My fiance wants to cancel our imminent wedding because of a row.

I'm engaged to be married to the love of my life. We really love each other so much and are due to marry very soon.
I have issues with fear of abandonment which stem from my childhood. My father died and my mother didn't really want me, she called me her burden.
She frequently threatened to leave home and would go off for hours at a time. No wonder I struggle with fears of abandonment. Everyone I've ever cared for has gone one way or another.
2 yrs ago, my boyfriend cheated on me. We got over this, and he swears he'd never do it again. But I am sometimes suspicious if he's texting late in the evening. We had a row recently because I saw a provocative picture on his instagram page (while he was flicking through) of a woman he used to know, who had sent him inappropriate messages about her sexual needs. I asked why he had followed her after her messages and Said I didn't understand why he'd want to follow her after that....that's all. He flew off the handle and packed all of his things, telling me we're over. Saying I was jealous and that I don't trust him.
He has stormed out before after a trivial row, saying he's leaving. He knows what my mum used to do.
Since then, he has refused to see me and says he wants to end our relationship/cancel the wedding. All only a month away. He says I'm making him ill.
We were blissfully happy the day before. This all feels too knee jerk.
Was I wrong to say what I said? Is he overreacting? How do I stop him splitting up from me? How do I get over my jealousy and stop it ruining our relationship? Please help.

If he's ready to pack up and bolt, certainly it would seem to me beyond just annoyance over him still seeing provactive photos of a woman that has clearly crossed lines in messaging him in the past, considering he had already cheated before.
Sounds like he's making his issue about your issue, to be quite honest.

Maybe this incident, small in itself, was the “last straw”?

He's cheated on you in the past.

He has stormed out over trivial things in the past even though he is aware of your abandonment issues.

You are rightfully suspicious because of his past cheating behavior, so he cannot calmly discuss with you when you see something that makes you suspicious?

Either you are not being truthful with the nature of your arguments with him. And not being honest that you did more than ask him about the picture he saw on Instagram, or he is just abusive.

If you want him back, you need to be honest about your behavior and learn to control it. He also has to acknowledge that since he cheated in the past, and not that long ago, there will still be a lack of trust from you. You will also have to try harder to not act on your suspicions.

However, I am concerned that you say he has stormed out before, he cheated on you before, and he knows your abandonment issues, yet he treats you this way. Seems like he doesn't care too much about you, in my opinion, from what little information I have.

Good luck,
Seesaw

If I were in a relationship with someone and saw the person looking at a provocative picture. Plus I also seen that they were following this person on social media. No I would not bite my tongue. I do not have abandonment issues. It’s about respect for me and our relationship. The fact that he became so upset says that he thinks it’s ok to look at provocative pictures of other women. So you have some soul searching to do. Either your going to be ok with this type of behavior and live with it like a lot of women do. Or your going to tell him you will not accept this type of behavior.

We often find ourselves subconsciously drawn to people who will recreate what happened in childhood. I wonder if that is the case with you: this isn’t the first time that he has walked out on you.

Have you ever worked with a therapist on your abandonment issues?

I do agree that you should work on your abandonment issues in therapy. I really hate you experienced that. I have some stuff from my childhood it’s no fun.

Working on that topic can help you sort out the feelings you have, based upon the fact that you are blaming yourself and yourself alone for the "ruining" of this relationship.

You deserve better. He cheats, storms out, cancels wedding, looks at inappropriate stuff etc snd you still call him love of your life? Are you seeing s therapist to work on your self esteem issues and abandonement issues? I’d not marry this man

It can also be a people pleasing tendency, which ties to esteem. As in, if only I hadn't pointed that out, then he wouldn't have gotten upset. People pleasing forces a person to look the other way, stuffing great pain down inside with a deeper sadness growing, festering.

He very well could have been looking for any small infraction(real or perceived) to blow up and bolt out.

It may be that he is a jerk who overreacted. Or it may be that this was the straw that broke the camel’s back in terms of you questioning him.

The important thing is that, if he decides to reconcile, you should put aside that fear of abandonment (“how do I stop him splitting up from me?”) and figure out whether marrying him is a good idea. I would postpone the wedding and get into individual and/or couples therapy. You two have some really big problems to just gloss over and get married. Divorce is really, really difficult. It is much better to be as sure as you can that you’re in a solid, healthy relationship before tying the knot.

Hmmm..... I agree with Middlemarcher. It could be the straw the broke the camel's back. Thing is, he has cheated and blown up at you and has walked out several times. What's going on here? Is there more to the story given he has walked out before? Is it always about the cheating and your suspicions?

I would not feel comfortable myself marrying someone who has cheated on me, but you said you have tried to move past it. However, you both are not past it, and he is doing suspect things to boot.

Maybe some counseling will help. I wouldn't go begging him to marry you and get back together. Maybe sort things through for yourself first.... things can always be worked out, but it sounds like there are some issues here. Abandonment and trust issues. And then whether he is truly the right person to settle down with. I mean, if he keeps storming out and threatening to leave, pushing your buttons and triggering your abandonment issues, is he really the right one for you?

You can’t build a house on a shaky foundation. If he is already storming out and canceling the wedding, your relationship is shaky and he is doing you a favor by not getting married to you, which only heightens the drama and fall out.

Maybe what drew you to him was the bad qualities that you were used to from your past and you can learn healthier ways and gravitate to someone better for you.