Chronic Loneliness

I have felt lonely since I can remember. It started with ostracization from family and slowly losing friends as friendships fade or are cut off quickly because they can't accept me for who I am.

I find that I don't relate to other people, so going out an meeting new people makes me feel more lonely.

First of all, I'm bisexual so automatically don't belong in either the straight or gay communities. Further complicating this is that I'm in a straight relationship and have never had a same-sex experience (but not entirely from a lack of trying), which makes it difficult to relate to the bisexual community. And because of this lack of experience, ignorant people find my sexuality to be illegitimate. And so I am invalidated as a person and forced to hide who I really am to most people.

Gender identity further ostracizes me from everyone of all identities.

I don't understand women because I think more like a man and I don't get men because I was socialized to be more like a woman socially/emotionally.

After losing my best friend of about a decade over her opinion of my sexuality, I really don't trust people. We must never have actually been friends and she just put up with me and met my socializing needs out of pity or charity over the whole time.

I was in college for a long time and grad school especially is the loneliest place to be. I had to quit my first full-time job because it didn't make enough money so I've been starting new experiences and switching groups of people all the time. I meet plenty of people. Almost none of them stay in my life long enough to build any kind of connection.

And for those that I might be able to connect to, there are the trust issues of whether or not I want to invest time in something that will just end so abruptly and painfully as the relationship with my former best friend. One conversation destroyed a decade-long friendship.

And there was a second best friend in college that as soon as she graduated we never really talked again. It's both our faults I'm sure, but I can't help but think it's because of my sexuality and as the horrible person I am, I became attracted to her.

So, I either do not find my tribe AT ALL or if I think I might have actually found it, life removes me from that environment. I'm old enough now that if I haven't found my tribe at this point, I'm not going to.

I'm not sure how capable I am at connecting deeply with other people anyway because the bonds in my family were so fragile that I had to protect myself by not really attaching.

So I really ache for a family. Especially a father. And siblings because I never got to know my brother. I have this emptiness inside that it seems no amount of love or accomplishment or adoration etc. will ever fill.

So what am I supposed to do? Just forget about the feelings and continue to ignore my needs because there's nothing to fulfill them. I have to find people I can relate to and trust and who understand me before I can begin to feel less lonely.

So I guess the question is, how do you trick your mind into being less lonely? How do you feel good even though your basic human needs never get met? How do you feel less like a fraud when you don't fill the mold you're supposed to fill? I'm always accused of not knowing who I am when really it's I know who I am but I know I won't get accepted for that so I keep it to myself and try to fit in as best as I can. Which I guess is fake?

I don't have any words, only hugs to give. I'm so sorry that people can be so demanding of whether to accept based upon checking off requirements.

Thanks. I think it's more that I don't relate to people and I'm afraid I'll seem inferior or will be misunderstood by them. Or if I let people get to know me, I'll have to defend how I define myself. I've spent much of my life around argumentative people and over time I've found it much safer and more comfortable to just not have an opinion. Or to express needs, especially emotional ones. I think your post has demonstrated more emotional support than my parents have been capable of giving, at least to me as an adult.

The feeling of not really being loved or accepted by family is devastating. I was the least favorite grandkid of one set of grandparents and not because of anything I did, but because of things my parents did/didn't do. My parents will never get to really know me because they've made it clear that they don't accept/want to understand any sexuality or gender outside of the so-called "norm".

Even with a significant other who is accepting, he doesn't understand. He tries to, but he just can't. He just sees me as me and for some reason, that feels invalidating.

Hello Skull&Crossbones. Real sorry you find yourself in such a psychological/emotional type of predicament, yes, it can be a cold world sometimes. Maybe it's more a case of finding just one or two friends who are on the same page as you, as opposed to finding a tribe to be part of? Because from there, you and friends can begin to enjoy branching out or doing things together etc. Mind you, even finding that one or two people, as you've mentioned, can be like searching for a needle in a haystack sometimes.

Loneliness is one of the worst forms of pain known to man. I've had more than my share of it. I'm sorry it has dominated your life.

Sexuality is a huge component if who we are, but I wonder why you put it so to the forefront. I'm kind of androgynous myself, and people here and there have misguessed my sexual orientation. I've decided I don't need to prove anything to anyone. Maybe you could decide to just "keep them guessing."

I think it's because I obsess about sex in general as I struggle to get those needs met. There are the same-sex urges that I can't do anything about at the moment. Also, despite having an IUD, I'm so anxious about somehow accidentally getting pregnant that it pretty much ruins intercourse for me. We used to use condoms but that became a logistical nightmare for my partner who's also too anxious for everything to "work".

I find doing anything by myself to be lonely so I only do it when it is absolutely physically necessary. We just don't have very much time together when we're both alone and comfortable. Maybe once a month?

