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Question Jul 11, 2018 at 02:46 AM
  #1
I've been trying to find out somewhere to write this and I think here is the best fit (probably shouldn't have taken me this long to figure that out but it did). I would like to apologize if this topic has been over discussed or there's another thread about it I haven't seen on here.

Alright, so I was checking out another site (it was exclusively for those who suffer with PTSD or support someone suffers with it) and I stumbled upon something that hit close to home. This thread was discussing supporters who couldn't support their significant other anymore and had left them. Being a sufferer who's very recently endured a breakup like this, I felt a mix of emotions. One of these emotions was just plain anger, another one was despair; more than anything I felt at a loss. Supporters talking said they didn't like it when the sufferer would pretend to be okay for them, but then again they were overwhelmed by the sufferer's honesty. A full blown catch 22. It was like if someone told me, "Hey, you can try or you can't, either way you're too broken to handle and you're unable to receive unconditional love because you have PTSD."

So, here's what I want to discuss: Obviously this isn't the PTSD forum and this discussion isn't exclusively for individuals with PTSD. Anyone who has a mental illness has likely felt like a burden to a significant other, family member and/or a friend. There are things you sometimes (or all of the time) can't do and need help with. There are times when illness takes over, becomes too much and it indirectly affects someone you love. **** happens with every relationship but more seems to happen when mental illness is involved (at least in my experience).

I want to open a discussion for what drives supporters to leave, is there anyway to prevent it, and what is the sufferer supposed to do once that support leaves. I have been left by family members, former friends and (as mentioned above) recently my ex-fiance. Every time it happens, they take a piece of me with them and they never explain it past, "Things just became too hard." Never any specifics as to what I may have done or didn't do. No feed back, no real explanation, just nothing.

I need this discussion for me but I know I can't be the only one, so here it is.

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Default Jul 11, 2018 at 03:24 AM
  #2
"Things just became too hard." Exactly this. For me, it becomes a problem of who is in the relationship - Winnicott's false self or the true self? There isnt room for both. And when there is "stuff going on" and its a jumble of both or neither, nobody wants to be around me. Nor do i have any tolerance for people going thru stuff. Its not good. Good thread, though.
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Default Jul 11, 2018 at 09:02 AM
  #3
The first fallacy is the concept that romantic love is unconditional love, IMHO. “Things just got too hard” is an honest reason for a partner to leave someone with or without MI. I look at relationships as to be cherished while they are active, and if they become toxic, too hard, etc, they do end. Then we find new partner and start over, hoping this time we don’t make mistakes and they don’t end. At least you got the partner in the first place. Some folks don’t even connect with anyone at all.

IDK what I hope to get out of posting this to you. I think my intentions are to share with you my outlook in hopes it will make you feel better. I’m a little gun shy now that I got in trouble for posting on another thread. Please disregard if this upsets you.

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Default Jul 11, 2018 at 01:55 PM
  #4
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
The first fallacy is the concept that romantic love is unconditional love, IMHO. “Things just got too hard” is an honest reason for a partner to leave someone with or without MI. I look at relationships as to be cherished while they are active, and if they become toxic, too hard, etc, they do end. Then we find new partner and start over, hoping this time we don’t make mistakes and they don’t end. At least you got the partner in the first place. Some folks don’t even connect with anyone at all.

IDK what I hope to get out of posting this to you. I think my intentions are to share with you my outlook in hopes it will make you feel better. I’m a little gun shy now that I got in trouble for posting on another thread. Please disregard if this upsets you.
I'd rather a person's honesty over trying to protect my feelings. I think that's what upset me with my ex, is the fact that he just couldn't come out and tell me throughout our relationship that things were becoming hard on him. He didn't tell me and so I couldn't work on it with him. He gave up a long time before we broke up, I'm talking at least a year. Every time I tried to discuss it with him (because I knew something was wrong and had changed), he'd always lie about it and tell me it was nothing. More and more I felt like a burden when we were together, and more and more he didn't give a ****. Ha, and he says he loves me, which I'm not saying isn't true but I think he only does so when it's convenient. At the very least, when he's ready, he could tell me what the **** I did that made it so hard on him. It is a valid reason to leave, but no one seems to give me any more than that once they take off (if I even get that). I genuinely feel as though loving me is the worst chore a person could be burdened with.

And ultimately it comes down to the fact that I don't need a ****ing caretaker. I never did. I never will. It's insulting that that's how he began to see it. Just because my brain's screwed up, doesn't mean I'm not an adult. I was trying to get better and in some ways I actually was, but he gave up on me. Everyone gives up on me.

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Default Jul 11, 2018 at 02:25 PM
  #5
I’m sorry he didn’t communicate with you, giving you the chance to improve the relationship before he just checked out. That sucks.

Do some people avoid conflict at all costs and then just take off? That’s so cowardly.

