Thrill Seeking and Need for Novelty - Please Don't Judge

I am 47 years old and I have issues. I mean, don't we all, right? But you would think that I would learn from my mistakes and I feel like I just don't.

I have a boyfriend who is TWENTY ONE years younger than me. He's Muslim and we're married according to Islam because it is the only way we are able to carry on what we here in the west would call a NORMAL relationship. Because of our hectic schedules we actually moved in together so that we could at least pass each other in the hall although we were sleeping in separate bedrooms until said Islam marriage four months later. I'll let you read between the lines on that one. We've discussed legal marriage. He overstayed his visa and legal marriage would make his life so much easier and I WANT to be able to do that for him.

This would be my third marriage. First marriage was to a guy 20 years older than me. Second was to a guy that I met and married while he was in prison. Sensing a trend here?

But you know, apparently a 26 year old DEVOUT Muslim boyfriend isn't off the wall enough. I work in a halfway house and we have a new guy that I am SUPER attracted to. I've been here for less than a year but long enough. There have been a number of guys that I would have to say have been attractive, but I NEVER contemplated doing the stupid things I have contemplated doing with this guy.

I would definitely be attracted to this guy on the street. We get along great. He is, in all likelihood, innocent of his crime. I'm sure you think they ALL say that but honestly, they don't. Plus the Innocence Project is working on his behalf and if you know anything about them, they don't take many cases. They pretty much take the cases that they know they can win based on DNA evidence.

The other day in talking I made the mistake of asking him what he is most looking forward to when he leaves. He tells me, "You already KNOW." Lol. I tried to divert the conversation by asking him BESIDES that but it eventually came back around to how he can't wait to be able to hold a woman blah blah blah. Me? I would LOVE to be the recipient of 20+ years of pent up sexual frustration lol. That is DEFINITELY part of the turn on, but honestly, we have a LOT in common. I genuinely like the guy. Before that convo I had told him that I would really like to be friends with him outside of here when he leaves (I'm actually not supposed to be fraternizing with clients even after they leave). I told him I'd just love to see the world through his eyes as he gets back into the world after 30 years. I suggested a 3D IMAX movie.

Like he was seriously hinting the other night. It's my fault. I LOVE talking to him. I stay near his door when we talk so that I can be picked up on the cameras and not accused of anything inappropriate, but like he told me to come in and shut the door the other day and saying no was the HARDEST THING EVER.

Dude has been locked up for THIRTY YEARS. I realize I'm like any port in a storm at this point. Plus a horrible cliche. But MY GOD what I would love to do to that man. He's got a huge legal team and one of his people (a woman) was telling him to be careful because there are going to be a lot of crazies coming after him and all I'm thinking is I'm the crazy she warned you about. She was talking about those that will want to save him. Those that will see that he is probably going to have a better life coming (if he gets exonerated the state will have to pay up). I don't see me as trying to save him OR after a payday but here I am sitting here trying to sort out what this dude has brought up in me emotionally. Why can't I ever just be happy where I am?

EVERY RELATIONSHIP I'VE HAD since I'm a teenager, I ended. I get bored usually.

As much as I would love to pounce on him I'm ASTONISHED that I didn't shut the door when he told me to. Thank you Adderall!

Maybe this wouldn't feel so overwhelming if my relationship with my boyfriend wasn't as unstable as it is. I'm not going into those details in an open forum, but if I love him, how did this other guy capture my attention SO EASILY? Oh yeah! Because he's new and exciting! WTF is wrong with me?!?

I feel like if I got the impression that I WASN'T any port in a storm, I'd probably be on that. Mind you, I'm not saying that he's giving off that vibe or anything. We have a GREAT time talking and vibing. I just know that realistically, he'd probably **** the Wicked Witch of the West if she was giving it up. That's just reality and as much as I want to do all manner of dirty unspeakable things to him, I'm fairly certain it would leave me feeling crummy emotionally. Oh, and technically because of the power dynamic, he can't consent, so I ask again, WTF is wrong with me?

If anyone else manifests this type of self-sabotaging behavior, I would LOVE to hear from you.

Internet is a big place. REALLY hoping none of my coworkers come around these parts but there's no way to get the answers I seek by being vague.

