Refusing Unwarranted Advice?

I couldn’t have asked for a better pair of parents that a guy could ask for. Throughout my life I have considered them some of my “best friends”, and they have repeatedly expressed their wiling to help me. They have undoubtedly supported me in recent times when I’ve been recovering from an abusive social life. They stay up late to listen to me cry and vent over the phone, even if it's the middle of the night on a weekday. As a pair of very service oriented doctors they have taught me to give back to the people who have helped me, and have reinforced this lifestyle through being with me through Boy Scouts, and demonstrating this in their work and their unwavering support through my college years.

Recently I have been quite disgruntled with them because they have been issuing unwarranted advice, which I feel I have no control over. You see, I had some pretty nasty medical trauma as a kid, as a result of early developmental delays, which I eventually outgrew with time (even have medical proof), but having this past trauma still screwed up my self esteem beyond repair. Over the past year, when my anxiety took a toll on my mental health due to struggles with school and a bad job experience, the instant my parents noticed my anxiety, they now repeatedly try to discuss my medical trauma with me, and even try to force me to share this information with future coworkers when I start a career. This isn’t quite what it looks like on the surface; when I have reevaluated their intentions behind this advice, I know they are trying to protect me, yet they seem to take away my voice for my needs, thus treating me like a child who doesn’t know what he wants. I feel nothing but contempt for my medical history, I don’t remember much about my early childhood, except my trauma has just been used as an excuse for people to mistreat me and make insensitive comments. I’m 23 years old and graduated college for crying out loud! It’s like I’m constantly being reminded of my mistakes!

I have a basis now to enforce boundaries, thanks to professional counseling, and have decided on my own what kind of help and advice best suits my emotional well-being. Even though I love my parents and know they will support me like I have before, I’m terrified that their ego just won’t take my assertiveness, even though I have not spoken up about this issue yet.

How can I tell my parents that this advice is uncalled for? How can I share with them that I want to be helped differently?

No questions about my medical history, please, I only want advice for the bold question posed above.

I wonder if you could write them a letter?

I could, that's what friends have done in the past when dealing with similar situations. Writing often seems safer than talking, which can go so many different directions.

I'm sorry that you are struggling so much right now. Perhaps explain that you now have a therapist that you feel that can better help you. Perhaps you could say that I will keep your advice in mind thank you for the advice.

That is great advice!

Letter is a fantastic idea and one I would probably do myself since I have trouble vocalizing my thoughts, especially when I might get emotional.

Some people prefer to talk, so if that's you then I would definitely just ask them if you can have a serious discussion with them and then let it out. Whenever I'm going to have a serious talk with someone I make notes about the talking points beforehand. It helps me to stay on target and make sure I've gotten everything said that I need to say.

Remember that they are the parents, it is not your job to protect their egos.

What might they do if their egos are unable to deal with your assertiveness?

In general, how do they react when dissatisfied with what you are doing? You might want to research codependency and see whether it applies to your situation.

I would not use the term uncalled for. My advice is focus on what you want them to do going forward, not on what they are doing wrong.

One thing to consider about a letter is that they can keep it and use it bring up your exact words months, years later. They can easily refresh whatever wounds their egos might feel. Even after the letter there will be a need for some sort of discussion. For these reasons I think there are some advantages to using bullet points to guide a conversation, as ShadowGX mentioned.

^^^in terms of not saying uncalled for..

Try "when I hear *xyz*, I feel *xyz*, * insert alternative* would be better for me going forward.

Well after reading your post, I have to say that it's likely not going to be easy but it is possible. over time a culture of needing their advice has made it so that they are conditioned to expect that this is what the relationship dynamic is. As parents they are merely trying to continue to support you but have not been given the feedback that now that you're older, and things have changed that their role needs to change.

I am guessing sometimes what you need more than anything is a listening ear rather than advice and solutions?

I would in times when it's calm, and not in the midst of a crisis or hardship of some kind, have a talk with them outside the context of anything related to your issues. what I mean is, take them aside and explain. the critical thing here is that you do it at a point when there is no stress or crisis involved or you're apt to be too emotionally charged to get your point across rationally.

Sounds like since you seem to have a generally good relationship with them that their is a high chance they will understand what you are trying to say, given that you do it at at time when you see eye to eye the best.

I hope this helps.

I think we got something goin now with a letter It seems we all run into trouble getting words out smoothly under stress, its just part of life.

Thank you for this message. In the case if their egos can't handle my boundaries, then its best to just look elsewhere to build up my support. Thankfully they have listened to me before so theyre not being too self-important, but when I've tried to be assertive in the past its just turned aggressive or carried out at a bad time. Hoping at the right place and time they can handle what I want to bring to them.

Just took a few quizzes over codependency, the results states I'm not completely codependent but I have characteristics that I can relate to codependents, most notably my lack of emotional boundaries. Just have to be patient and keep enforcing them. Thanks for the advice!

This is solid. As I have mentioned earlier in another reply I have been quite unsuccessful with enforcing these bounds because of my poor timing. After a lifetime of given advice just a listening ear and advice only when I ask for it is all I need. It will be very hard but worth it to have my parents cater to my current needs rather than base them off of my needs when lets say I was 4? Thanks!