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rdgrad15
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Default Jun 27, 2018 at 02:44 PM
  #1
Just out of curiosity, would you give someone, whether it was a friend or significant other, a second chance after they have hurt you in the past and apologized? Would you be able to be as close to them as you once were in the past? Would you be able to trust them as much? For me, I have done this in the past but it always failed miserably since not only did they never apologize but they just kept on doing the same thing over and over again and weren't good friends. For many many years, not one former friend has ever apologized or at least recognized how they treated me.

Then a few months ago, one friend who treated me badly five years ago by treating me like I didn't exist in group settings and only talking to me one on one, as well as always being flaky, apologized for being such a bad friend. She admitted, more than once, that she was a bad friend and was trying to be someone she wasn't. Even though she didn't mention it, I think it was partially because she was very focused on a guy she liked ad it is also possible someone in the group we were in may have peer pressured her into ignoring me when we were in a group setting. Then when it was just me and her, or even me, her, and other non-group members, she was fine. No excuses for the behavior, but those are very possible reasons. Ever since then, she has treated me way better. We are friends, and she even calls me her best friend, but I secretly still have a wall of protection.

I can trust her, but not as much as you may think. I can hang out with her, but I know that it is possible that one day, she will relapse and go back into her old ways. Also even though she says I'm one of her best friends, she has no other friends close enough to her to hang out with so I really won't know exactly how she feels until she meets other friends. I don't mean to sound paranoid but I feel like after being hurt so many times in the past, it is best to be cautious and if a lot more time goes by and she doesn't hurt me, then I could potentially trust her again, especially if she doesn't treat me badly in group settings. We have hung out a couple times with her coworkers but they are not her friends so I don't think that really counts, and she treated me fine then. The group of friends me and her hung out with are no longer around, we are no longer friends with them and she even admits now that they weren't really good friends, which is actually true.

The other two members of that group always talked bad about each other, other people, and even me and the friend I reconnected with so a part of me thinks that it is likely they had something to do with her ignoring me when we were together in a group, since she treated me fine when it was just me and her, or even me, her, and other people that were not a part of that group. She can still be flaky at times, but not as bad as she used to. Part of it is her ADHD causing poor time management but she can definitely do better. I definitely don't feel super close, I can't be. But at least we can be on good terms. Have you ever reconnected with a friend or even a significant other and it worked out okay despite being more cautious around them? Normally I don't really give out second chances anymore, but since she is the first person to ever admit that she was a bad friend and recognized it and changed her ways, I was willing to give a second chance. Just wondered what your experiences were.

Last edited by rdgrad15; Jun 27, 2018 at 04:26 PM..
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Default Jun 27, 2018 at 04:01 PM
  #2
Seems to me the fact that you're considering this is evidence to say there must have been something good in the relationship although they did hurt you. If they were never important to you in the first place it wouldn't matter and you'd easily just move on. that's something to consider.

so with that said, they sound like they are sincere. Look at it this way not only are they apologetic, in any relationship whether it is rekindled or a new one you take the risk of them hurting you... either for the first time or again. it doesn't matter because you can't know the future. What is factual is that they are not above reproach at this time and asking your forgiveness. Isn't that what friendship is about in the first place? Being able to accept that we are all flawed, do stupid things and may even, god forbid, hurt each other. A strong friendship does not mean one where each does not ever hurt the other but that there is a strong enough bond that we can admit our mistakes and the other can forgive.
No guarantees she won't hurt you again. If it was all guaranteed and we knew the outcome of everything whether it be relationships and otherwise, does it really hold much value? Trust isn't something that means you're guaranteed nothing bad will happen, it means you believe in the person you trust that their word is true.

