Trust Your Gut

And don't let desperation drive you into choosing someone who is wrong for you.

^ Two rules to live by when out in the dating world. My recent experience is proof of that. Story time below, it's an interesting one (I think so anyways).

I've been on most of the popular dating sites and some not so popular ones as well. On the newest one I found I ended up talking to a few guys and nothing really came of it. One of them lives in my same city. He seemed nice. We had very different beliefs so it was interesting getting to know more about those things I didn't know much about. About a week we talked, I wasn't feeling anything for him and was just sort of enjoying the conversation. He ended up saying he was "spellbound" and would love to take me out "for coffee or something". There were a few small red flags that told me he would not be a good match for me prior to this, but this "spellbound" thing really stood out as off. I definitely wasn't saying anything particularly interesting, we even had very different beliefs regarding sex (he views it as "as natural as breathing", while I need to be in love with someone to even consider it) and while our hobbies were similar he seemed very uninterested in sharing the hobbies together, which is very important for me to feel bonded with someone. He also has a son and the baby mama lives with him and I told him I would not be ok with that, especially since according to him she has BPD like I do - I knew I would not get along with her. Still, he comes with this "spellbound" crap. Shortly after telling him it made me uncomfortable and him still sticking to it, I decided to just ghost him because at that point it felt like he was just trying to convince me to sleep with him. The last message was maybe a month or so ago, him saying "you must be busy" or something of the like since I hadn't responded to the last one he sent.

A couple days ago I got a notification for a message in my inbox from someone new. You'll never guess who it was from. Go ahead. Guess.
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Ok, I'll tell you. It was baby mama. That's right. That guy's baby mama made an account just so she could find me, she even admitted such in her message. She told me that she had been trying to find me to warn me and others that this guy was not at all what he says he is, that he's a narcissist, and lies just to get girls to sleep with him - supposedly this is what he did to her. Furthermore, everything he had told me about her was untrue, including the BPD claim and that she verbally abuses him. She was "doing an investigation" into him apparently when she found out about me and some others.

Well, whether or not what she says is true (I'm not entirely sure I buy it), either way I feel I dodged a pretty nasty bullet. If she is telling the truth, the reason I'm glad I dodged him is obvious. If she is lying, I'm glad I dodged because it means I don't get mixed up in something very complicated and dramatic. I was tempted to meet him for coffee just for the experience of meeting someone IRL and maybe having him be a friend - something I have not done in so long I can't even remember the last time. However, my gut told me it was a bad idea to go meet him, that he was either lying to himself about our compatibility because he was desperate or he had malicious intent, so I declined to go and said I needed to get to know him better first. I'm so glad I listened to my gut instead of brushing it aside as "social anxiety things that will just hold me back".

Sound advice and sounds like you dodged a bullet.

Wow good for you! Sounds to me like a real messy situation was avoided.

I made a rule early on in life: Always believe the woman he was with before he was with me. Sometimes, in fact, she can become a very dear friend.

Indeed, she could very much be telling the truth here, my only doubt comes from the fact that they share a kid and it's possible she's trying to get him back or make him miserable. Either way I wasn't interested in him, I just found this even more comforting to know I made the right choice without a shadow of a doubt. It also makes me feel better about trusting my gut in general because in the past I have doubted it.

It definitely sounds like you guys were incompatible and something was off. Whether it was him wanting to sleep with you, or just an incompatibility, I don't know. Interesting and amusing (makes a good story lol) that his baby mama contacted you. I think you dodged a bullet too.