Friend or Foe?

I’ve been on a ‘how much is me and how much is them’ journey for years. The only way I’m going to know for sure now is to remove these people from my life and then see how I am.

Don't you think it's a combination of both?

It will give you good time TOTALLY AWAY so yiu are not influenced by the environment you live around to clear your mind & pull together YOUR OWN thoughts without outside influence.

Enjoy your time away

I know for me it was both. It was how my reactions built up over the years to the behaviors I encountered. It was definitely both though it was validating when my T & others commented that my reactions were more NORMAL given what I was dealing with than I gave myself credit for.

"It takes 2 to tango" in any relationship good or bad.

I know it is a combination of both. I fear that I will combine with the weaknesses of anyone else I meet in the future and find the negatives and dwell on them. The therapist said I’d never be happy with anyone. but, I’ll keep an open mind and try to seek out non-narcissistic abusers.

Maybe that is something you can work on in therapy.

Honestly I prefer being alone now after all I went through & am still dealing with in this divorce.

Someone would have to be NEAR perfect before I would even consided getting involved again. Friends are easier for me to tolerate not having to live with them 24/7 though behaviors build on me even with friends & I back off if necessary to avoid any real conflict. "Live & let live" doesn't mean I have to be closely involved on a personal level.

Now our mutual friend says we three should have a sit down and talk. I said, “So, I guess C has realized she pushed a little too hard this time.” Hell no, I’m not going to forgive and forget this time. I really am eliminating toxic!

Meanwhile, it’s a big, beautiful world with many places and people. I am loving being away and with my family. My kids are loving this experience and getting to know their cousins. They said, “Let’s spend more time with these relatives on this coast more than the ones back home.”

Your mutual friend needs to butt out. Sorry, it's a pet peeve of mine when a third party tries to intervene and tell me how I should handle a toxic person, usually telling me I should forgive them and move on. Just so they can do it again. Nope.

If I were you I would ask the mutual friend, politely, to stay out of it.

Seesaw

She’s being used as a flying monkey. She’s a sweetheart and means well. She’s a victim of C as well.

She makes her choices just like you do. She should know better than to get involved at her age no matter how well meaning she wants to be. She needs tp know her meddling is NOT appropriate. Maybe she has never been told that before.....but no time like now.

She wants us to make up because she enjoys getting together as the three of us. I’ll just not say anything and just say no if she invites me to go out with them both. Meanwhile friend E is in therapy herself to figure out why she’s attracted to the toxic friend. I’m not going to say anything to try to turn her against C. If she wants to see her that’s her business.

Even if one likes to get together with all 3, when there is a disagreement between 2 of them it us still between them & you just get together separately while things are getting settled into their new situation or resolved.....still none if her business no matter how much she enjoys getting together as all 3 of you. She still should know not to meddle.

I think friend E likes having us as a group of three friends more than just seeing me alone from now on. Toxic friend C “knows she screwed up” when she attacked and alienated me but she never apologized. Now E invited me to join them for lunch. I replied “thanks but I don’t ever want to see her again.” They both just want me to forgive and forget and just get together just as the toxic relationship always was. C says she knows she was wrong but “that’s just who she is and all her friends accept her”. So I am painted as the overly sensitive one. Oh well. I’m staying away from toxic. And if friend E is also a casualty because she enjoys the train wreck more than healthy me then I lost another friend too.

Good for you, TishaBuv!

You nailed it in saying they wanted to paint you as oversensitive. Abusive people sure like that strategy for not taking accountability for their actions, don't they? Blame the victim. Let's just carry on like there's nothing wrong with it. Yeah, right!

I'm so glad you've extricated yourself from that toxic situation.

*********
Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

I would suggest getting rid of anyone who thinks they know you better than yourself. A real friend would never try and make you believe their opinion about what is best for your life is more important than your own. You did the right thing, keep her blocked and move on. You don't need people in your life that take it upon themselves to mind your business, personally I can't stand people poking around in my private affairs, I'm at a point in my life I don't put up with anything anymore. I do what needs to be done to make my life peaceful and you should think about doing the same. I'm my own best friend, I come first , my wants and needs are above nosy busy bodies.

Sounds s little like one of the comments my (almost ex) H said to me when I was leaving him.

"You tolerated me for ALL those years (33), I thought you would tolerate me for the rest of our lives".

There comes a point where enough is enough!!!!

Stick to your guns.

Friend E called today and said, “We really missed you yesterday. I wish you’d change your mind and get together.” I said, “I am not just going to get together with her and act like nothing happened. I don’t want to have anything to do with her ever again. I think she’s a narcissist and using you as her flying monkey.” The good news is friend E made plans to see me and another nice friend of ours this week without toxic friend C.

I have had to battle for respect from certain people who refuse to give it. Ultimately, I had to end all contact with those people...husband included. The nerve of them to think they can get away with it is truly unbelievable.

C is no doubt a toxic friend, and I am sticking to having defriended her. However, her hurtful words are ringing somewhat true.

She said, “You better take back your husband because you are miserable with or without him, and you are so crazy no one else will ever put up with you. You have BPD, and you need an intervention.”

Well, I have not been miserable without him. I have been doing just fine and happy to not be on an emotional roller coaster that I am on with him. Without him, I have been stabile. If I am so crazy no one will put up with me, then I am fine with that. Honestly, I am not terrified of never having a partner again. I feel old and all my friends are also happy having their own space and keep boyfriends who do not live with them, so maybe it’s a good thing for many women if they can make that happen, rather than being in bad marriages.

While I don’t think I have the disorder, I do have traits. I do have feelings that are all over the place. I am learning healthy ways to cope and have been handling myself in a good way that does not make anything worse. Now that I recognize this, staying stabile is easier to do and simply avoid the triggers.

I had a huge change of feelings last night, 180 degrees in 1.8 seconds. He did one small thing that made me happy. It made me want to take him back, miss him, want to love him. But I know I can’t keep going back and forth.

I feel so stuck I wish I could just disappear.

Her haunting words about an intervention gnaw at me.

I agree. I would also block her. It’s just weird that she won’t leave you alone.

She hasn’t contacted me again since the blow out last month. She talks about me with our mutual friend and says she misses me. But she never apologized about her attack on me. No matter what she does now, I am done with her. She’s toxic and I don’t need that due to my emotional health.

But, she’s always been very astute and knows how to cut me to the core. Her words haunt me. I keep playing it over and over in my mind. I’m pretty sure I have OCD/PTSD and things repeat on me forever.

Now that I had an abrupt change of feelings (probably fleeting) toward my divorce, I feel like she was somewhat right.