Gossiping, Dying Uncle

There is no reason he needs to know about the car. Maybe if it was something highly unusual like buying an airplane. People buy cars all the time and some switch cars often. I wouldn’t even mention it. And certainly not how you paid for it.

My dad likes to comment how I overpay for everything (I don’t but it’s his way of acting like he always knows better)but I can’t hide big purchases as I see my parents every few days. If I didn’t see them that often, they wouldn’t even know as I wouldn’t even tell them. I wouldn’t even think it’s something to tell them.

It’s perfectly ok to share about a movie you saw or visit to mom (unless that leads to drama).

I like the list idea and to keep the conversation turned back on him. You must protect yourself so tread carefully. Wishing you all the best on this one. I admire your compassion. Although my abuser is very sick I have none for him.

indeed this is a very tough situation and I agree you may be able to stomach a conversation. I would say that this man is as you say, dying and you could simply call to show compassion but I'd say be prepared to just leave it at that, keep it short, show that you remember him and then end it. Once it starts veering to a point of anything to do with him trying to get some "information" out of you or seems like that's his goal, kindly cut off the conversation - using any means you can. or simply say you have things to do and sorry to cut it short... hang up.

It clears your conscience, serves to let a dying man know that people are still there, if that's what he truly needs. I am sure, knowing you that this will probably bounce around in your head and your conscience for awhile so I would probably lean toward suggesting you just get it over with but not without being prepared.

Hope this helps.

My partner is on Facebook every day but he’s a “silent” Facebook user and never comments on anyone’s posts but he does see them

My brother has a very practical way of avoiding questions he doesn't want to answer. When a question is asked and he no longer wants to talk about it he says "next" and stops talking. Gives the person asking nowhere to go.

seesaw, the way your uncle interacts is all he really knows. He has learned to ask questions and then whatever he is told gives him something to talk about and he probably adds to that so he can get attention and have something to talk about.

What might help you is "before" you call him write down things you CAN talk about with him so you have something to go by where you can talk about "stuff" but not give him anything he can gossip about. This man is just a lonely guy and not very educated so he ended up gossiping and sharing tidbits about other people he talks to. He is just a lonely man and he is at the end of his life and I am sure he is scared and what he needs most is to feel connections with others so he doesn't feel so alone. He probably did not have much self esteem or care much about himself which is why he failed to take care of himself. Sounds like he basically lived his life through others.

I appreciate your concern for him but a lot of your assumptions are not true, and just not how it is. He's very well-educated. He's not "just a lonely guy." It's not "just sharing tidbits." He blatantly gossips to spread things about people. It's fairly calculated. He WANTS to find things out so he can be the center of attention to tell other people things, whether true or not, about other people. Gossip is not harmless. So your excusal of him is extremely invalidating of what trauma this has caused me.

However, I agree with you on figuring out what I will or will not discuss in the conversation before it happens.

Thanks.

An update on the situation. While I was away on business, I got a notification from Facebook that it was my uncle's birthday. I decided that I wanted him to have a good birthday, so I called him and wished him a happy birthday. It went fairly well. I steered clear of giving any information on anything. I also went by a good friend's advice that it really doesn't matter what I tell him, he will probably make **** up anyways. And if people, who know me, want to know about me, they can just ask ME. So I figure if people are willing to believe his ****, and most people know what he's like, then they can go **** themselves. They should know better.

Anyways, what's hilarious is that about a week later my uncle got sick and had to go to the ER for an upper respiratory infection. Just for all you who think he's literally dying, he's not, yet. He probably only has a couple of years left because of the amputation and how he takes care of himself, but if he were to start taking care of himself, he could recover and live longer. I digress.

Anyways, my dad sends me these nasty texts that, while they have information about my uncle's status, are meant to garner some kind of reaction out of me. I don't respond to them because I do not reward people who send me nasty, abusive texts with responses. I have boundaries and one of those is that when you can communicate with me civilly, then you will get a response.

I guess I'm now curious if anyone else has family members who send them nasty texts as their form of communication and do you respond? I think it's important to not reward that behavior. My dad thinks I'm a terrible person. I'm pretty clear on that. I'm not sure why he thinks these nasty texts help his case at all. If he wants me to do something, why does he think that calling me names or treating me poorly will get me to do any of the things he wants? I don't do things for people who treat me like ****...Why would I?

I see that his behavior is simply a carry-on of what he's done my entire life. Use force, abuse, and bullying to get what he wants. When I was a child and a young adult and indoctrinated to that behavior for my safety, it worked. But having been through lots of therapy and dealing with the PTSD and anxiety HE caused, no way in hell is a nasty text from him having any weight or bearing on me. In fact, I get these texts from him now and I just laugh and think "good for you, you know how to use a smartphone to call me names." In the past, I would have wanted to respond and do what he asked for the fear that my life depended on it. But it doesn't. So he really has no power. And his petty name calling is just that. This is the behavior of a narcissistic/NPD abuser. It's both hilarious to me to see it presented so obviously and sad to me that 1) I have to deal with him like I would deal with my dogs. Literally, when my dogs behave badly the punishment is that they get ignored. If they are jumping on me or barking at me for attention, we deal with that by walking away and removing what they want, which is attention from me. That I have to do the same with a grown man that I do with a dog is just sad. 2) Hilarious and sad to me that my dogs figure it out faster than he does. 3) Sad that a person truly feels the best way to deal with people you "love" is to be cruel to them. And doesn't see that cruelty in their own behavior. Can see nothing wrong with how they behave. I would love to live in a world where there was a possibility that I could somehow have a conversation with my father about things, but I frankly don't see that ever being a possibility, and I'm no longer open to it. There has been too much abuse and too much cruelty. I don't ever see anything positive coming out of a relationship with him other than a feeling that I'm meeting some societal obligation to have a relationship with my biological father.

Well, I digress. Back to the new question: does anyone actually respond to nasty texts or other communications from narcissists?

The best way to deal with an abusive narc is to ignore them. They want a reaction from you. They want to have power over you, and by reacting, they get that power. So I agree with your no response boundary. It's the best approach, especially since you really don't want much of a relationship with your father.

Amazing isn’t it. What’s he thinking?

My dad has similar tendencies. Few years back my mom said that dad complains i don’t call him. Well i see my parents regularly as we all live close by and I always call my mom so I don’t feel like I am being neglectful but it’s true I don’t call my dad often. So since my mom asked and I felt guilty I decided to make an effort and call regularly. Every single time I did call he was absolutely nasty either about me or saying something nasty about my mom etc etc like really rude and terrible.

So he wanted me to call him and was upset I didn’t yet when I called he was nasty. How does it even make sense? I promptly stopped calling again.

I see no need for you to respond to your dad at all. If he can’t be nice then he doesn’t get a response especially since it’s not like you have to see him and must interact in some ways