Alcoholic fiancé is out of control

It don't know where to start. I started dating the most beautiful woman about 3 years ago..I'm 52 she is 43 and we hit it off. She lived with me for the same amount of time. Her 16-year-old son lives with us which is great wonderful kid. When she starts to drink she doesn't stop. To the point where I actually found her in the middle of the night leaving the house with the stranger he said he had alcohol. I found them down the street her passed out She has been in and out of rehab for the last 15 years and today I found her walking to the store around the corner to get alcohol. She had no money and at 9 AM this morning she had two guys buying her a beer sitting on the side of a convenience store. There's no telling what would've happened if I didn't show up I am really getting tired of her son and family won't speak to her but I can't take this infidelity and blackouts that she would have no idea what she's doing and there is no telling how many times that happens when I'm at work...i really don't want to move on but the verbal abuse and physical (black eye) and me constantly babysitting her isn't something I'm willing to do any more. Help!??

I see this is your first post, Welcome to PC.

I found a couple of articles from Psych Central's archives.

https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-...holic-partner/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/living-with-an-alcoholic/

Sounds like an unenviable situation to be in. With her taking off to get her next fix. Creating a rift between the two of you and neglecting her role as a mom in behaving this way--blackout or not.

I like the first article about letting it sink in without making demands to begin with, only expressing your own feelings.

The second article delves into the support those affected need.

There is no easy solution here, it shouldn't be her son's responsibility to talk to her either...He is a kid who didn't ask to be in this situation.

However you chose to be with this person and even after witnessing the severity of the problem you have stayed, like many of us do in the hope things will get better.

You can't change her, or her behaviour, but you can change how you choose to respond to it. Easier said than done, I know. We get into a way of being and it's difficult to get out of.

If she isn't ready to dry out there is nothing you can do, and I am telling you this as a 24 year drug addict.

She has crossed physical boundaries, and is putting herself in danger just to get a fix.

I would suggest getting out while you can, before she becomes too Ill or so infirm you are left to nurse her to an early grave.

I might also request you consider her son in all this, he doesn't need this anymore than you do, and when you got with her he became a part of your life and to some extent responsibility. If you could manage to not cut him out at the same time as exiting the relationship, that would probably help him alot.

I also understand that would be difficult, but that's part of the responsibility of getting involved with someone with kids.

Whatever happens I wish you all the best for your future.

I was engaged to an alcoholic and it became a total nightmare. His addiction came first, not me. It became a very toxic relationship I had to leave.

You have two choices: either leave and end the relationship or stay.

If you stay, you will be dealing with this possibly for the rest of your life. Alcoholism is a serious disease. It takes over a person's priorities, mindset and life. It is highly destructive. So, if you stay, you will go further downhill with her, as long as she remains the same.

The only way to stay is she would need to admit to her problem, agree to stop drinking and go to AA meetings every day. That is incredibly hard to accomplish when someone is so deeply entrenched in their addiction. And typically, addicts will allow their addiction to win over willpower. You would constantly need to be watching her, making sure she is not drinking.

I suppose you have to choose what kind of life you want to lead from here on out. Do you want to take care of an addict, who is a full blown addict right now, and get her into recovery? How much are you willing to do for her?

She's already behaved badly towards you. If she is also abusing you verbally and cheating on you because of her drinking, my suggestion would be to leave, no matter how hard it is to do.

Sounds like she needs help. And I think both you and her son need help too. It's very hard and her illness affects you both. Please speak to a professional about support for family of alcoholics.

You certainly cannot help her and trying will hurt you. It's important to understand that.

Stay safe

Hi APOguy, first, welcome to PC, this is a good place to get support and even gain some knowledge about the problem you have shared here.

I am sad that this woman you are dating acts like this around her son, she is most definitely damaging him by her behaviors and he will need a lot of help himself eventually as growing up with an alcoholic most definitely creates some significant challenges that can affect someone their entire life.

I am sorry this "beautiful" woman is choosing the alcohol to escape and she drinks to the point where she blacks out like this. This woman will need professional help and often there is a lot more problems aside for the alcoholism. Often women like this, even males began drinking because they suffered trauma and struggle with PTSD, but don't even know it and end up using the alcohol as an escape and then become addicted to the alcohol.

The truth is that even if this woman STOPPED drinking, she will have YEARS facing life sober and whatever might have happened to her that set her on this path. The maturity level of these individuals are often only at the age level they began using too, so that means these individuals will have to learn HOW to grow up and actually learn how to be an adult. If this woman chooses to continue engaging like this, she will end up dying of this disease, I tried to help a friend that drank and she could not stop and died of this disease. The longer one engages this lifestyle, the harder it will be for them because they have gotten to the point where they literally get sick if they don't have alcohol in their system.

For the one's who binge, they can hold off for days, sometimes even weeks, but as soon as they drink, they usually drink until they black out. That is how my husband was and I lived "his" cycle not realizing that I was learning to live my life around a binge alcoholic, I did not know what that was, and they typically hang out with "friends" that also have this problem. These are drinking buddies, but they are NOT actually friends, they only learn to recognize that however when they get sober and learn about this disease and how to commit to staying sober and changing their lifestyle which includes staying away from these so called "drinking buddies" who are only interested in having someone to drink with.

While these individuals suffer, they really HURT everyone around them, their children, partners EVERYONE gets hurt.

I can tell you, you do not even know who this woman really is, even SHE doesn't know that. DO NOT MARRY HER, all you would be doing in marrying the disease itself and that is a relationship that is always TOXIC, that is a guarantee.

I would suggest that you find an Ala-non meeting and go faithfully. You might have to try a few until you find the group you are most comfortable in, but it is important to go. Take her son with you if he is willing. Whether you Lee t to stay or leave the relationship, Alanon is a great resource.