how do I find a potential partner

How do I meet someone who could turn into a potential partner? I have severe social anxiety when it comes to talking to people my age and trying to be social. Especially if I'm interested in the person. I clam up, avoid eye contact, go blank inside my head, and just basically try and go invisible. It's a conditioned response and I haven't managed to tackle it yet.

Apps and dating sites don't work for me because they make me feel more awkward and I hate and suck at small talk, not to mention a high majority of people on dating apps and sites are looking for something casual. I can't even agree to meeting in person without working myself into a panic attack.

Maybe I'd be more open to something casual if I even had an inkling of experience but I don't. Never been kissed, had a boyfriend or girlfriend, or done anything sexual with anyone.

I don't like clubs and I generally am just not open to someone approaching me while I'm out an about. I'm always taken of guard and need time to mentally prep. So when I have been interested in people in the pass, it's been someone from school (like a class in college) or through work. I usual don't even realize I like a person until I've seen them around a few times because I'm so inside my head most of the times and trying to blend into the background. Once I've realized I like someone I have no social skills to fall back on to try engage with them.

What do people like to do for fun? I dunno, I just smoke tons of weed to stay afloat. Even if I was better at talking to people and whatnot, then the self doubt/loathing and low self esteem creep in. Who would really be interested in me?

Like, sure I might be a decent catch to meet someone's means, but I'm always worried that that someone will like me only so they can use me for what they want. And I know once I fall for someone, I fall HARD. How do I tell them I got like a **** load of unpacked baggage? How do I stop the crushing feeling and weight that I'm going to be alone forever and die????

I cover up that feeling that I'll die alone with lots of meaningless sex. It's not healthy but it's working for me right now

The smoking weed could be making the social anxiety worse.

There must be good books to read that teach the social skills you haven’t learned. Making friends is the same process to finding a romantic partner, basically.

Being introverted and very shy is so understood and accepted and there are many others like you to find and bond with. Or finding someone extroverted who is different from you sometimes makes a great match.

As for “dying alone” fear... I don’t get it. Don’t we all die alone anyway? When we are dying and so out of it, do we really care who is there with us? IDK, I’ve seen people so close to me die and they really weren’t even there in the room any more... just saying...

I wouldn’t worry about dying alone because that could happen to anyone. I am married but my husband might die before me and my daughter lives far that might not even get anywhere around me on time.

But it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to enjoy relationships while alive.

I am not sure about smoking ton of weed. It might actually limit your dating pool. Many people would opt against dating those who execessively (or at all) smoke weed. Do you have therapist? I’d advice you to see one and ask for help with social skills

Yeah but for some of us hooking up is hard in the first place, whether for sex or relationships. I have never had the confidence to do something like that.

And yeah dating sites just make things worse not better.

I hate dating sites. Tried for less than a week. Much easier to hookup in person

I don't go out though, not socially anyway - wouldn't know where to start

Do things you like and others might be there

Thanks that's good advice and I have been trying to do that - although I still don't go out like in dating or going to pubs etc I do now go to yoga groups and a walking group but in those I still don't approach women for dates - I'm just too shy and think they will feel I'm being a creep and prefer to respect their space. tbh the only ones I find attractive are all in relationships/married anyway

The ones I like usually are taken or need to be taken away. I lower my standards sometimes

I cannot stand small talk myself. And if I don't have to, I won't do it at all. I'm pretty much a recluse with the exception of having a very few close friends (funnily enough, they live in other countries and one of them I've never met).

As far as dating is concerned, it's a numbers game. With the dating apps, there were several matches on liking the appearance of someone. But as far as connecting, it was very few and far between because again, the small talk and reluctance in going deeper disinterests me. But the ones that put an effort out in connecting with me, I'll put effort out.

Meeting them in person is a whole different ball field (or whatever the analogy is). I've learned that playing the 20 questions game helps a lot. It's essentially small talk, but it helps and small talk is essential in everyday life. There was a New Yorker piece how playing the 20 question game with someone can lead to a deeper relationship.

That's how my relationship started with my current SO. We played the 20 question game (I cheated by having notes in my phone so that I wouldn't run out of questions to ask). I really didn't think this was going to turn into anything because I didn't think this person liked me at all. My SO and I'll be celebrating one year together next week.

I still have no idea what I'm doing, but having my social anxiety hasn't deterred my SO at all. I suppose that cheesy saying where if you find the right one, then it doesn't matter comes into play.

One step at a time. Without any steps, you ain't going anywhere. So just take a step.

Smoking weed definitely doesn't make my social anxiety worst. If it were as simple as reading a few self-help books, I'd have done it already, but they are of no help to me. I know what needs to be done to make friends and relationships, either platonic or romantic, I just can't do them.

I like seriously mentally short circuit or something. I go blank and haven't found a way to combat against my low self esteem and distorted thoughts.
Being shy isn't exactly my probably. As for dying alone . . . maybe I wasn't clear. I know we all die alone, that doesn't bother me. I'm not afraid of dying alone. I'm afraid that I will die having never been with someone and never knowing what it was like to feel like I belonged anyway or was wanted. I'm afraid I'm going to live my whole life alone and then just die having never making any meaningful connections in my life.

like I mentioned to TishaBuv, I know we all die alone, that doesn't bother me. I'm not afraid of dying alone. I'm afraid that I will die having never been with someone and never knowing what it was like to feel like I belonged anywhere or was wanted. I'm afraid I'm going to live my whole life alone and then just die having never made any meaningful connections in my life.

As for smoking weed limiting my opinions, I don't care. I'm not looking for someone who isn't okay with my lifestyle anyway

If I didn't face the amount of uncertainty and anxiety that I did, I feel like I'd have a lot of causal sex. BUt I do have a crap ton of anxiety and I can barely keep eye contact with a person I find attractive without biting my tongue off or choking on my own spit.

My anxiety is extreme too. I push past my anxiety so that I can risk a reward

Maybe DBT can help you lighten up those negative thoughts that stifle you.

I’ve had experiences where I am attracted to someone and all the wrong things come out of my mouth to disconnect with that person, rather than my desired goal of getting closer. I hate when that’s happened!

That's a very common thing, especially from me. You just have to go for it

I write it off as that person was just not right for me and that’s why the wrong things came out of my mouth, and I’ve moved on to someone else where the right things come out. Besides, when the wrong things come out, it pushes that person away and they don’t like me. So be it.

I laugh at myself then tell her I'm nervous because she's so cute, apologize, and ask to try that again. Most girls like several things about that. One, I'm ok with making a mistake. Two, I'm ok with laughing at my mistakes. Three, I'm attracted to her to the point of fumbling my tongue. If I did it on purpose I'd be a frickin genius, but alas, I'm a goober that speaks my heart.

How adorably Hugh Grant of you!