Relationship Purgatory: I Can't Stay Here Forever (Please Help)

Hey everyone! I hope this post finds you well. I haven't posted on here in at least a couple of years, but I really need some help. I would really appreciate any advice you can give me on ways to proceed with getting help for some of the issues below.

Since there are so many complex issues, traumas, and events that I've struggled with throughout my life, I'm going to include the following in bullet-form. These are:

- My dad tried to molest me when I was 4, after my parents were divorced (they divorced before I was born). I told my mom. I begged her not to tell anyone but she immediately got extremely angry and took him to court.

- I testified in court when I was 5-years-old. His whole family, and my dad himself, said my mom made this up to get custody taken from him. I did not want to tell because I did not want to ruin my dad's life.

- I had to comfort my mom about this. Our relationship was already codependent and I was her caretaker. For this reason, I do not think I ever processed or grieved or properly got angry over my dad trying to do this to me.

- My mom got my dad's custody rights taken away when I was 5. I forgave my dad soon after the event (in fact, I'm not sure that I was ever angry with him). I started speaking with him again when I was 11.

- Again, he told me my mom made that up. At first, I told him I remembered it and it WAS true, but eventually I stopped saying anything. Now when he brings up how my mom ruined his life, I say "I'm sorry", but that is it.

- I was my mom's mother. Her mother died when she was around 11 and I don't think she had grown up psychologically by the time she had me. As odd as it sounds, I made a pact that I wouldn't let my mom die and that I would make up for the pain and lack of love she'd experienced in life.

- Mine and my mom's relationship became very unstable at some point in my childhood. I think some of her extreme behaviors started after the event with my dad. These behaviors consisted of: threatening to kill us both or just me, hitting me, falling on the floor and pretending to be dead, and other types of physical, emotional, and verbal abuse.

- The two memories of this type that stick out the most are:
1) telling me she was going to drive us into a cement wall and kill us (as she accelerated faster and faster, slammed on the breaks, and caused me to hit my head on the dash of the car). I think this was when I was 4 or 5.
2) Tickling that turned from normal to violent, for no reason at all. Her tickles turned to pinches and then slapping. I couldn't understand what I had done.

- I have major guilt issues with my mom. I also worry that she will die most days. This used to be an everyday thing with me.

- I always told/believed my mom saved my life. I vowed to her I would take care of her and we would never be apart. She moved and left me alone in my hometown right after I finished high school.

- I was a good kid who often struggled to have friends. I made lots of guy friends, but had trouble finding girls to be friends with. As it turned out, none of the guys that pretended to be my friend during this time period and after, were actually my "friend." This has been a reoccurring problem and theme throughout my life.

- I let people walk all over me my entire life. This includes my parents, friends, romantic partners, bosses, absolutely everyone.

- I have problems saying no. I have had dozens of sexual relationships with men because of this.

- Following the incident with my dad, my childhood (and adult life) was filled with further sexual trauma and abuse. I was convinced (and still am) that the world was filled with pedophiles or people who don't love you or people that will abuse you. Every romantic relationship that I've had, and many of my relationships with friends, family, coworkers, etc. have supported this belief.

- My first long-term relationship started when a guy I had slept with in college stalked me, invited me on a trip to a town about an hour from my school, got physically violent, and drove 2.5 hours to his hometown. I ended up dating this guy for 6 years.

- He was also physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive. He also stopped having sex with me about 2 years into our relationship, told me he was going to cheat on me, and did end up doing so. Due to my pre-existing problems with attachment and trust, I had an extremely hard time navigating my way out of this relationship. I think he ultimately broke up with me after cheating on me again. It hurt more than anything at the time.

- I seem to have blocked the majority of this relationship out. I remember bits and pieces of it. Like my mom, he threatened to kill me often. He verbally abused me in any way he could, including telling me I deserved to be molested. He made me feel the same familiar worthlessness as the majority of my life experiences.

- I made it out of this relationship and started seeing a guy I'm going to refer to as M. I thought M was extremely different from my former long-term partner, and really anyone I had ever been friends with. He wasn't superficial or judgmental and seemed to be a very kind person. During the course of our relationship, I lost and found my mind.

- M suddenly stopped having sex with me. Because this had just happened in my former relationship (and due to all of my issues with sex), the first night he refused, I sobbed. He didn't say anything, except that I was keeping him from going to sleep. I promised I would let him go to sleep the next time, if something like that ever happened again. Unfortunately, it happened that night too (he didn't initiate sex and turned down my advances), and so on, for months. Eventually, I learned to cry silently.

- As we continued to not be intimate, I transformed back into the unstable person I had been before I dated M. We started fighting a lot, although I was not sure how these fights started or continued for so long. I felt like M's lack of interest showed that he didn't love me.

