Toxic Friendship?

Hello. I'm new to the forum. I don't usually post on forums, I'm quite a shy person and have struggled with anxiety issues for most of my life.

I have been a friend with someone who differs in wildly in personality from me. We have been friends for over ten years.

For a while now I have been dreading receiving any contact from this person. I believe she is a narcissist or at the least an emotional vampire. Everything that is done and said has to come back to her. She is the type who would go to a funeral and try to make herself the focus of attention, which she has done. Friends have to visit her but she's too ill and full of grief about her life (starting from birth) that she'll rarely visit her friends. She constantly complains and nothing is right for her. She will go out of her way to complain to companies and on social media. She dramatises everything and blows it out of proportion. She also makes people feel guilty if they haven't contacted her or done something to boost her ego in some way. Her oldest friend is also very shy and does whatever she says. This friend is a nervous wreck and has little to no self esteem. I've noticed that the people who surround her are all like this, including me and its set off warning bells.

I feel as though she emotionally manipulating the people around her , using guilt as some form of control. I've noticed she does this a lot and yet it can be subtle - a sentence popped into a long wall of text of unrelated subjects. There is so much more I could write about her treatment of people and her bizarre and mean spirited messages about other people. I'm fairly certain that she spits vitriolic comments about me to other parties too. She is a very negative person and yet claims she is the most reasonable person she knows and that she is 'too caring'.

Anyway, I've decided to end the friendship but I wanted to know if it's normal to have doubts about ending a relationship even though behind the facade you know it's toxic and hurting you? I feel like her therapist sometimes but recently I'm starting to feel more like a punching bag.

Also I know the fallout is going to be horrendous. Many people have left her before and I'm prepared for her to try and initiate contact again. I just feel that my life would pick up without her. I might even get some self confidence back.

We've had good times but mostly they've been times to suit her and what's going on in her life. There is so much turbulence and bitterness in her which has been there from the start but I've only just woken up to. I have memories of times when she's made me feel unjustifiably bad about myself that keep popping into my head.

I'd love to know if anyone else has gone through a similar pattern and if leaving the relationship was the best decision for you? I guess what I'm looking for is for someone to tell me I'm making the right decision

I wanted to send her a message about it this morning but I know confrontation never goes well with this person. I've seen it with others in her life...she will spam hurtful messages. I think ghosting is the only option and yet I feel guilty about it. Any insight would be really appreciated. Thanks.

Sorry for the long post.

I just ended a toxic life long friendship after she made my divorce all about her and attacked me in a one-sided text fight where she told me horrid things about myself that aren’t true.

I didn’t engage with her because she is a person who always has to get the last word.

I think you summarized the whole toxic situation perfectly and know you need to rid yourself of her. I’d suggest simply being too busy to ever talk to her or see her again. When she gets angry about your distance, which she will, let her have her one-sided text rant, then tell her she’s too toxic and block her on everything.

Thank you so much for your reply. Your friend sounds very much like mine. I've decided to completely block her as she too will want to have the last word and she'll hit me with the whole guilt manipulation tactic. I've seen her do it to other people. I'm not going to consider it losing a friend as no friend should manipulate you into feeling bad about yourself.

Thank you again. I'm glad that you've gotten out of that type of relationship too

I once had this type of friend. I cut my realtionship with her and yes, it was one of the best decision I've ever made. She became a criminal and she would drag me (and other friends) if we didn't ditch her.

I suggest you to do the same. Don't be afraid of confrontation because you can't leave her if you don't confront her. Show her that you can't be manipulated. You can just block her contacts or avoid her. If she send you hurtful messages, counter back with proofs and criticizes. Narcissist can't handle them. Eventually, she will leave you after realizing that she can't use you anymore.

Thank you. It looks like this is the right decision to leave her to her own devices. I'm glad you got out of that toxic friendship.
She will only be able to contact me by email or home phone and if she does it'll be a simple message for her to not contact me anymore but she'll keep at it, she does with everyone who leaves her because she LOVES confrontation. It's more drama in her life to complain to others about. She has blocked my confidence to grow in work and be more social, so I think it's only fair to block her back

Hi, I don't post much in forums either, because I'm also shy I enjoy reading though.

Thank you for your post! I made the decision a long time ago to cut all toxic relationships from my life. I agree with the helpful suggestions above. I didn't want confrontations or discussions, I simply couldn't "find" any time to schedule a meet-up, no time for a call. I ghosted in a way, but didn't feel guilty about it because the persons in question didn't really care about me, only about themselves.

Eventually I blocked them from social media if applicable, or on my phone and simply moved on in peace.

However you choose to do it, I admire your decision to block toxicity from your life. I wish you the very best! (((HUGS)))

Thank you so much. It's such a relief to read other's experience with this. I too dislike confrontation especially knowing that the person you're confronting won't change or let it go and nor would I expect them to change but they should realise that about me too. I like the quiet life and I'm not ashamed to admit it

Their need for drama is so far from my own that there is nothing in common personality-wise and that will never be resolved because we each are what we are. Sometimes it takes a while to recognise it or maybe you stew for a good time wondering what to do, but all the responses here are ringing so true to me and hopefully for others reading. If you know deep down that it isn't working then it isn't working. I see that now and I'm glad for it.

I'm so pleased you banished the negative people from your life too

It's early for me and I know there'll be some fallout but I'm prepared for it. It probably won't be as bad as I think (it usually isn't) but I'll be honest, just speaking here and seeing other's stories are making me more courageous to stick to my guns, so to speak. Thank you everyone

Ghosting was my initial gut reaction without reading replies. Life is too short for such negativity.

I also have had to end long standing relationships and have also had doubts - but once it is finally over, I find that I feel relieved and wish I had ended it sooner. I will stop spending time with someone and then listen to the doubt and decide to give it another chance a few months later. That just drags it out and makes it more confusing.

Yes, I had defriended/refriended her several times over the years, her contacting me again always, me letting go of the past, hoping this time she’s grown up. As we aged, she only got much worse.

Ghosting was my gut reaction, too. I admire those of you who actually confront others and firmly and definitively end toxic relationships. I guess I always felt that if you don't feed the monster, it'll eventually go look for food elsewhere.

That’s absolutely true! Don’t feed the monster, lol

I'm so glad I found this site. Every time I feel guilt creeping in, I come back to read and re-read everyone's replies and they let me know that it is the right decision.

I love that @SparkySmart, about not feeding the monster and they'll go look for food elsewhere. It's so true.

You know I've been desperate to find the courage to do this for a while and it's happening. I already feel like a huge weight is lifting off my shoulders.

Thank you all again and for anyone out there reading this and caught in their own toxic relationship, I hope it helps you too.

I love that about not feeding the monster. That’s a good line for me when I find myself about to get sucked into something wrong for me again.

The other day I observed a very toxic friendship in the making. Two women going through divorce and found a connection based on that. One definitely trying hard to get stronger and the other clearly bitter and working to hold the other down. I’ve sure had my share of these types of friendships and never want it again. Feels weird I was so vulnerable to that and I now would prefer to keep a distance from most people.