Fingers crossed that you're able to resist the impulse. It's your employment on the line.

I take it the young husband/not yet husband doesn't evoke such passion?

by the way getting married now days does not ensure someone is going to not be deported. there are many children, wives and husbands being separated as each other is getting deported if they have entered the states illegally or their visa's have expired. if you watch the nightly news reports you will see what I mean right now ICE and border patrols are trying to locate thousands of parents who have been separated from their children, there are many separated married people in deportation process where the wife or the husband has been or is being deported with out the other...

That's not entirely true. The way I wanted him was MADDENING. Let's just say that Islam has made its way into our bedroom in good ways and bad and I'm wondering if, in time, the good will outweigh the bad.

I don't fully follow, and that's ok.

Sexual tension and chemistry can certainly feel maddening. Hopefully in time you'll be able to harness that energy back to a dull roar.

I get restless and have had several relationships between my two long-term ones. The commonality? My mania and need for thrill seeking adventure. I am bipolar and one of the hallmarks of mania is to go through relationships from one to the other and being hyper sexually active. Looking back on it, I walked away from the two relationships during bouts of mania. I in fact needed to do so anyway, but the mania fueled the assertiveness and confidence to do so. Can you recognise any of this in yourself?

I am in a long-term relationship now but I am also in the longest period of stability I have ever been in.

I am wondering what is missing in your current relationship, and why is it so unstable?

The instability to me speaks to your desires for someone else. Perhaps your current relationship is not the right one for you.

Also, it seems you have a pattern of being attracted to the bad boys -- someone in prison and now, someone who has been locked up for 30 years. Innocent or guilty, he's been locked up for a very long time. Not to mention, you work with him. I am not judging, but this seems like very poor judgement on your behalf. It is also inappropriate to extend relations with this man outside of your work environment. That is also very poor boundaries and poor judgement.

Are you in therapy? I think it would greatly benefit you to see a therapist to talk about your issues. Again, I am not judging, I am just being open and honest about what I see based on your post, and I think you need to evaluate your relationships & behavior more deeply.

I don't think you can have both. And neither option seems totally secure for your long term future. Where do you see yourself in 20 years time with the 26 year old? Where would you see yourself in 20 years time with the guy that you lust after? Probably nowhere with both to be honest.

Neither relationship will be successful in a long run because both men are not in
A stable pls e and you are tying to save them. Not a good start. I also advice you not to mix work and pleasure. I hope you see a therapist

Who or what helps you overcome dangerous impulses? What has helped in the past? Do you see a psychiatrist or therapist?

To be honest I don't feel manic. I most definitely have been there and that usually resulted in bouts of promiscuity and the like. I'm medicated and taking them MOSTLY as prescribed. I've walked away from ALL of my relationships. The only ones who left me were after I broke up and we did that dance of on again off again and then they FINALLY got over my nonsense and that's a long time ago anyway.

Everyone always wants to think I have a thing for bad boys and I really don't. My boyfriend is super religious. DEVOUT. Great guy. I just don't nix things where other people might is the way that I see it, which is why my first husband was 20 years older than me when I was in my 20s and my boyfriend is 21 years younger than me now that I'm in my 40s. I put thrill seeking in the title but it's not the bad boy thing that is the thrill seeking, it's the novelty thing.

No, not in therapy. Was about to be and then my dental work derailed those plans. Once my job moves closer to home again, maybe I can afford it. I spend way too much on gas right now. Once we move back (hopefully next month) it will be like getting a raise - I spend so much on gas.

I can see myself better with the guy I'm hot for and that's why it's so hard to want to let it go. We're into a lot of the same things and he's my perfect complement, meaning, if you know Myers Briggs, he's the best match for me by personality. I'm ENFP and he's INTJ, one of the most rare personality types. The only thing that makes it hard to imagine him 20 years down the line is my history of relationships. 5 years is about my max and yet I'm looking at him like HE has the potential to be the one to break that pattern. It's still very new and obviously there's a lot I don't know about him, but it just clicks, which is why it's hard to let go.

My friend just pointed out my "need to be needed." I googled that and codependent came up. I'm planning to go to CoDA next week since i can't afford therapy right now.