- At first, I tried harder to resolve whatever was causing our lack of intimacy. I stopped asking about it altogether. I went to sleep earlier and didn't keep him awake at night. I believe we had sex eventually during this time, but it was only a couple of times, at most. When this didn't fix our issues, I started the process that would consume me over the next 3 years.

- I worked on getting more attractive. I worked on being more "chill" and fun and nice and easier to deal with. I tried not to pick fights as much. Occasionally we would be intimate, but this was extremely rare. His "sleep" excuse became many different excuses: his stomach hurt, it was too hot, it was too late, I had made him angry that day, etc. He never initiated any physical contact with me - of any kind.

- When this didn't work, I lost it. Despite our ups and downs with intimacy and fighting, this was the one person who I believed would not abuse me. He was different from anyone else I had ever met. I really thought I had found true love with him; a stable partner/friend/family that I had never had. I knew that if I lost him, I would die. He was the only person, besides my mom, who ever gave me hope.

- I was in grad school at the time, and he was not working (due to issues of his own). I decided I was going to go to medical school, something I had promised my mom I would do as a child. I told him I was going to apply and I would be able to take care of him, even if he never worked. He encouraged me to do that if I wanted. At this point, I already thought he didn't love me (and never could), but thought he would be more willing to stay with me if I paid for everything.

- Along the way, I changed. I stopped expecting him to treat me like his girlfriend/partner. He was a gamer at the time, and since I felt he didn't want to talk with me, we spent most of our time together in our bedroom with me writing my thesis or studying for the MCAT, and him gaming, watching television, and/or smoking pot. I thought he was proud of me. I thought he would eventually start treating me better.

- When things didn't improve, I got worse. I had lost any of the "friends" I had during either this relationship or the one before it, and I couldn't bear continuously asking my mom for the same advice or putting her through having to hear about my intimacy issues. I started reading articles online about problems we had experienced in our relationship. I spent many hours a day pouring over these articles, when I was supposed to be working.

- I couldn't find articles that supported the reasons he gave me for our lack of a sex life or lack of a normal relationship. I read everything from articles about hormone imbalances to communication problems to porn/video game addiction. When I came across a tip or possible reason for these problems, I would ask if this could be the issue. He would either get incredibly angry or sneer and shut me out.

- I continued to pour over any information I could to understand what had happened in our relationship, if M loved me, what was wrong with me, what was wrong with him, and how to fix it. This was met with more anger and resentment. Eventually, he acted like a completely different person. I was convinced it was my fault - that I had transformed him into my abusive ex-boyfriend.

- As I read more and tried more and failed more, my self-esteem became extremely low. This was familiar to me (as it was something I had struggled with my whole life). My self-hate became worse and I thought I would be better off dead. I couldn't deal with the idea that the one person I had found, who I knew was a good and kind person at first, was rejecting me when I couldn't understand why. M said he wanted to stay with me and always gave solutions I could try, but none of them changed anything.

- My life became consumed by this frantic searching. As the days went by, I woke up with less hope and more sorrow. I stopped enjoying life completely. I spent most days telling myself what a "worthless, ugly, crazy piece of **** I was" and how I deserved this and how I let M down and how I should kill myself.

- Work became harder to concentrate on. I cried EVERY morning when I woke up. I cried EVERY day at my work. I literally spent all of my time reading about what could be going on with M and I, trying to speak with him about different things we could work on, and hating myself. Every now and then, M would change his mind and have sex with me one time, but it wouldn't happen again for months and months, and the damage was already done.

- Eventually, he asked me to move out, and told me we could continue to be in a relationship, but on a "break." This was also extremely devastating, as I had never lived on my own before (outside of the college dorms). I also knew this meant the end was coming - that he was going to abandon me and that I was right in believing that he didn't love me and that he probably never had.

- M told me that I needed to do this to fix myself. He said he knew that I would never be able to work through my problems, if I first didn't live alone. He couldn't make me any promises that it would fix our relationship, but he promised me that no matter what, he wouldn't abandon me.

- I was so confused and scared and depressed when I moved into my own apartment. I didn't understand what I had done wrong. I didn't know who I was without M. I didn't believe that he intended to try to work on addressing these issues. I didn't believe he would continue to talk to me or see me.

- He did, though. He saw me and acted as if he wasn't affected at all. It bothered me a great deal. Although M had treated me much better than anyone in my life, he also treated me much worse. I changed a great many things about myself in an attempt to save our relationship, while he couldn't give me one real answer for why he treated me this way or how he actually felt about me.

- We are still broken up now and he still tells me he loves me and he still wants to be in a relationship with me, as long as we don't have "the same problems as before."