I hope that wasn't too much for this forum...

I try to stay busy so I don't think about it, but I can only be so busy before I become overwhelmed and I really need breaks...but then I start thinking about sex and sexuality.

Maybe this heterosexual relationship is just not right for you. Maybe you need to be in a same-sex relationship?

I don't think it's as simple as that. If I were in a same-sex relationship, I would crave the opposite sex. I think it's more that I'm less suited towards monogamy. But if we did pursue some sort of open relationship, this wouldn't be the time (since we live apart and have issues scheduling time together, neither of us are getting our needs met completely, but not from lack of ability or willingness, just logistics). He also connects love and emotion with sex more than I do. And then, ironically, I'm the one more likely to become jealous.

I'm also more attracted to men in a romantic sense than women. I just prefer the companionship with a man much better. I tend to think more like a man and identify in between male and female, so being with a male partner who understands and respects that and knows that I want to be "bros" and also sexually involved with him.

It's quite complex. At least I am. We've been seeing a therapist who really understands these things to help us sort it out (and help him to understand gender), among other things, such as improving communication. It's greatly strengthened the relationship. It's just being away from each other so much leaves us both feeling like emotional needs and sexual needs aren't being met. They would a lot more if we could live together, but we can't right now because of finances and jobs. It'll be a lot more possible in a year or a year and a half.

It's just lonely spending most if not all my time I'm not at work or in school alone. My family (what's left anyway) has nothing to give for emotional support or anything like that and unless I have a practical question, I shouldn't approach them. So if I'm upset about something, I'm often alone.

I don't know how to approach people who could be friends. I wouldn't know what to say if I were the one to approach them. I never feel like I have enough free time to ask people to hang out. And there's only so much I want to socialize anyway, and a lot of that is spent being drug to parties of my significant other's friends and acquaintances. I'm bored and lonely at most parties.

It's not like I'm against doing anything alone. I like writing and playing video games so I do like having time alone. It's just when it's with everything, most of the time that it gets old. It's like when you see/do something cool or you have something you want to share and then realize there's no one around so you just have the conversation in your head. Or you realize no one you can share it with is going to care.

And no, I'm not the type to go to a movie or out to eat by myself (unless I have to). The enjoyable part isn't the event itself, it's interacting with a living breathing person.

I used to have something like imaginary friends to try to fill that gap when I had absolutely no one. This was even as an adult. Obviously, I knew they weren't real in any way, but it at least gave me the outlet to talk to someone and share my thoughts.

And I don't think it would matter if I DID have friends (if I even knew how to make and keep friends, which I don't). Nothing is going to fill the void within me. No amount of love is ever going to make me feel loved. No amount of care or interest is going to make me feel cared for. No amount of adoration or whatever you can think of is going to make me feel whole. I've been trying for years to just accept feeling empty/lonely/bored, but it's difficult. I wonder if everyone else feels like this?

There's just nothing in life to keep me stimulated enough intellectually and creatively. There's nothing to give me the feeling of connectedness with other human beings. Even if interactions are fun, they're empty. How does anyone else get fulfillment in life? Do they all just have fewer needs than me?

I think it's impossible to feel satisfied in the relationship you describe where there is not enough time together.

Your statements in post # 9 above are the classic beliefs of a person who is chronically depressed. Life just doesn't seem worthwhile. No one can argue you out of believing this.

It takes an awful lot of effort for anyone to put together a life that feels rewarding. The catch is that you can't see the value of making that effort until after you make it. But, when we're depressed, we want a guarantee that effort will pay off before we will make an effort. Life won't give you any such warranty. You have to proceed on faith. If you've lost all faith, then you kind of are doomed to get nowhere.

Even when we are together anymore, I already realize we'll separate and I often feel lonely and abandoned the whole time. It's making me want to just stay alone. Seeing him and then leaving hurts more than just being alone all the time. Seeing all the other couples our age already married and owning homes and having kids etc. hurts too. Being asked if we don't believe in marriage or asked where WE live (like it's so hard to believe that not everyone can live together) hurts so much.

We have no way to relate to people our age. The single ones perhaps, because that's what we are...single. Part of what put me behind was getting an advanced degree and then realizing at the end I was not good enough or smart enough or anything enough to do the job. I went on to do a job that requires an associates degree and continued doing my other job that requires no education. Sometimes I feel good enough to do these jobs but I feel shame and have to hide that I'm so educated. People find out and I just hope they don't make me feel worse about the failure that I am.

I feel like I've been making an effort. I quit a job where I actually fit in and experienced camaraderie to go back to school to get a better job. The first job didn't pay enough to live on. But I'm afraid I'll never find another environment where I fit in. But at least it would be making 3.5-4 times as much and I could actually afford to really live. Of course, this was what I was originally going to school for and quit when I realized I wasn't good enough. I'm still not good enough. No matter what I do or how much training or experience I get, I never know enough to not be stupid or am able to do enough to be competent.