Have I ever overcome dangerous impulses? Medication has helped in the past and does now. I think I'm not seeing this as "dangerous" as everyone else and that might be my problem. It's only my CAREER on the line, right? I'm not in therapy but I have two incredible people in my life that I go to with major life problems. For the first time ever my friend today told me that she feels inept on how to best guide me. She points out though that this is a bad path if I want to be taken seriously in my field and I feel like that's true on the one hand, but also can be overcome. I'm not planning on staying with my company forever. It's definitely a stepping stone and I feel like this doesn't have to be something that EVERYONE knows about so that it damages me, so long as I can keep it under control until he leaves my program in November. But then again, I'm probably delusional.

Thank you everyone for the replies. Sorry it took me so long to respond but I came for days and nobody said anything for a bit. Just happened to double back now.

A couple of other things occurred to me to say....

This attraction is beyond just sexual. Yes, for me (and obviously him) that was the initial thing, but in the two weeks since the initial post it has become something else. HE is the one who said come November (when he will leave my program) I need to ditch my boyfriend to move this forward.

My concern was more about my issues and how they might affect him than the workplace concerns. Workplace concerns is where my people are concerned for me. According to my job this would be considered a boundary crossing, but it's not like I have a therapeutic relationship with him. I'm basically a glorified babysitter because you can't leave a house full of felons alone. My relationships with all of the residents have always been friendly and beyond what my job deems appropriate but they tell us to follow the "goldfish rule" which is that they shouldn't know you have one, which is INSANE. I talk about my personal life - what I do at school. What I did on the weekend. I mean for Christ's sake even my past therapist shared stories about his life. The only difference here is that we have acknowledged and discussed the mutual attraction and the desire to continue outside of here.

Boundary crossings here are a concern mostly for SECURITY REASONS. Think about a prison. There is the potential for bringing drugs, cell phones, etc. Also, according to the law, he CANNOT CONSENT to sex due to the actual power dynamic given to me by my position as baby sitter. But if you think about ANY OTHER JOB other than this or a therapist, it's OK, and even encouraged to build relationships with clients. If you're in sales, you take clients out and relationships form. If you had your own business there's a good chance that your attorney might be invited to a barbecue in the summer. So part of my problem is that personally, I don't see anything wrong with the relationship in and of itself. We actually ARE two consenting adults. The problem is that my job deems it inappropriate, but there's a lot about how my boss handles things that is inappropriate. She doesn't know how to talk to the residents or staff. She treats everyone like garbage, but in the grand scheme of things there is nothing wrong with being a crappy person.

My real concerns here are why I can never be happy with what I have and the potential of hurting this man who has already endured a lot of difficulty in his life. When I brought my concerns to my sister my main issue was that I didn't want to "inflict" myself on him and that was what she homed in on - why do I choose that word?

I told him I was going to back off. I feel like I was coming on a little strong and I told him whatever this is will be at his pace. He said, "We are going to be ok with each other ,one way or another,so do not worry about this BS. Time will tell where everything goes. I am a grown a.s.s. man, and I just need to figure out what life is all about. This $hit isnt easy. On ANY level. So please just try and chill a little. Ok?"

Later I had said something to the effect that I don't feel like I'm helping matters any and he told me that I do help him.

My concern was me imagining the implosion of this relationship like the ones before it. But what if it doesn't? What if this is actually the best thing to happen to the both of us?

I don’t know. I don’t really understand why you even consider this relationship when it’s totally inappropriate. It seems you’re justifying it by comparing it to other fields when it’s not the same whatsoever. Just because your boss isn’t exactly right doesn’t make it right for you. Why not see your current relationship through? Why not explore on your own why you can’t just be happy with the current relationship and need novelty? That’s really the problem here.

You seem to have attraction to guys who are either in prison or just out of prison. Dating this guy from half way house is completely inappropriate as it’s your work place.

It’s ok to be attracted to people but no need to act on it all the time. Please make sure you take your meds not “mostly”, but “always” as prescribed.

Your current partner will be deported as his visa expired. He won’t be allowed to enter US again for set number of years. I don’t recommend you marry him as you already like someone else and like you said it’s unstable and it will be third marriage with no good outcome.

Marrying also will not mean he will be allowed to just stay. Expired visas are a “no no”. Please don’t complicate your life. Not everything needs to be acted upon.