can say what's best for you...I just know it's not him x

Police reports don’t lie. You expressed your ending the contact. Now just block him and don’t reply to him again, no matter what he says. He will say anything to keep you hooked. This man is dangerous.