How to End a Friendship

Hi, When we were five years old "Jenny" and I met. Her family had moved in next door to mine. We became close friends. Like sisters. I spent a lot of time with Jenny and her family, going on camping trips and other trips, both day trips and overnight. I loved Jenny dearly, although it was a strain on me sometimes because Jenny, while insightful, thoughtful, and kind-hearted, was also slightly intellectually challenged. I was a bright kid and it took patience and tolerance to slow myself down to Jenny's ability to cognize. She severely lacked self-confidence and, because of that, was quick to become defensive.

Jenny and I went through elementary school together, then started middle school. In 7th grade Jenny became "boy-crazy". She seemed to focus her attention on flirting with guys and sexualizing. In 7th grade I was still really naive (in addition to coping with the craziness and abuse that was happening in my home - I hid that from Jenny). So, while we remained friends there was a natural decline in our relationship. Furthermore, Jenny became somewhat antagonistic toward me. I suspect that she felt she had finally found a place to belong...being sexually provocative with boys and getting lots of attention for it.

During the summer after 8th grade and before high school (just before Jenny and I turned 15) her family moved to southern Texas, where her mother's family lived. I went into high school, had a great time and enjoyed those years. I lost touch with Jenny. I'd think about her, but I didn't exactly miss her.

Skip ahead 8 years. I was married and had a 1 year old daughter. One day I got a telephone call from Jenny. She had found my number by contacting my sister. Jenny was also married with a 1 year old little boy. Frankly, I was not over the moon to hear from her. Still, we had some things in common and she seemed to have become more like she was as a child - sweet and soft-spoken. We talked on the phone about once a week. About a year later I took my daughter and went to visit Jenny and her family. She lived a very simple life way out in the country. I was happy to see Jenny and especially happy to see her mom.

So on and so forth. Jenny and I stayed in touch by telephone, off and on. I flew out to see her one more time; she came to see me once. We both ended up having 2 children. I stayed married, she got divorced. Then we were out of touch for a while - until Jenny joined Facebook. Suddenly, we were communicating on Facebook every day. She began calling me fairly often. I seldom answered her calls, but occasionally did, or I'd sometimes return her call. I noticed that every time we talked, Jenny was unloading on me about how unhappy she was, didn't know how to improve her life, had an abusive boyfriend, someone in her family had died and she was grief-stricken, etc. To me, it sounded like she needed to see a therapist. I told her that, but she made excuses.


Then Jenny moved into her mom's house to take care of her mom (and to have a free place to live). Jenny quit her job and that was it. She seemed to just sit on her phone on Facebook day and night. I mean, almost constantly. Her kids are, of course, grown and are doing well. She has grandchildren. But Jenny appears not to be doing anything with her life except just staring at her phone. She calls me and leaves messages, oftentimes crying and apologizing for crying. She needs professional help, but won't get it, nor will she do any even minimal self-work...read a self-help book, for example. Find a hobby.


On July 4th Jenny took extreme offense at a Facebook comment I made on a picture she posted. I had intended my comment to be thoughtful commentary. Jenny completely misunderstood what I was trying to communicate and went ballistic. My thought was, "I am done with this friendship." Way too many years (50!) of forcing myself to simplify my communication so Jenny can comprehend what I mean...way too many years of giving Jenny caring support, of never telling her about my true life, and of watching her just drift.

I unfollowed her on Facebook and cut my time there way back. After a couple of days I checked out how I felt and realized that I felt a tremendous sense of relief. I feel like I have lost a burden, not a friend. Jenny, however, won't leave me alone. Calling me (angry), messaging me (angry), commenting on the few things I post on Facebook (nice comments). I have not responded to her at all, except to tell her that I am "not ready" to discuss things with her at this time. The whole situation is causing me stress that I don't want or need. It might (??) be okay if we have a phone chat around the winter holidays...or maybe I call and wish her a happy birthday in late November.

I hope I'm making sense regarding how I feel about my friendship with Jenny. In all honesty, she and I in extremely different places in life and I don't have any need to maintain the friendship...maybe, maybe that once-a-year check in. Although, I don't think she'll stick to that. She wants enmeshment and drama to fill her emptiness.

Any suggestions? What can I say, do, communicate, not communicate...without being cruel, make it clear to Jenny that I don't need her in my life, at least not on a regular basis? I absolutely have to find a way to peel her off of me.

It sounds really difficult to deal with Jenny. To what extent does she know about your feelings?

Thanks for your reply, Bill. In essence, I've explained to "Jenny" that I feel our lives are in very different places and that to continue our friendship feels is toxic to me. Based upon that, I need to stop communication for a while. Her response has been to PM me and call me, accusing me of "abusing" her and demanding to know why I'm "mad at her."

Wow !

You have much more kindness than I if I were in your situation.

Maybe just cut her loose for good ? Block her on everything and do not answer her calls. Block her on Facebook so she can’t see you on line at all.

Hope you can find a way to work this out

Wow, thanks Christina. I hadn't even thought about the friendship that way. I've just seen it as my role to be there for Jenny. Never even occurred to me that I was allowing her to overstep my healthy boundaries. (But then...that's what I'm therapy for...to stop allowing people to use my strength and compassion, then disappear on me when I'm in need.)

Your post has really opened my eyes.

So much for being willing to keep it to birthdays and Christmas. *sigh*

Stating that you are in very different places is not abusive.

I feel for you, had an old friend from the past attempt to reconnect after 15 years. I was polite, but refused to add her to my fb list. She considered that bullying. She's not in a good place and may never be. I ceased communication because I found her overbearing to begin with.

Given her response to your explanation, I think it is quite reasonably time to block her.

If you wanted to, you could tell her that you will contact her at Christmas, but until then you are not available to her.

Excellent advice, people. I am very grateful to each of you. This whole messy situation is causing me incredible stress and I have been seriously stuck on what to do. Telling her that I will contact her at the holidays is a GREAT idea....if I even want to then.


btw, h4me - I love your "edit" reason.

Wow! I am sorry that you are struggling right now! It sound like for quite some time she has over step some major boundaries. You could try blocking her phone number or changing the number but let everyone know your intentions and why. Have you tried having a serious talk and have someone else who can explain to her in a way that she can understand what she can no longer do until she seek some kind of therapy. Perhaps she is just really lonely and don't realize what she is doing?

I completely agree with you bill. It is a really difficult to deal with.

Have you ask her when was the last time she was tested for a mental illness? Or ask her what she meant by abusing her?

I agree with you! That is great advice!

Have you thought about seeking legal advice? Based on harrassment and stalking?

This is exactly what my sister friend does to us.

I completely agree with you! That was totally uncalled for! The way her friend reacted to her because she put up some boundaries.

I completely agree with you Bill! I think that is great advice!

It a good idea!

Hi Buffy01, Thanks for your input. Jenny is an extraordinarily lonely woman. My frustration with her is that she does not do a single thing to help herself or to improve her life. She lives with and cares for her elderly mother, which I admire. But then Jenny never has any money to do anything special for herself. I have strongly suggested to her (even given her links) that she apply as her mother's caregiver so she can be paid by the state in which she lives. She wasn't motivated to do that. I believe that Jenny is very depressed, which is so sad.

No, I would definitely not take legal action against Jenny. There's no basis for that, and it would be cruel and excessive. I care about her - perhaps more than she cares about herself - and that is the problem. I do care about her, but she wants me to be there for her whenever she needs me. Her neediness is smothering and the drama she creates to cause excitement in her life is exceedingly annoying.

I think you’ve been very fair towards “Jenny”. You haven’t “abused” her .. Not all “friendships” last a lifetime, as everyone knows ...