We had sex on the first date and I feel like I ruined everything.

Hi everyone. I’m so depressed and at the point of giving up. Some background on me: I was raped at age 16 and as a result I have depression and trust issues as well as unrelated ADHD. I am in therapy and on medication but I often feel that it isnt working.
Now here is my present predicament. Recently a guy my age messaged me on Instagram saying I was cute. I don’t usually reply to Instagram messages but I thought he was cute and seemed sweet so we started talking. He was very sweet to me, saying we needed to go out on a date and all that. A few days later (this past Monday) we met up. I took the train to where he lived and he picked me up. Me and him hung out for a little bit, got ice cream, kissed and all that, and then we met up with his friends that evening and we all went bowling. We were drinking at the bowling alley and we both were slightly drunk, and very into each other, kissing, holding each other, being affectionate and what have you. Everything was going great. By the time we finished bowling it was almost midnight and we went back to his friends house. He kept saying I could spend the night if I wanted, and because I didn’t feel like taking the hour train ride back by myself, I did, and we slept together. This isn’t the first time I slept with a guy on the first date and I know it always goes nowhere. I really didn’t intend to do anything sexual with him it kind of just happened and now I’m so sad and regret it so much. I can tell he doesn’t care as much now, he withdrew. We’ve talked and stuff and I told him I wanted to spend quality time with him and not just hook up. He said “I’m not against that I think we need to hang out more.” However we were supposed to hang out yesterday and he flaked on it but he said we can hang out today, but now he isn’t answering his texts and I feel like he’s going to flake again. I don’t know if I should stop trying with this guy. I really like him and I don’t want to give up but I feel like he lost interest since we had sex and I don’t know how to make him care again. I’m just really sad and need help. I know I come off as very clingy and I hate myself for it. I just want to make this work and I feel like it won’t.

You didnt ruin everything. There is nothing wrong with having sex on a first date. However, if it is difficult on you emotionally, then wait more. He may have bailed even if you hadnt had sex. You just dont know. Maybe he wasnt looking for commitment. People aren't always transparent.

The biggest thing is not to blame yourself. Realize that perhaps it doesnt work for you and do something different next time if this guy doesnt come around.

Maybe you acted in a way, after you had sex, that showed you are very insecure and did act too clingy due to your reaction to your having sex— not his reaction to the sex, but yours...like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Your best course of action is to let him pursue you, if he wants to. I think your pursuing him is causing his withdrawal to go further.

If it doesn’t work out, then you can learn for the next romantic prospect, don’t sleep with him on the first date— not because it is a bad thing or will scare any man off— but because your insecurity about it will scare them off.

Let him go and if he pursues you, then respond. If not, then all he wanted was sex and is going for the next notch on his belt so forget him. There are many men out there so don't get discouraged if he does not work out. However, may be next time, don't sleep with someone on the first date if you don't know the man too well and want him to keep coming around. From my experience, men who have slept with me on the first date only want sex. They may disappear or come back only wanting more sex. Thus, if sex is all you want, then it is ok. If not, then don't give in on the first date and don't be caught in a situation where you can't go home by yourself. As you date more, you will find out what you want too from men. I would not consider this man a loss if he disappears but a lesson to learn that what comes easily usually goes easily. Best Wishes!

I agree with bp Keep it quiet and see how he acts.

You can’t scare someone off by sleeping with him. If he is interested to pursue further dates , he will regardless how fast you slept together.

BUT by not sleeping with men right away you weed out those who only want sex. If they only want sex they won’t stick around.

Also it could be quite unsafe and even dangerous to go to strangers houses and especially sleep with them. I’d probably also refrain from drinking on a first date as it impaired your judgement.

I’d say that him not following up with a date and not responding to your messages likely means he is not worth your time. Don’t beat yourself up as there are plenty of men out there who seek meaningful connection with women. Good luck

I looked at your previous posts. I am sorry for your struggles. I very much recommend you continue with therapy. I also think getting yourself very busy might help. Do you have a summer job? Planning for college? Get yourself very busy with meaningful activities

Men get more invested in a relationship if there is a get to know you period before sex. But don't feel bad. Check out attachment in adults in Wikipedia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults. Sometimes we use sex to get close to people and hang onto people. It's hard to explain and it's hard for people to understand if they haven't had to deal with childhood trauma. I usually get too close too fast and scare people away. Unless the other person is capable of a whirlwind relationship, then sometimes a partner can lose interest real quick.

Great Wiki article! Thanks