- I am still stuck in this apartment. I have lived here for one year at the end of this month. I see M most days. I helped him get a job as a custodian at my university, at night. I think this is helping him feel better about himself.

- I am still tied to him without any semblance of a committed relationship, at this point. I am afraid I won't make it out of this alive. Despite this one-sided post, M was the best person I knew.

- He listened to me, he helped me believe in myself, and he helped me make sense of my experiences in life, who I was, and who I am. Since I moved here, we have both engaged in many conversations about how this happened and how we could have done it differently and how we would do it differently in the future.

- I have no idea how to proceed from here and I am afraid I will end up waiting on him forever and if I did manage to get back together with him, we would have the same problems again and soon after.

- I thought about moving to where my mom lives. I don't know if this is a good idea or not. We have a much more healthy relationship now, but I am 30-years-old and have been putting off my live's goal of moving to the west coast to play music for the past 12 years (because of my relationships, fear, etc).

- I cannot stay in this apartment (relationship purgatory) for the rest of my life. I would rather die sooner, than spend my whole life waiting on someone to show up who will never come or will never love me or will never be able to have a healthy relationship with me.

If you made it through this whole post, thank you. I apologize for the length - it was just easy to keep going once I got started. I would appreciate any and all suggestions on working through these various types of trauma, as well as my relationship with M. Thank you, again!

Have you been in therapy? Sorry if I missed this but I did read the whole post. Staying attached to that guy or moving closer to your mom sound like it might not be a good idea.

There is something to be said for living alone for awhile. Maybe seek therapy and stay out of romantic relationships for awhile and focus on friendships.

Thank you for your reply! I have been in therapy before, but largely for other issues, like bulimia. I have tried seeing 2 therapists during the time I was in my last relationship, but I am not sure if I was honest with either of them or told them the right details or what. Both of them encouraged me to do what you said, but it's hard when being alone is my absolutely worst fear and I literally have no support system here.

Please let me know if you have suggestions on specific types of therapists/therapies to look into. I live in a somewhat smaller town, but I think there are a lot of online therapists these days.

Hello iliketherain,

I'm so sorry you are hurting so much right now.

I don't know if I have any valuable advice for you, but I went through something fairly similar. I too have a difficult relationship with my parents (there was some emotional abuse/neglect and questionable sexual behaviour when I was growing up. There were also numerous abandonments) and as a result, I ended up forming insecure attachments. The first such insecure attachment was with my ex and first boyfriend, who I was with for four years at university. We lived together for two years and I couldn't fathom life without him. We became enmeshed, I ended up neglecting my own emotional needs and ultimately I forgot who I was when I wasn't with him. When he broke up with me (for someone else), I lost myself completely and dived headfirst into the worst depression of my life. It was horrible and I blocked out most of it...I only remember snippets of how I felt. Because of the abandonment from my childhood, his rejection felt like somebody had pointed a gun at me and I was on edge all the time. I wasn't a functional human being and I wanted to die. I was 22 years old.

Fast forward to three years later. After numerous other painful life lessons, I finally came to the realization that one cannot be happy in a relationship if one is not happy with who they are. For me, that breakup was the hardest thing I had to go through but it was also the best thing. It kind of tore me apart completely and then I had to build myself up from scratch. I learned more about myself after things ended than when I was with him. I'm not saying I'm in a happy place now, because I'm not. But unhappiness seems somehow less scary when you know where it comes from.

I guess what I am trying to say is that when we are afraid of something bad happening, we tend to lose sight of our own capacity for growth and change. Your boyfriend is your equal, not your superior. You have as much value as he does and your emotional needs matter as much as his. From what I have read in your post, he seems to make all the decisions and you seem to accept them (even if they make you feel horrible) because you are afraid of losing him. I get it, I really do. I did this too with my ex. I placed him on a pedestal and sat at his feet waiting for him to make his mind up, terrified that I might lose him. But then I did lose him and eventually, I was fine.

My advice to you, and I'm sorry if I'm overstepping, is to take some time to focus on yourself. Whether you end things with him or not is your call, but I think that the only way you will find happiness is to first look for it within yourself. Nobody should have this much power over you. I don't know you, but I can tell, from what you have written, that you are a strong, beautiful, kind human being who deserves to be happy as much as anyone. It won't be easy to get to a place where you are happy with yourself, but as long as you take baby steps, it is achievable.

Have you ever considered looking for a therapist? For years I was very much against this idea because my parents were never that keen on mental health professionals. But when it finally got bad enough, I went. My therapist helped me navigate through years and years of dysfunctional relationships, self-sabotaging ways of thinking, attachment issues, childhood trauma etc. It won't necessarily make you immediately happier or fix our relationship troubles, but making decisions about life from a place of rational understanding is infinitely better than making decisions out of fear that you might lose someone. I cannot recommend this enough.

