Boyfriend is constantly blaming depression/anxiety for not keeping a job. Please help

My boyfriend and I have been living together for 3 years now. We’re both 25. Through out those 3 years, he has not been able to keep a job for more than several months. The first 2 years he helped my dad as a caregiver, but only got assigned for 4 hours a day so it wasn’t helping me at all for paying his part.

He constantly has problems with others at jobs, says they’re putting all the work on him, or various other problems that could easily be solved. He has very bad anger and seems to always get upset with coworkers or people telling him what to do. I’ve tried for so long to get him to go get professional help, but he refuses since he thinks it doesn’t work and keeps insisting he’ll work on it himself. His excuse for everything is that he can’t deal with people and doesn’t want to be around them because of his past/anxiety and depression. He keeps insisting he has PTSD from his past (he lived in a bad neighborhood/had several incidents that still cause him anxiety), but again refuses to get help.

He started a new job just 3 days ago and already claiming he hates it. He’s so set on only working night jobs in warehouses because he thinks he won’t have to see or talk to anyone. I’m completely against this since with my job and college, I will never really see him for more than an hour a day. I also want him to start focusing on looking for a career type of job, but it seems like everything I suggest, he just tells me how he can’t deal with people.

I don’t know what to do or how to help him anymore. This is really effecting our relationship. We’re finally starting to go out again since for the longest time he would make it so difficult since he constantly had anxiety by places I suggested. I have very bad depression/anxiety as well, but I’ve never let it prevent me from working. I’m slowly resenting him as I’m constantly paying most of his share in the house. He also makes me feel terrible when I suggest I think he’s using his mental health as an excuse to just not work or that he needs to learn to deal with people/get help. I don’t see how our relationship can continue if he can’t even stay at a job or is constantly starting fights with others/quitting his jobs. What can I do to try and help him so he starts taking things seriously? We had a severe fight last night and I told him that if this continues then I will have no choice, but to ask him to move out because I am sick of working so hard to cover for him.

It seems like a reasonable demand to expect financial contributions to remain under the same roof.
Granted working a 3rd shift in a warehouse would interfere with the relationship time, at the same time if that's what he's saying would work for him, then why pressure him out of it? And if he cannot even hold that down then you already know what's in your heart.

To me, the warehouse job is a way to try to hide from problems, not address them.

At least he would be making some money.

I know of nothing more you can do to encourage him to become an equal partner.

You have already carried him for three years. That's a really long time. How much longer are you going to allow the situation to persist?

Setting the relationship aside, if he feels the right fit for him in a job is working a night shift job, then I don't think you should discourage that. I also think it's wrong to compare your depression and anxiety and its effect on your life, with his depression and anxiety and how it affects him. These disorders affect everyone differently. There were times when I could NOT work due to depression and anxiety and PTSD. And now, in the right job, I can work. But it's pretty much because, like your BF, I was able to find something that allowed me to do the self-care I need to do and be in an environment that doesn't trigger me too greatly.

I understand that there are other issues, and him not paying his way is a big one. I can understand your resentment. However, I also think that you could be more understanding if he does not want to go out or do certain things because of how he is feeling with his depression/anxiety.

If he can successfully keep down a night shift type job, then I think you should encourage him. Yes, you won't see each other as much. You will have to be diligent about scheduling quality time together on days off. But won't you feel so much better if he's contributing, and won't he feel better if he's working a job he's comfortable with? Maybe a "career-type job" isn't for him. I'm not condoning his lack of contribution to the household - that's a major issue; but I also hear a lot of pressure from you for him to live up to expectations that you have, that he might not subscribe to or that may be impossible due to his depression and anxiety.

I would try letting him do the night shift type job, if it were me. Also, are either of you in therapy or seeing a psychiatrist?

Seesaw

I fully agree with the above post. Seesaw made some great points too.

Why not give him a chance to work in a warehouse, a job he wants to do and thinks he can do? If his depression and anxiety are interfering with his work, & if he cannot seem to control his anger, it may be best for him not to work around people as much.

Yes, it would be much more beneficial and ideal if he addresses these issues and works on them with a therapist, but since he refuses, what more can you do but encourage him to do what he thinks will be best?

And no, you cannot push your own agenda or desires onto another person. He will resent you for it, in the end.

He does need to contribute financially for certain, so your feelings are perfectly understandable.

If you still want to give him a chance at this point, I would encourage him to pursue a warehouse position and see how he does. Like healing4me said, if he cannot even do that, then you have your answer.

In the end, he needs to contribute financially and must be able to hold down a job, if you two are going to last.

My husband worked night shifts for years. Well it’s not warehouse but it’s all night. We managed. Sure it’s not easy but it’s doable. I don’t see it as an issue.

You have to decide what you are willing to put up with. What’s your deal breaker?

I personally would never allow an adult living with me and not equally contributing. Nope. I
don’t care why he doesn’t work. If he doesn’t work, he has to live elsewhere.

Now if it’s not a deal breaker for you, just keep in mind that if you marry him and stay married for awhile you’d be paying him spousal support. For years. And in the worst scenario for life.

Also since he lived with you rent free that long, it will be rather hard to evict him. You might have to take him to court

As long as he can leach off of you, he will not be motivated to change. Right now all his needs are met, so he figures why change anything. I'm afraid you're going to have to kick him out, unless you want this to go on forever.

Even after you throw him out, he's unlikely to change. He'll immediately look for another enabler. You matter to him only for as long as you will "cover" him.

He's immature. All this stuff about trauma and PTSD is a smokescreen to obscure the reality that he just doesn't want to grow up.

If he cannot work due to depression and anxiety, then he needs to go on disability not look for a girlfriend to mooch off. There are ton of people out there who cannot work for variety of reasons and I symphatize with that, but it doesn’t mean I have to take them all in my house and support them. It’s fine to be understanding and emotionally supportive but does this understanding mean one should be hosting people in their house? I just don’t get it. Should we all take and support everyone who doesn’t work out there? Because we have to be understanding?

while I would say that depression and anxiety is surely something that makes it difficult for people to work consistently in some cases, I also find it hard to believe that in 3 yrs and all the jobs he's tried, there has been nothing that would work for him.

While I agree with the comment that you can't know how depression and anxiety affects him, it's not just one instance of a specific job that caused too much stress for him to work but all of them up to this point? a lot of people do have periods where they don't feel they can work and I understand that but in this case, looking at all that you've said, it does indeed seem that there is some evidence of what the poster said about him growing up and leaching off of you. right now, if you keep letting him bounce form job to job and supporting this pattern of behavior it really may never stop. what is happening here could very well be a codependent relationship and with you being the enabler. ofc this is all just from what you've said so I could be wrong.

The resentment and frustration on your part is something that you will have to assess yourself as to whether or not this relationship is worth the investment you are putting into it financially now and going forward.

In a nutshell, you have to decide something. He may never find the right job. that's a fact. regardless of the reasons, whether it's because of his depresson and anxiety or whether he is using you and leaching, it matters less than whether or not you are ready and willing to accept what it is right now. Once you accept this may be ongoing and permanent (possibly) you can make a wise decision as to what you can do. You can't change him and maybe he never will but it's like this. If you accept this is what it is and decide to leave, you have made a sound decision. but if you accept this is how it is and accept that you may be taking care of him and that's ok with you, that also is a sound decision but it all comes down to your accepting that you can't change him and that things may never change. Once you do, your decision either way will be based on what is real not what if or some other intangible that may or may not be later.

Ultimatum: either he gets professional help or you leave.

Otherwise, this relationship is going to take out any self-respect in its path.