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DazedandConfused254
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Default Jun 29, 2018 at 09:51 PM
  #1
So, I have this lady who was my kindergarten teacher that I fell out of contact for years until I reconnected 5 years ago when I decided to acknowledge her as a "hero" at my high school's NHS-held Circle of Heroes, basically a time to give thanks to people who have served as someone's mentor. It was at this event when I reconnected with this old friend. In the times that followed, we met up for meals out and even went on a kayaking trip together. We were still friends for a few years after we first rekindled our friendship, but of course, my college classwork got busier and this teacher friend got busy with her job and her daughter who married, so we didn't talk as much for about a year or so.

However, I am starting to question our friendship. Though she has given me good advice along, and given me plaques with inspirational quotes for gifts, problems arose when I talked to her for the first time in almost a year, when I looked to her for encouragement after struggling in school. She then rehashed a painful history of medical trauma that she recommended that I share with future classmates and co-workers, since up until recently she only was involved in my life when I had experienced my childhood trauma (it's a private matter, so no questions/advice about it please). This advice she shared with literally everyone we knew, including my parents and this person's friends. Then when I started having problems with my very first job she pelted me with this same advice, even though my struggles with school and work were unrelated to my medical history. But since my issues have long since been completely resolved, my parents agreed that this advice was unnecessary, as I have become an independent person, graduated high school, college, and am currently in grad school, meeting many friends along the way. All of these achievements I have completed without even thinking once about disclosing my medical history, as I saw it as a non-issue. Though we have talked for a couple of times since that time almost a year and a half ago, I have not spoken with her or seen her for almost a year since this incident.

I have since decided that it's best that I give myself personal space from this friend, so far having limited my social media audience only to my closest friends, so she does not encroach me and my family's space, but I am debating whether or not I should unfriend her on FB, especially since we have not keep in contact for the past year. But I am scared about hurting her feelings or any possible offline friendship we still have. Should I unfriend this person on FB?

As stated, please do not inquire me about my medical history, or do stuff like criticize me for how I am handling this. Thanks PC.
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Default Jun 29, 2018 at 10:27 PM
  #2
I'm one to take the concept of "let me sleep on it" when concepts such as cancelling or unsubscribing/unfollowing are concerned. There's ways to circumnavigation fb. Maybe place this thought on hold for say, 3-6months and revisit that desire to unfriend?
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DazedandConfused254
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Default Jun 29, 2018 at 10:30 PM
  #3
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Originally Posted by healingme4me View Post
I'm one to take the concept of "let me sleep on it" when concepts such as cancelling or unsubscribing/unfollowing are concerned. There's ways to circumnavigation fb. Maybe place this thought on hold for say, 3-6months and revisit that desire to unfriend?
Agreed. Thanks so much! I've already kept myself busy with school and hobbies to take my mind off FB, so maybe I'll just keep on
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Default Jun 29, 2018 at 10:38 PM
  #4
Sounds like a plan

For me, yeah, something can rub me the wrong way and maybe the totality of an old friendship or aquaintance may be a positive one, but unless the person becomes openly hostile and combative towards me, I tend to shy away from that block/unfriend button. I'll certainly distance myself, not that I don't sometimes discover distance by being caught up in my day to day life, but I do at times consciously choose to protect myself through walking away or stepping back.
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Agreed. Thanks so much! I've already kept myself busy with school and hobbies to take my mind off FB, so maybe I'll just keep on
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Default Jun 29, 2018 at 10:39 PM
  #5
I'd unfriend probably because I wouldn't be able to tolerate her pushing me like that, but I'm also pretty strict about who I let into my life, and that's not normal really. healingme4me's advice is probably better.

I feel confident saying that if she brings up your past medical history again and becomes pushy about it, then it would be a totally normal thing to go ahead and unfriend or even block her.

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Default Jun 30, 2018 at 12:07 AM
  #6
Isn't Facebook silly?

Put her on secret probation. Next insipid thing she posts, drop her like a bomb.
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Default Jun 30, 2018 at 02:50 PM
  #7
She was meeting you for meals and going on kayaking trips? Hm I am a bit taken aback. Then giving you unsolicited advice... it seems that she decided you need some type of mentoring from her. But then if you haven’t talked for an year I wouldn’t worry about it. It’s possibly just faded away...
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DazedandConfused254
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Default Jun 30, 2018 at 03:42 PM
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She was meeting you for meals and going on kayaking trips? Hm I am a bit taken aback. Then giving you unsolicited advice... it seems that she decided you need some type of mentoring from her. But then if you haven’t talked for an year I wouldn’t worry about it. It’s possibly just faded away...
Sweet thanks! I sure hope that little phase of unwanted advice has faded. But prob won’t worry about it.
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Default Jun 30, 2018 at 03:53 PM
  #9
You didn't mention talking to her about her breach of trust by talking about your painful history with so many people. Goodness! I wonder what set that off for her. Why would she do that? I don't know what to say other than talk to her about it either by email or through Facebook messenger. It obviously bothers you because it is still bouncing around in your head. I don't think she had the right to do that.
What do you think the solution is?

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DazedandConfused254
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Default Jun 30, 2018 at 06:03 PM
  #10
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You didn't mention talking to her about her breach of trust by talking about your painful history with so many people. Goodness! I wonder what set that off for her. Why would she do that? I don't know what to say other than talk to her about it either by email or through Facebook messenger. It obviously bothers you because it is still bouncing around in your head. I don't think she had the right to do that.
What do you think the solution is?
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. I agree with you, she knew me when people still didn’t know my outcome with my trauma but there’s no right for her to casually throw that topic around. I’ve been in counseling for the past year, setting up boundaries particularly with this part of my life but I’m still terrified about asserting them thinking I’ll come across as cold. It’ll take practice
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Default Jun 30, 2018 at 06:32 PM
  #11
I can relate to being terrified to set boundaries. Yes! Practice helps!! The folks who didn't respect my decisions were people I was better off without. It was hard for me to understand that I had the right to stand up for myself and not everyone was going to embrace that. But it also showed me who really valued me as a person from those who didn't.

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Be true to you.

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Last edited by happysobercrafter; Jun 30, 2018 at 06:33 PM.. Reason: Grammar!!
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DazedandConfused254
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Default Jun 30, 2018 at 07:46 PM
  #12
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I can relate to being terrified to set boundaries. Yes! Practice helps!! The folks who didn't respect my decisions were people I was better off without. It was hard for me to understand that I had the right to stand up for myself and not everyone was going to embrace that. But it also showed me who really valued me as a person from those who didn't.
Yes, I’ll still be rough around the edges when it comes to stating my limits but I’ve picked up on that as well. The people who truly love me will respect me no matter what my needs are. I wonder how would I state my boundaries in this situation though....
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