If you're telling yourself you can never trust them if there's a chance they can do it again, you might as well go inside close the door and never interact with another soul again...
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Default Jun 27, 2018 at 04:28 PM
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Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006 View Post
Seems to me the fact that you're considering this is evidence to say there must have been something good in the relationship although they did hurt you. If they were never important to you in the first place it wouldn't matter and you'd easily just move on. that's something to consider.

so with that said, they sound like they are sincere. Look at it this way not only are they apologetic, in any relationship whether it is rekindled or a new one you take the risk of them hurting you... either for the first time or again. it doesn't matter because you can't know the future. What is factual is that they are not above reproach at this time and asking your forgiveness. Isn't that what friendship is about in the first place? Being able to accept that we are all flawed, do stupid things and may even, god forbid, hurt each other. A strong friendship does not mean one where each does not ever hurt the other but that there is a strong enough bond that we can admit our mistakes and the other can forgive.
No guarantees she won't hurt you again. If it was all guaranteed and we knew the outcome of everything whether it be relationships and otherwise, does it really hold much value? Trust isn't something that means you're guaranteed nothing bad will happen, it means you believe in the person you trust that their word is true.

If you're telling yourself you can never trust them if there's a chance they can do it again, you might as well go inside close the door and never interact with another soul again...
Yeah I see what you mean. You are right, for awhile I did move on from her. I stopped reaching out to her but then she all the sudden spiked in keeping in touch with me several months ago and began hanging out with me a lot more. Yeah I do have trouble trusting people, I sometimes feel like I should stop interacting with others but I know that is a bad idea.
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Default Jun 27, 2018 at 04:38 PM
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Yeah I see what you mean. You are right, for awhile I did move on from her. I stopped reaching out to her but then she all the sudden spiked in keeping in touch with me several months ago and began hanging out with me a lot more. Yeah I do have trouble trusting people, I sometimes feel like I should stop interacting with others but I know that is a bad idea.
well I think if she started months ago and has shown herself to be apologetic, I would think she's probably sincere. That's just how I interpret it. could be a really good thing to allow yourself to trust again. *hugs*
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Default Jun 27, 2018 at 04:48 PM
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well I think if she started months ago and has shown herself to be apologetic, I would think she's probably sincere. That's just how I interpret it. could be a really good thing to allow yourself to trust again. *hugs*
Yeah makes sense. I do trust her more than I did a couple years ago, I am just still very cautious that's all.
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Default Jun 27, 2018 at 11:13 PM
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Well, I can tell you what I do in these situations, but I'm not going to tell you what you should do because I think you need to figure that out yourself. For context, I have had one friend come back after we had a huge fight that caused us to split and another very recent may or may not come back.

Anyhoo, here's the rules I follow for these situations:
1. Guilt or other negative emotions can't be the reason or a major one for why the relationship is being discussed again.
2. Whatever wrongs had happened to cause it to end in the first place need to be resolved, apologies need to be said and meant, and forgiveness must be given.
3. Both parties need to be willing to have open and candid discussions on how they can continue the relationship in a healthy way going forward.

Probably worth noting that with my BPD I suffer from a major fear of abandonment, so I have to be sure for my sanity that the people I allow in aren't going to leave me. Because of the fear of abandonment, I have found it very difficult to bring myself to talk to the friend who came back despite him being a much nicer person now and being welcoming. He's just not the type to seek me out, never has been, so that makes it really hard for me to approach him despite forgiving him because I'm afraid he doesn't really want me around and might leave again if I were to mess up.

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Default Jun 28, 2018 at 05:49 AM
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Well, I can tell you what I do in these situations, but I'm not going to tell you what you should do because I think you need to figure that out yourself. For context, I have had one friend come back after we had a huge fight that caused us to split and another very recent may or may not come back.

Anyhoo, here's the rules I follow for these situations:
1. Guilt or other negative emotions can't be the reason or a major one for why the relationship is being discussed again.
2. Whatever wrongs had happened to cause it to end in the first place need to be resolved, apologies need to be said and meant, and forgiveness must be given.
3. Both parties need to be willing to have open and candid discussions on how they can continue the relationship in a healthy way going forward.