I'm sorry if this is not the reply you were looking for. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat.

All the best to you.

Edit: I know you mentioned that you are broken up, so when I said it's your decision whether you want to end things or not, I was referring more to cutting contact for a while. His response to this whole thing angers me a little....you can't have your cake and eat it too. He says you are broken up but that he still wants to be with you if you change. It must be awfully confusing for you, and hurtful too. You shouldn't expect someone to change in order to be with them. You either stick with them through thick and thin, or you don't. From my experience, this type of non-committal, conditional relationship does more harm than good. Getting distance from him, whether you decide to keep him in your life or not, would probably be good for you. Again, I'm sorry if I'm overstepping. I know how defensive I got of my ex when others said bad things about him.

I'm amazed by your strength. Especially to put yourself through medical school despite the turbulence around you. Perhaps your last bullet point says it all; it sounds like you know you'd be better off moving on from M. He has been supportive in ways, but he has hurt you in ways. He taught you to cry silently. He told you you need to fix yourself when you've been the one actually taking steps toward your future--and his. I know I don't know the whole picture and that he has wonderful qualities, too. But sometimes, even if a person has been a true gift in our life, we have to acknowledge that souls and lives can evolve in different directions over time, and that's okay.

I feel like I'm so under-qualified to give any advice here, but I didn't want to get to the end of your story and not say anything. It's amazing how many kind people there are in the world. It seems so scary to leave a security blanket-- but you will make new friends, and you will very likely meet a man who is supportive, loving, and caring and can contribute positively to your healing process. I don't mean that as a flippant remark, though I recognize it's much easier to just say than to actually go out and manifest in reality. But I honestly mean there are billions of people in the world, and people will often find each other. There are many good, kind, safe men and women in this world.

After med school is a great time for change. Residency is a great place to start fresh, make new friends, be distracted by long hours, immerse yourself in a new community, learn new things. I'd try for residencies in cities. Boston, New York, San Francisco, Atlanta, Seattle (I realize I've made the assumption you're in the US).
I was also struck at the end that your life goal is to play music? Even if it felt scary to take the full plunge and try out a full-on music career now, there are a lot of ways to play music recreationally to ease into it. I've been part of several local, open music ensembles that build excellent support systems for people, giving people a home when they thought they were alone in the city. In a city, you can busk, too. You sound like you have a strong resilient streak in you, and that is an admirable thing. Sending hugs...

I am so very sorry. Please don’t go back to that man or in fact any men at the moment. I recommend therapy focused on your mental state, childhood trauma, and attracting very wrong abusive men

I'm so sorry you've had to endure all of this. My take on intimacy rejection is it's a matter of control and in no way denotes a loving behavior, I'm guessing he wasn't holding you nor gentle with you in his denying you.

I saw attachment styles mentioned in a reply. I saw this online, I must have seen it before. It's a blog about attachment styles and even includes a little (non clinical yet informative) quiz of an assessment. Even if to take that with you into therapy or to empower yourself as you sort out your next path/direction in life.

https://www.mindfulnessmuse.com/indi...-relationships

Don't apologise. You have nothing to be sorry for, including the length of your post. I saw so many similarities in your post describing what you have gone through in your childhood and are continuing to endure in your life and relationships with my own.

I feel you also have the same experience as myself of continuing what you learned in childhood to use as guidelines for how you interact with people and have relationships with them.

I am far older than you. And have nearly two years of therapy with an amazing psychologist under my belt. And that has been life changing for me.

I can promise you some wonderful things. You can find happiness. You can have healthy, fun, enjoyable relationships, both with relatives and with a signifigant other. You can live without the weight of guilt and depression.

The key to this is you most first take a major step. It is a step to enter into a new relationship with someone you have never considered before.

Yourself.

The first step I can urge you to take is to find a therapist. A good, empathetic, kind therapist. As you are so much at the same place I was before therapy, I know of the depression, isolation, and helplessness that you are living in. The burden of self-loathing. The guilt.

This is the first step you must take in a lifelong journey.

It will change everything.

You will learn to love yourself. (I'm still working on that one.) You will learn to tell whether people in your life are toxic, and that their actions are not your fault. Or your responsibility. You will find true happiness. You will learn what healthy boundries are.

You will learn the pure joy of letting go of the burdens that you are carrying in adulthood from childhood. And you will enter into the most amazing relationship of all, . . . one with yourself.

And one of the great things that you will learn is that your happiness has absolutely nothing to do with being in a relationship with another. You are so much like me years ago. I still fight these same childhood demons, but now I have the tools to fight. I am speaking to you from a new place that is very attainable for you, too. It is a place of hope. Something you do not have right now. But it is within your reach. I promise. Seek out the help you need. And don't give up until you find that help.