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Default Jul 08, 2018 at 07:10 PM
  #1
I would like some help working through old wounds that have never healed. My daughter ran away from home at 17 and I have never gotten over it. I can honestly say I have never been the same person since.

I tried to reach out for years and repair the relationship. I’ve tried several times to apologize for mistakes I made as a mother. I had her at a very young age and with no support whatsoever from any family. I put myself through college while she was very small but I was too young to be a mother and I made lots of mistakes. She has never acknowledged my apologies.

She has always shut me out. If I ever voice an opinion in any way, she won’t speak to me for months. I used to encourage her to finish high school and go to college but she wouldn’t speak to me for months afterward so I stopped. I can feel her getting annoyed if I talk about something she disagrees with and then I start nervously rambling. I cannot be myself around her or and I feel I will be punished if I overstep any boundaries.

Recently she and her new husband spent several days with hubby and me at our house. It was the most time I have seen her since she left home. She’s 30 years old now. She usually visits once or twice a year for just a couple of days. I was really excited and looking forward to this visit but I found myself completely frustrated and fed up. Long story short... It felt like I was running a hotel. I cooked, cleaned and pretty much waited on them. I felt exhausted and I felt resentful.

I don’t have a clue what’s a normal or healthy relationship with adult kids. I don’t look forward to my daughter coming back. Things are so strained and it’s painful. I constantly feel afraid that if I mess things up she won’t come back. She’s having a baby soon and I am honesty not excited about the baby. I feel fairly certain I’ll be just as shut out of the baby’s life as I have hers.

How did I go from being a mother who (many years ago...) would sacrifice anything for their child to a mother who doesn’t enjoy visits and resents doing things for their child? This last visit especially got to me. I have friends who will go to the ends of the earth for their adult kids, even if their kids treat them badly. Why I am so different? I am struggling to reconcile the guilt and shame for my past mistakes as a mother and now the guilt and shame for feeling happier when she’s not around.

On the surface we can get along. I can continue to accept things as they are. It’s what I’ve done for years now. Why do I just want to give the whole thing up? It feels like a portion of my heart has completely shut down and will never open again.

Last edited by Anonymous47864; Jul 08, 2018 at 07:27 PM.. Reason: My first post was too long
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Default Jul 08, 2018 at 08:47 PM
  #2
It's because you're afraid of being hurt again. If she completely shuts you out again, its more protective to feel that you "didn't feel much" to begin with anyway because you now "resent" her company and don't look forward to her coming over again - so if she does leave then she can't hurt you all over again. And you're probably not excited for the baby for the same reason - you're worried (even subconsciously) that if you do get excited history might repeat itself and she'll cut contact.

Don't have a conversation with her about not feeling excited about the baby. That could crush her and make the gap even worse. You'll have to put on your grandma face when bubs is born for the long term health of all of your relationships.

There's no "boundaries" per say and as it's been the longest you've seen her at her place she probably likely did feel like she'd come to a hotel for a break and let mom run around after her especially given that she's pregnant. I don't for one second say this is right, but if she hasn't lived with you for years she's lost the appropriate way she's meant to be acting when staying at yours. Again - not a conversation I'd bring up with her, given how estranged your relationship is.

What I think is that you do need counselling to work through the feelings that you are experiencing. You have to heal first before you can move on with her. And hopefully in time when you've worked through the hurt you'll begin to feel more like the person you felt before all of this happened.
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Default Jul 09, 2018 at 06:54 AM
  #3
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Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch View Post
It's because you're afraid of being hurt again. If she completely shuts you out again, its more protective to feel that you "didn't feel much" to begin with anyway because you now "resent" her company and don't look forward to her coming over again - so if she does leave then she can't hurt you all over again. And you're probably not excited for the baby for the same reason - you're worried (even subconsciously) that if you do get excited history might repeat itself and she'll cut contact.

Don't have a conversation with her about not feeling excited about the baby. That could crush her and make the gap even worse. You'll have to put on your grandma face when bubs is born for the long term health of all of your relationships.

There's no "boundaries" per say and as it's been the longest you've seen her at her place she probably likely did feel like she'd come to a hotel for a break and let mom run around after her especially given that she's pregnant. I don't for one second say this is right, but if she hasn't lived with you for years she's lost the appropriate way she's meant to be acting when staying at yours. Again - not a conversation I'd bring up with her, given how estranged your relationship is.

What I think is that you do need counselling to work through the feelings that you are experiencing. You have to heal first before you can move on with her. And hopefully in time when you've worked through the hurt you'll begin to feel more like the person you felt before all of this happened.
Wow you definitely hit it right on the mark with everything you have said here. The pain is very deep and just when I think I’ve learned to manage it ok, the wound is opened all over again. I’ve definitely never brought up my thoughts and feelings with her on any of this and have never intended to.
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