Probably worth noting that with my BPD I suffer from a major fear of abandonment, so I have to be sure for my sanity that the people I allow in aren't going to leave me. Because of the fear of abandonment, I have found it very difficult to bring myself to talk to the friend who came back despite him being a much nicer person now and being welcoming. He's just not the type to seek me out, never has been, so that makes it really hard for me to approach him despite forgiving him because I'm afraid he doesn't really want me around and might leave again if I were to mess up.
I agree with the rules you listed. And yeah, I fear abandonment as well just because it has happened so much and is a big reason why I don't allow people to get too close to me since I know they will leave eventually anyway and most likely without reason or warning which was the case in the past.
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Default Jun 28, 2018 at 09:12 AM
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If the apology is sincere (which means that the behavior can't continue) I usually will give a second chance to make sure behavior is changing. If not I pull away from the person. Realized I actually did that in my marriage. My career became my escape.....then when finally able to leave I left....initially hoping that it would jolt realization into the H's head but it didn't.

He was actually a captive audience in my truck on a 2100 mile drive across the country before I had enough so a lot was hashed out or at least said by me on the way so nothing was a surprise to him.

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Default Jun 28, 2018 at 09:35 AM
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although I agree with having certain boundaries going forward (rules) I wouldn't set my mind to strictly on them nor would I really go into it thinking about it much. If you want to have a friendship with someone just do so and keep those rules on your back burners. Overly worrying about the limitations and rules is just going to hinder the relationship. If you're that worried aobut rules going forward (not saying you are) then it's probably not a friendship that's even worth pursuing.

Honestly I just think you should take a step back and consider that. A friendship should not be based on strict expectations from the start. Just enjoy a friend and your relationship or walk away. Friendships are not supposed to be so strained and rule-laden. They should be more organic and based on Positivity, not expectations or waiting 'until" a rule is broken. One cannot work that way and truly have an enjoyable relationship.
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Default Jun 28, 2018 at 11:17 AM
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If the apology is sincere (which means that the behavior can't continue) I usually will give a second chance to make sure behavior is changing. If not I pull away from the person. Realized I actually did that in my marriage. My career became my escape.....then when finally able to leave I left....initially hoping that it would jolt realization into the H's head but it didn't.

He was actually a captive audience in my truck on a 2100 mile drive across the country before I had enough so a lot was hashed out or at least said by me on the way so nothing was a surprise to him.
Oh wow. Yeah I can see how that can be an escape.
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Default Jun 28, 2018 at 11:19 AM
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although I agree with having certain boundaries going forward (rules) I wouldn't set my mind to strictly on them nor would I really go into it thinking about it much. If you want to have a friendship with someone just do so and keep those rules on your back burners. Overly worrying about the limitations and rules is just going to hinder the relationship. If you're that worried aobut rules going forward (not saying you are) then it's probably not a friendship that's even worth pursuing.

Honestly I just think you should take a step back and consider that. A friendship should not be based on strict expectations from the start. Just enjoy a friend and your relationship or walk away. Friendships are not supposed to be so strained and rule-laden. They should be more organic and based on Positivity, not expectations or waiting 'until" a rule is broken. One cannot work that way and truly have an enjoyable relationship.
Yeah true I agree.
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Default Jun 28, 2018 at 11:31 AM
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Giving someone a second chance

the important thing in this world is not how others treat us, but how we treat others....

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Default Jun 28, 2018 at 11:41 AM
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Giving someone a second chance

the important thing in this world is not how others treat us, but how we treat others....
Yes that too definitely.
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Default Jun 28, 2018 at 11:56 AM
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But at the same time it doesn't mean you have to be their door mat either. There can sometimes be a fine line & if MUTUAL respect for each other doesn't exist it's a pretty good sign that it's not a relationship worth persuing. Doesn't mean you are not nice to the person it just means they are kept at a safe distance..

Relationships are never easy nor is the solution black & white.

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Default Jun 28, 2018 at 12:00 PM
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But at the same time it doesn't mean you have to be their door mat either. There can sometimes be a fine line & if MUTUAL respect for each other doesn't exist it's a pretty good sign that it's not a relationship worth persuing. Doesn't mean you are not nice to the person it just means they are kept at a safe distance..

Relationships are never easy nor is the solution black & white.
Yeah I agree.
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