But going through the shame of going back to school yet again instead of already being in a career and owning a house etc. takes some effort. But school is really lonely. Especially now that I really can't relate to anyone and I have to hide who I am. And I have to hide from people who might recognize me.

Even if I meet new people, I don't know what to say. Inevitably they ask about me...I don't want to talk about me. I'd rather talk about them or just sit and listen to others talk. I used to wish to join conversations, but I'm not sure it's worth it anymore. What would I say? I hate having an opinion with strangers because I hate having to defend it or being immediately shot down and invalidated.

I'm just tired of starting over, having to learn a new routine, having to meet new people (everyone is just a stranger most of the time). I just want to BE for a while. You know? To not always have to go into another sea of strangers...

Also wanted to add...

My parents have pretty much always been cold and detached. I'll get no emotional support from them nor will I ever be able to be myself. They did take care of my physical needs so that was great. I'm glad I never had to go hungry or worry about becoming homeless or not having new shoes/clothes when I needed them. But yeah, outside of maybe when I was a toddler, there wasn't any touch or real affection. I'm still uncomfortable with physical affection to show love. It feels unnatural. Something that could be WITHELD at a moment's notice.

I remember them and other adults trying to meddle with my ability to make friends. When I was really young, I didn't understand how other kids played, so I played alone. Then I hanging out with people who were too "old" for me, or kids with *gasp* divorced parents or even more *gasp* kids whose parents lived in an apartment and were probably in a lower class than us. Ugh. That's what I remember.

My parents were adamantly against pre-school so I had no chance to learn how to socialize with kids my age before grade school and never had a chance to separate from my mom (she was a stay at home mom). And so, I just sobbed endlessly my first day of kindergarten because I had never been away from my mom. And I spent most of grade school in the counselor's office. I was too afraid to use the bathroom at school for years and I wet myself at school at least once. I was so afraid of forgetting something, that I had a hard time leaving and had almost OCD-like tendencies to check that I had everything even if I had just seen that I had everything.

I started self-harming as a child. I don't remember how old I was but I think it was grade school some time. There was just so much pain and isolation. I spent every night in 5th grade doing homework for five hours because I wanted it to be perfect because it was ALL I HAD and I really didn't have anything better to do. By sixth grade, I really had no one to play with at recess anymore so I just sat around by myself and watched ants. So basically, I was experiencing crippling loneliness at 11 years old. I'm sure I had felt it sooner as I was so upset I would hurt myself but that's the clearest moment. No matter where I go, who I'm around, no matter what, I'm just ALONE.

There are more details of course. There always are. A lot of it is a haze. What's sad though is most of what I remember about my childhood is me being upset and lonely and left to try to comfort myself as a child who did not have those skills.

People in general just aren't as bad as you say they are. All this "shaming" that you claim people are eager to put on you is really you shaming yourself. I have a B.A. plus a year of graduate study. I've spent most of my life working at a job that required 1 year of vocational training. Then I progressed to a job that required only an associate degree. Nobody cares. It sounds to me like you've internalized some snobbish prejudices. Then you project them onto the world at large. Yes, there are miserable, shallow people in the world. I believe you that your parents belong in that category. So move on. There are lots of people in the world who are every bit as nice as you are, and even nicer.

You are way too invested in throwing an interminable pity party for yourself. I totally believe you that your parents didn't meet your emotional needs. That can't be changed. What's hurting you the most is not your history of being neglected as a child. It is the way you think about it: "I was psychologically neglected. My needs weren't met. That damaged me. I can't recover from it." Bologna. People recover from worse. They bear scars and vulnerabilities, but it is possible to move on. You are embracing failure as your identity. You see yourself as the protagonist in a grand tragic drama. Try writing a new script.

I don't mean to be insensitive to your pain. Your pain is deep and it is real. You have put forth some staunch effort to achieve the education that you have amassed. Yes, you've made strenuous effort. Academic degrees just aren't the pathway to employment success that many have hoped they would be. You have lots of company in dealing with that disappointment. I deal with it, myself.

Start accepting that there are lots of nice people in the world. Do the best you can on whatever job you can hold. Stop harshly judging people you haven't even met. If you have limitations in your abilities, accept that and work around them.

I watched a documentary about people recovering from bad childhoods. A young woman in this film had been raised by her dope-addict/prostitute mother. When she was 4 her mother rented her out to pedophiles. She escaped that life and was now involved in doing outreach to others in bad home situations. She found great meaning in her life. She had very little education, so she was not familiar with all the psych theories about how damaged one can be by poor/bad parenting. Sooner or later we each have to parent ourselves.