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Default Jul 11, 2018 at 02:35 PM
  #6
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I’m sorry he didn’t communicate with you, giving you the chance to improve the relationship before he just checked out. That sucks.

Do some people avoid conflict at all costs and then just take off? That’s so cowardly.
Seems that way, huh? I don't know, I'm still pretty raw from the whole thing so I'm probably biased in agreeing with you there. But, yeah, he's a coward. I'm just hating this trend in my life, this trend where I seem to love people more than they love me. I wish I could stop caring, be heartless and hurt someone before they inevitably do it to me, but I can't. I'm not a saint, but I'm tired of striving to be.

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Default Jul 11, 2018 at 02:47 PM
  #7
If you were with someone and happy, you wouldn’t hurt them to do it first. If it has been a pattern for you, you can delve deep into why this is ongoing for you.

Personally, I have had a mixed experience of being the dumper or dumpee. Mostly, the dumper. I’ve hated being the one to have a change of heart, get repulsed, turned off, and break up. I also hated getting broken up with.

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Default Jul 11, 2018 at 03:29 PM
  #8
Ugh, this topic hits home for me so hard. I probably shouldn't have read it based on the title, but since I have, I have a response.

I'm constantly left for my mental illness. I can see it draining the people I'm closest to, even the ones who claim they can't be drained. They change. They get more distant and cold until they either disappear or outright tell me to go away. I try SO HARD not to overwhelm people, but I have such a hard time controlling myself when I become emotional. It always seems like when I feel I've made good progress with someone, that's when they've had enough, which makes it harder to try again with someone else.

I have a similar problem with communication as you've had. People are afraid to tell me when they need space or need to tell me something that might be negative. I think they feel like I would overreact. In the moment I would probably not take it well, true, but I also understand what I do to people and so I want to respect their limits.

People give up on me so often now that I feel like not bothering. Yet, at the same time, all I want is to have people close to me. I'm tired of hurting people with this stupid disorder and thus hurting myself. Maybe I don't deserve anyone though, and if no one believes in trying when it gets too hard then I guess I'll truly be alone forever, doomed to rinse and repeat what I've been doing. Nothing will change if I can't find people willing to see through my bad sides.

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Default Jul 11, 2018 at 04:38 PM
  #9
(((ShadowGX))) I'm sorry my friend.

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Default Jul 12, 2018 at 03:32 AM
  #10
I can relate a lot. I know I wasn’t the easiest person to be with but I didn’t deserve the dishonesty and lies and fakery. The make believe that everything is fine when meanwhile they are just slowly moving away. I should have saw the signs but I was too blinded by love. I was too old fashioned in thinking that the vows really meant something. I was so blind to it all. No communication. Just excommunicated from my own marriage.
Don’t think I could ever trust anyone again. People act like your such a burden and they are no problem to you at all. What a bunch of self righteous bull****.
Best learn how to fend for yourself. When you get abandoned by everyone you thought loved you at least you’ll be able to carry on and maybe get lucky in the future. If not I’ll know how to live with myself, and like it.

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Default Jul 12, 2018 at 06:38 PM
  #11
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Originally Posted by Só leigheas View Post
I've been trying to find out somewhere to write this and I think here is the best fit (probably shouldn't have taken me this long to figure that out but it did). I would like to apologize if this topic has been over discussed or there's another thread about it I haven't seen on here.

Alright, so I was checking out another site (it was exclusively for those who suffer with PTSD or support someone suffers with it) and I stumbled upon something that hit close to home. This thread was discussing supporters who couldn't support their significant other anymore and had left them. Being a sufferer who's very recently endured a breakup like this, I felt a mix of emotions. One of these emotions was just plain anger, another one was despair; more than anything I felt at a loss. Supporters talking said they didn't like it when the sufferer would pretend to be okay for them, but then again they were overwhelmed by the sufferer's honesty. A full blown catch 22. It was like if someone told me, "Hey, you can try or you can't, either way you're too broken to handle and you're unable to receive unconditional love because you have PTSD."

So, here's what I want to discuss: Obviously this isn't the PTSD forum and this discussion isn't exclusively for individuals with PTSD. Anyone who has a mental illness has likely felt like a burden to a significant other, family member and/or a friend. There are things you sometimes (or all of the time) can't do and need help with. There are times when illness takes over, becomes too much and it indirectly affects someone you love. **** happens with every relationship but more seems to happen when mental illness is involved (at least in my experience).

I want to open a discussion for what drives supporters to leave, is there anyway to prevent it, and what is the sufferer supposed to do once that support leaves. I have been left by family members, former friends and (as mentioned above) recently my ex-fiance. Every time it happens, they take a piece of me with them and they never explain it past, "Things just became too hard." Never any specifics as to what I may have done or didn't do. No feed back, no real explanation, just nothing.

I need this discussion for me but I know I can't be the only one, so here it is.
——in my city NAMI has family support groups I mean to check out. Hugs!
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