Why do people tear each other apart?

This has not been a good year.

I didn't realize at the beginning of the year how depressed I was because he was just systematically tearing me down, little by little, while at the same time telling me how much he wanted me, felt safe with me, couldn't wait to have me in his arms. And after I left, after I couldn't deny his lying and cheating anymore, the pain became worse.

I don't know where my BPD reactions to this end and the normal pain begins. I know a lot of me has acted out of the BPD. I stood in the shower a half hour ago, sobbing and dry-heaving. And then getting almost too worn out to wash conditioner out of my hair because, I mean, I've been in bed sick the last four days and kind of forgot to eat much. Or drink much.

I want to move on from this. Emotionally and physically, I can't tolerate it much longer. And I was doing fine, but having someone come at me constantly is like a little bird pecking at my face, "You meant nothing. It was a lie. He never wanted you. You're psycho. You're sick. You're a horrible human being." I know what the truth is, and for a little while, I felt like that was all I needed. I was rocking on. But the constant picking I am not strong enough to handle. And when someone builds you up the way he, I'm ashamed to say, easily did...makes you feel like they are your knight in shining armor which, let's be real, you were secretly hoping for because you're so sick of waiting in the dating pool...then just slashes you open with absolutely zero regard, not to mention he had been with someone (and some side chicks) the whole time he was filling your head with pretty stories it cuts so deep.

My T says I have PTSD and I thought, that's weird for something like this, but I can see it. I don't go out on my days off. I don't want to interact with people. I have sometime multiple dreams in a week of us fighting brutally, or of he or his girlfriend chasing me. I question anything out of the norm, now. Did I mention one of them is trying, daily, to get into my private Instagram account? How long before they're messing with my home? My job? All because he is a liar.

My friends don't get it, and I lost my best friend in the middle of all of this. She kept saying, "I don't understand...if you didn't want him in the end, why is this hurting so much?" And it devolved into an I need religion argument and...the friendship was probably done anyway. But I literally have two friends and my sister. And they are sick to death of me, trust. I don't know who to talk to and y'know, that whole BPD thing of overwhelming emotions gets SO overwhelming sometimes that I don't know what else to do. I can usually do pretty well. This is pushing me beyond.

It sounds stupid, but the suicide of Anthony Bourdain hit me really hard. He was my favorite. I have a signed copy of one of his books, watched all of his shows. I admired him for his no-holds-barred personality and for rising above his demons. No one saw it coming. A week later, I found out an old acquaintance/friend from the blogging world, someone I'd lost touch with in the last 5 years had also done the same thing. Stacy was like...formidable. She was successful, gorgeous, talented...everything I wanted to be when I met her in 2006. Our friendship was purely online, mainly regarding the blog world, but we'd had a lot of little individual chats and bonded over some similar experiences. I looked her up to see how she was, possibly reconnect (she would have been like "OMG!!! Amazing! How have you been! ), and there it was. And it makes me feel like...who is safe? How am I safe if these people I admired couldn't do it? Why do I want to continue fighting if they didn't? If they, with a huge support group and resources, talents, gifts, attractiveness, etc, didn't want to or couldn't fight, how can I?

I'm sorry if this is long, it's one of those posts where I'm crying and just need some kind of release for the emotion. If you've gotten this far, thank you for reading.

Ugh, I could just strangle your "you just need religion" friend... People like her are the entire reason I don't do religion anymore myself. You're better off without her if she's going to be that cold.

I have BPD too so I can relate a lot with what you're saying, and having lost a guy in that manner... My situation wasn't quite as bad, but very similar to yours. Years later I still have a hard time not letting what he did rule my reactions to other people, even though I know I shouldn't do that.

