Letting go of pain or confronting it?

I've realised that I've been hurt in my relationship over and over but I've suppressed it. It's mostly been around his old relationship interfering with ours. Some of its been around my insecurities (seeing wedding photos of them still displayed in his family home, her keeping his last name etc) and some of its been around him grieving (saying he's 'done' with attachment, saying he wont 'fight' for me, saying marriage and 'wives' are horrible - and just bringing it up all the time). But either way I've suppressed this pain. Then there is uncertainty about our future dreams and whether we want the same things.

Now I'm miserable and depressed from suppressing everything. I've talked about these issues but he doesn't know how to validate, reassure or work it out with me so these issues and my feelings go unresolved.

I feel like I'm in a constant state of anger and resentment. Sometimes I even forget why I'm angry... and then I feel guilty for being angry. It's almost like if I stop being angry then I'll let my guard down and I'll wind up getting hurt when the next thing comes at me.

BUT its not all the time now. Nothing has been said in the last few weeks.

I'm wondering if I should let everything go and just try to start fresh with a clean slate. Maybe now that we're a year into our relationship things might change? But then.. I still feel anger about what was said months and months ago.

It’s such a relationship mistake to bring your bitterness from your break up into your next relationship. It’s not fair to you at all. Maybe he wasn’t ready for you and still grieving and bitter when you met.

I would wait to see if he says something upsetting, then I’d tell him how much all that has hurt you...especially the ‘he won’t fight for you’ comment.

As for her keeping his name, I think you should try to let anger about that one go. People have asked me if I’m keeping my husband’s last name after our divorce, after 25 years and 3 kids. Of course I am. I wouldn’t dream of going back to my maiden name.

I guess it sounds like it comes back to whether you share the same goals for the future.
Why settle for less than you hoped for? I know it's easier said than done, believe me...i know. I stay too long and don't cut my losses readily nor easily.
Sometimes it's hard for guys(note to readers:not looking for gender debate it's relevant in this scenario) who have had even 1 major heartbreak to envision that another woman in another time under different circumstances could be worth releasing themselves of the burden of that albatross. Sounds like you've found one of these, yourself?
Is it worth waiting around to find out if he finds you as remarkable as you are?

All of this would be okay if I felt like we were, after everything, "the one" for each other.. But our love I feel has jolted. Its going backwards.. it isn't growing stronger like it should. Sexual intimacy is lessening and feeling more awkward. He joked to his friend the other day that we were passed the dating phase and were now in the 'just tolerating each other' phase. I know I'm part of this relationship as well so it's my fault as well.

A year is a long time... I think you might want to reconsider this relationship.

Thanks everyone. This isn't the first time I've reached out for support. This is really hard and is tearing me up inside.

If you are in a relationship that is tearing you up inside then the relationship is not healthy for you and you are denying yourself of your right to actually have a "healthy" relationship.

You can't FIX his resentments he holds onto from his failed relationship. You are not actually in a relationship either, all you are doing is taking up space for a man that needs to work on his OWN issues that he still has from his failed relationship and probably other things that he struggled with in his past as well.

He’s so bitter even to have said, “just tolerating each other phase”. Yikes! Maybe suggesting you take a break from him until he can work out his anger over the break up is best.

In reading through, two things made me think "ouch and wow". The comment about not fighting for you, then the comment about just tolerating each other.

This is not going in a healthy/good/promising direction. I cannot say that there is hope for this relationship. To hold on hoping it will improve is a big mistake.

Honestly? If a man said those two things either to my face or about me to someone else, I would be out the door, no looking back and no questioning.

He says all the time that he loves me and he's said yes to wanting me in his future. I think I will wait and see what else (if anything) is said. I told him today about something that was bothering me and when it resolved it wad a relief.
I do feel like I was a stepping stone following his divorce in the beginning. I moved towns for him and worked while he studied and started a new career pathway. He hasn't said anything in the last few months or so and he seems happier. It often pops up when he's around family and friends.
I was distant and angry today.. He asked whether or not I would still love him if he went away for work. As always, when someone/something is vulnerable and needs help my caring/loving instinct is switched on so my angry mood melted away.
I know I have anxiety and depression so that makes working these things out difficult. I've been thinking of a career/job change too because my mental health isn't getting better. Medication doesn't help a lot.

ButI will give this another chance (I would feel bad if I left now when he's still looking for work) and maybe work on being happy within myself.
Any ideas? I'm struggling to socialise as im going further and further down.

How long is he going away for work?

As far as socializing, the usual suggestions come to mind-meetup, hobbies, volunteering..