Friend or Foe?

Jul 26, 2018 at 09:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

She hasn’t contacted me again since the blow out last month. She talks about me with our mutual friend and says she misses me. But she never apologized about her attack on me. No matter what she does now, I am done with her. She’s toxic and I don’t need that due to my emotional health.

But, she’s always been very astute and knows how to cut me to the core. Her words haunt me. I keep playing it over and over in my mind. I’m pretty sure I have OCD/PTSD and things repeat on me forever.

Now that I had an abrupt change of feelings (probably fleeting) toward my divorce, I feel like she was somewhat right.

Don’t let her get into your head. Take some time and make yourself some space to thing things through rationally. It’s hard when there are so many emotions involved.

TishaBuv · Jul 26, 2018 at 11:00 AM

1. I am trusting in my emotions, just allowing myself to feel them. With him, I was crying all the time out of frustration from him not giving me the love/sex/attention that I need, no matter how I plead for it to become ‘his idea’ without me initiating.

2. I notice that if he does something that makes me happy, I feel loving and great toward him. I don’t think it’s idolizing him on a pedestal unrealistically— merely feeling good and satisfied.

3. Then, shortly after, he will not be consistent. He turns right back to being negligent. Then I feel trapped, miserable, traumatized, hysterical. This is the reason I need to divorce him.

4. Now that I found out he did do some underhanded things with money, my trust issues will only be worse. I don’t want a marriage where I am constantly policing him and nagging.

As far as my friend— I’ll never fully understand why she said those things to me. They aren’t fully true. But, I can’t change her. I can’t make her control what she says. It’s really not my job to be her therapist. So sad and unfortunate.

Innerzone · Jul 26, 2018 at 01:13 PM

These are great insights, TishaBuv. And I think that getting away from the crazy-making push/pull behavior of your ex will continue to reveal the real you (not any "crazy-made" you've been dealing with) and --as a bonus to the awesomeness of that unto itself -- should make C's words ring more and more hollow.

I believe, hope and wish that for you.

eskielover · Jul 27, 2018 at 05:09 PM

Just remember, one nice from your H doesn't cancel anything. One needs to see more than one nice to know a change has occured. I am sure you will get through this. That would have been like me saying wow the meeting with my H went well yesterday & we were nice to each other. The FACT remains that the REAL problem hasn't changed in the least & a nice moment doesn't change that.

TishaBuv · Jul 28, 2018 at 09:03 AM

Toxic friend C is now former frenemy C. Friend E showed me text messages yesterday between them where C says horrid, hateful lies about me, obviously trying to steer friend E away from me and more toward her. We are women over 50 years old! This is shockingly immature behavior. Until seeing these texts, I didn’t realize how two-faced and evil C was. She started the text saying “Tell (Tisha) I love her.” Then she proceeds to spew insulting lies about me. She is also gossiping these same lies, plus whatever truthful dirt she has on me to any mutual acquaintances we have. There’s really nothing I can do. I guess I don’t really care what she says or does and it doesn’t really effect me anyway. It’s just giving me nightmares now. I hope she gets what she deserves. Karma’s a *****. She’s dead to me now.

TishaBuv · Jul 28, 2018 at 10:02 AM

At least I now know for sure she is not a friend, she is a foe. Time to be kind to myself and move on and heal. I’ll just keep nurturing my healthy relationships and seek to form new, healthy ones. I hate to think all people are back stabbers if given the chance. I don’t want to be bitter. But...

Innerzone · Jul 28, 2018 at 01:29 PM

Wow, I'm sorry she is doing that, TishaBuv. How immature! I had a very similar thing happen and I had to WORK with her in a VERY small business(!) Also in our 50s(!) Honestly, you'd think you wouldn't have to deal with that crap after high school.

You are right in ignoring it. You're WAY too mature and sensible to get dragged in. Sending good luck for your healthy relationships.

TishaBuv · Jul 28, 2018 at 04:37 PM

People who profess to love me have fooled me because I can’t imagine they can be such two faced liars and I believe them.

eskielover · Jul 28, 2018 at 05:30 PM

Don't be hard on yourself for not knowing. Remember that sometimes it isn't obvious till the right set of circumstances arises for true colors to show up CLEARLY.....they can stay pretty fogged over until then

TishaBuv · Jul 29, 2018 at 12:04 PM

I’m really traumatized by this slander that continues. I woke up upset, nightmares. I called friend E and said I need to take a break from her for fear of anything I confide in her going back to evil B frenemy C. The fact that she stays friends with someone slandering me makes me feel distrust of her as a true friend now. I was honest. I need to distance myself. She said she understands. This is why we can’t have nice things... I can’t even have a friend.

Innerzone · Jul 29, 2018 at 01:51 PM

Hmmm, distancing yeah. It might be easiest to step back and wait till the dust settles. She will run out of steam. They tend to do that when there's nothing to push against.

(I won't even SAY what my thoughts were like when I went through that similar experience! But now I feel pretty indifferent. Can't let an azz have that kind of power over me. I WON after all, and so will you, by getting the toxic out of your life.

)

TishaBuv · Jul 29, 2018 at 01:58 PM

Lesson learned: do not confide anything in a friend you don’t want told and even distorted into lies

Fuzzybear · Jul 29, 2018 at 05:37 PM

That toxic who said she was a friend needs to stay away from you. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

eskielover · Jul 29, 2018 at 06:34 PM

At one point (years before leaving my H) I pulled away from the negative people that had invaded my life when I was in deep depression. I was better off as bad as I was, away from their negative thinking which only fed into mine. Now I am surrounded by ALL positive people I can see how dark (black hole) that period of my life actually was without any help from anyone around me. Not easy to pull away....takes a lot of determination.

Keeping your focus & boundaries.....you are doing well

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TishaBuv Legendary Member Since Dec 2014 Location: USA Posts: 10,183 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,869 hugs given	Jul 28, 2018 at 04:37 PM #68 People who profess to love me have fooled me because I can’t imagine they can be such two faced liars and I believe them. __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T
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TishaBuv Legendary Member Since Dec 2014 Location: USA Posts: 10,183 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,869 hugs given	Jul 29, 2018 at 01:58 PM #72 Lesson learned: do not confide anything in a friend you don’t want told and even distorted into lies __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T
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Fuzzybear Wisest Elder Ever Member Since Nov 2002 Location: Cave. Posts: 96,326 (SuperPoster!) 21 81.2k hugs given	Jul 29, 2018 at 05:37 PM #73 That toxic who said she was a friend needs to stay away from you. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr __________________
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