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Member Since Jul 2017
Location: Coahulia y Tejas
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#1
I couldn’t have asked for a better pair of parents that a guy could ask for. Throughout my life I have considered them some of my “best friends”, and they have repeatedly expressed their wiling to help me. They have undoubtedly supported me in recent times when I’ve been recovering from an abusive social life. They stay up late to listen to me cry and vent over the phone, even if it's the middle of the night on a weekday. As a pair of very service oriented doctors they have taught me to give back to the people who have helped me, and have reinforced this lifestyle through being with me through Boy Scouts, and demonstrating this in their work and their unwavering support through my college years.
Recently I have been quite disgruntled with them because they have been issuing unwarranted advice, which I feel I have no control over. You see, I had some pretty nasty medical trauma as a kid, as a result of early developmental delays, which I eventually outgrew with time (even have medical proof), but having this past trauma still screwed up my self esteem beyond repair. Over the past year, when my anxiety took a toll on my mental health due to struggles with school and a bad job experience, the instant my parents noticed my anxiety, they now repeatedly try to discuss my medical trauma with me, and even try to force me to share this information with future coworkers when I start a career. This isn’t quite what it looks like on the surface; when I have reevaluated their intentions behind this advice, I know they are trying to protect me, yet they seem to take away my voice for my needs, thus treating me like a child who doesn’t know what he wants. I feel nothing but contempt for my medical history, I don’t remember much about my early childhood, except my trauma has just been used as an excuse for people to mistreat me and make insensitive comments. I’m 23 years old and graduated college for crying out loud! It’s like I’m constantly being reminded of my mistakes! I have a basis now to enforce boundaries, thanks to professional counseling, and have decided on my own what kind of help and advice best suits my emotional well-being. Even though I love my parents and know they will support me like I have before, I’m terrified that their ego just won’t take my assertiveness, even though I have not spoken up about this issue yet. How can I tell my parents that this advice is uncalled for? How can I share with them that I want to be helped differently? No questions about my medical history, please, I only want advice for the bold question posed above. __________________ DX'd Moderate GAD and depression in April 2021. But it is only a part of me, not defining me. "If you can dream it you can do it!" ~ Walt Disney |
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Anonymous50384, Buffy01, MickeyCheeky
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Buffy01
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#2
I wonder if you could write them a letter?
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Buffy01
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Buffy01, DazedandConfused254
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Member Since Jul 2017
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#3
__________________ DX'd Moderate GAD and depression in April 2021. But it is only a part of me, not defining me. "If you can dream it you can do it!" ~ Walt Disney |
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Anonymous50384, Buffy01
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Buffy01
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Wise Elder
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#4
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DazedandConfused254
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Wise Elder
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#5
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DazedandConfused254
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Poohbah
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#6
Letter is a fantastic idea and one I would probably do myself since I have trouble vocalizing my thoughts, especially when I might get emotional.
Some people prefer to talk, so if that's you then I would definitely just ask them if you can have a serious discussion with them and then let it out. Whenever I'm going to have a serious talk with someone I make notes about the talking points beforehand. It helps me to stay on target and make sure I've gotten everything said that I need to say. __________________ |
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Bill3, DazedandConfused254
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#7
Quote:
What might they do if their egos are unable to deal with your assertiveness? In general, how do they react when dissatisfied with what you are doing? You might want to research codependency and see whether it applies to your situation. Quote:
One thing to consider about a letter is that they can keep it and use it bring up your exact words months, years later. They can easily refresh whatever wounds their egos might feel. Even after the letter there will be a need for some sort of discussion. For these reasons I think there are some advantages to using bullet points to guide a conversation, as ShadowGX mentioned. |
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DazedandConfused254
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Perpetually Pondering
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#8
^^^in terms of not saying uncalled for..
Try "when I hear *xyz*, I feel *xyz*, * insert alternative* would be better for me going forward. |
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Bill3, DazedandConfused254
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Magnate
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#9
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I am guessing sometimes what you need more than anything is a listening ear rather than advice and solutions? I would in times when it's calm, and not in the midst of a crisis or hardship of some kind, have a talk with them outside the context of anything related to your issues. what I mean is, take them aside and explain. the critical thing here is that you do it at a point when there is no stress or crisis involved or you're apt to be too emotionally charged to get your point across rationally. Sounds like since you seem to have a generally good relationship with them that their is a high chance they will understand what you are trying to say, given that you do it at at time when you see eye to eye the best. I hope this helps. |
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DazedandConfused254
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#10
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__________________ DX'd Moderate GAD and depression in April 2021. But it is only a part of me, not defining me. "If you can dream it you can do it!" ~ Walt Disney |
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Member
Member Since Jul 2017
Location: Coahulia y Tejas
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#11
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Just took a few quizzes over codependency, the results states I'm not completely codependent but I have characteristics that I can relate to codependents, most notably my lack of emotional boundaries. Just have to be patient and keep enforcing them. Thanks for the advice! __________________ DX'd Moderate GAD and depression in April 2021. But it is only a part of me, not defining me. "If you can dream it you can do it!" ~ Walt Disney |
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Bill3
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#12
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__________________ DX'd Moderate GAD and depression in April 2021. But it is only a part of me, not defining me. "If you can dream it you can do it!" ~ Walt Disney |
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