From Engaged to Being Friends

I've had a very recent breakup from a five year relationship. One that I would deem good, even with this end. We both still love each other, though he is no longer in love with me. I'm still in love with him. More than anything, I need my best friend and that's also him. It's literally only been a few days since we broke up. But I don't want this to be some conventional breakup because it wasn't a conventional relationship. I still want us to be friends. And yes, a part of me strongly wants more than that. Regardless, I've already started talking to him tonight like we're just a couple of best friends. It hurts, but I want to do it. I need to do it.

Please tell me I didn't **** up here. This is my first time visiting this side of PC, so I don't really know what else to say.

Breakups come in different forms in how they transpire. Considering you were together as long and were engaged to be married and no real wrongs occurred, it makes sense to me that this wouldn't be cleancut and no contact.

There's really no right or wrong here, in my opinion.

You did the right thing, and hopefully by remaining friends it will make it easier for you to let the extra feelings go. My heart aches for what you're going through, but I so admire your strength. I would not have been so strong.

The idea that he is and will remain your best friend is a fantasy. You may need to cling to that for awhile. Go ahead. Eventually though, you are going to have to let go. You don't have to accept that today. I know you can't. But that is the reality.

Clinging to your connection to him will be an impedance to you finding a new "significant other." I've seen people go years clinging to some remnant of what was a relationship. It's no good. They stay stuck in the past. They never stop mourning what is gone. If he's a decent guy, then he will help you let go by gently disengaging from you.

You haven't wanted to go into the nature of how this 5 year romance terminated - with him falling out of love with you. I won't ask you to. But I'll bet you are idealizing him and the relationship into something more noble than what it was. Five years is a long time. What does a guy discover after 5 years that he didn't know after 4 years. It sounds like he let you down. Some anger on your part might be appropriate.

I appreciate your directness. I'm not going to lie, I do see it as a kind of a fantasy. Don't get me wrong, it is possible, but maybe not probable. I know talking to him, I felt a burning in my chest. I fought my habits of saying, "babe", "my love" etc. the entire time. Those habits are difficult to break. I think I'm doing what I need to do. How we're doing it is weird-ish. It goes like, "Hey, friend. I'm going through a breakup, so let's talk about something random to get my mind off it." That's mostly me.

When it comes to idealizing him or our relationship, I have to say that isn't true. Honestly, I've seen so many screw ups on both of us, it's a shame I didn't see it before but it is what it is. And, yeah, I'm pretty angry at him. But for some reason, that doesn't counter how much I love him.

Seeing my parents, seeing my grandparents... I've only ever seen people split up after getting to the point where they hate each other. So, us still loving one another, it's foreign. No, he didn't fall out of love with me over night, but I know from experience what it's like to fall out of love with someone. Maybe that's why I can't hold a grudge. In contrast, I do have anger and I'll discuss that when I'm ready, but I don't want to go into that blinded rage of misery like I have before (under different circumstances), I worked my *** off to get out of that. I don't want to fall back in.

Maybe this all comes down to use being friends before we were ever a couple. Maybe we're reverting back to that stage until we can both let go.

Whatever works in the letting go way is fine as long as it works for both.

Yes, friendly ends would be nice. Sometimes we just get fed up with the other person & enough is enough. Glad you both seem to be on the same page though I know when my H & I separated while livibg in the same house for many years before I coukd leave.....it wasn't pretty by the end. So what seems like a friendship when pushed too far after breaking up can turn dark. Best to make the spkit while all are on good terms.

I can't imagine how difficult of a time this must be for you but you seem to be a strong person with a leveled head. But i do have to agree with the fact that it's also a very difficult task to maintain a friendship after such a long term relationship. Usually one person will find someone else which in this case you must prepare yourself to be the second one since he is the one who fell out of love with you. And then everything can go downhill from there unless you're able to handle it extremely well. I wish you the best and don't be afraid to open your self up to someone new.

Ok well I am going to buck the trend here. I am friends with all my ex's except the last one. That's quite a few.
(I was busy in my late teens and they my twenties.)

Some were flings, some were crazy absolute love affairs, one I had a baby with, even long term relationships that lasted a couple of years. (I wouldn't call that long term now, but I did then.)

What I will say was, we needed time apart to make it work.
And I mean a few months of not seeing each other and getting on with other things.
Fact is one of you will love the other more, and when your that person it is crushing.

You can stay friends, but it's never going to be like it was, and when you see him with someone else it's going to break you up all over again.

So I would honestly suggest a clean break, some time apart to grieve, and comeback to it fresh at a later date.

Wish you all the best.

....incidentally I am still best friends with 3 of my ex's. Two are God parents to my kids nearly 20 years on. So it can be done.

Well . . . cling to this guy as long as you like. But time's awasting. You're going to need to find someone else to love you. I'ld start now.