As for the Anthony Bourdain thing... I too recently lost two "celebrities" to suicide that I like. Not as much as you liked Anthony I think, but both were important to me. Chester Bennington (lead singer of Linkin Park) last year and this year Avicii (electronic artist). I start to wonder who will do it next year... I can't listen to their songs anymore without thinking about suicide, as if I didn't think about it enough. LP's music was always kinda sad, at least the stuff I liked was, but it helped me cope a lot through teen/young adult years. I haven't yet done the normal thing and cried over them, I'm just sort of numb to it... Which I don't think is a good thing, but I have such a hard time crying the last few years. Emotions just don't process correctly for me, which I guess I blame on the BPD. I either have a huge rush of them I can' control or I'm numb.

I wish I knew what to say to comfort you. Hopefully the "you're not alone" thing sort of helps...

TRIGGER Dang it, didn’t see trigger warning. Didn’t need it on fine Sunday afternoon. I lost close family member to suicide so I could do without reading about people “losing” celebrities whom they didn’t even know in person. But it’s my own fault for not seeing red warning, although I couldn’t imagine this thread would be about THAT topic.

. This thread now seems to be about unfortunate death of celebrities, could it be moved to a different forum?

Dude. I didn’t make it about celebrities. It was about something completely different. And thanks a lot for getting my hopes up to read a note of support and then goin the hell off on me. Either write to a mod or the person you have a problem with. I put a trigger for a reason, it’s up to you to see it!

Divine WHY do you have to be so condescending to people?!! Maybe just stay away from my threads, hey?

THIS is why I rarely use this forum. Because inevitably someone has to go off on their own thing in a thread and make it about them. I come for support, and instead walk away feeling more hurt and ashamed than when I started.

I'm sorry graystreet. It sounds like you don't have many people to talk to. Do you see a therapist? I go to a support group and find that helpful.

I do see a therapist. Almost weekly. Sadly, there are no support groups.

Sorry graystreet that I upset you. I know you are hurting. I do wish thread’s title mentioned suicide because then I wouldn’t open it. I only get triggered by particular topics, that was one of them. I had no idea it would be about that, then the next person after you adds more celebrities they they lost to the list. All I asked if it maybe could be moved to a subforum that maybe deals with that particular topic. I know that topics of suicide are often very sensitive to people. Sorry that I upset you. That’s just the hard topic to swallow for me, and I suspect, many of us. I try to avoid it whenever possible.

Thank you for sharing.

What a lot of people don't understand is leaving an abusive relationship is more difficult than leaving a healthy one. We get attached to the more dramatic emotions of the abuse.

That is why there is a trigger warning. Sorry that, in the incredibly emotional state I was in when I posted this, I didn't think of writing a disclaimer about the myriad of topics which may trigger someone. Hence, the trigger warning. Wouldn't you say that, on this forum, 9 times out of 10 a trigger warning means someone is posting about SI? That is my experience, at least.

I didn't post about a "celebrity I lost." I posted about how, that particular week, the topic was in the news, and then I found out my friend had passed away. Yes, the celebrity was of particular interest to me which is why the topic was already heavy in my mind. But the point was I had a friend who passed away.

Not everything is about you. I see you in threads all the time trying to moderate--this should be moved here, this is off topic. Just become a moderator. People who are hurting don't need the extra criticism which is completely irrelevant to what they are dealing with. If you don't like something, disregard it.

Stay away from my threads, please.

Whoa! What? For many people celebrities' deaths are traumatic. There are many, many reasons for that. Please think twice before you judge anyone's pain as less than your own.

I've lost 2 close family members and a number of friends to suicide; that doesn't mean I don't grieve for the deaths of other people.

Hi graystreet, Reading your OP is painful. I'm so sorry you've been hurt as badly as you have. I agree with your therapist...PTSD can result from a traumatic relationship.

I think just about everyone has been slammed by Anthony Bourdain's death. My son, who is 29, found A.B. extremely inspiring (my son travels a great deal and is especially interested in regional foods) and has been grieving Bourdain's death.

For certain reasons I was severely affected by Tom Petty's death in October.

Something I have read from a French news source is that A.B. did not die by suicide, but that his death was caused by petit mort (AEA). The news source claimed that the French police frown on reporting AEA deaths, so just call them suicides.

Who knows. I can't say the possibility of AEA is outrageous, though. Bourdain was definitely a risk-taker.