Support without resentment?

My significant other has been on disability for the last several months after being out of work due to some physical issues in addition to mental health. When he first was out of work, he was very adamant about treatment and getting back on his feet. However, we recently moved which triggered admittedly anxiety for both of us. I had to foot the bill for all of the moving expenses and ended up having to put some of it on a credit card because of unexpected incidental expenses. But, that's how moves often go. I get it.

Now we've been settled for a little over a month and its clear our bills are going to be higher than we thought. I'm already stretched thin as it is, but its just kind of assumed I'll pay the extra because I'm working. This added stress is really taking a toll on my own mental health to the point the ideation returned, I've had to increase my meds and I've just scheduled to see a therapist in the new town. I've tried to share my concerns with my SO, but it stresses him out and he'll either get frenzied and say he's just going to get a job no matter how much it hurts him or conversely, he'll say he's worked so hard his whole life and he just needs to take time off. He sits at home most days and smokes, eats, and watches TV. I get he's got a lot going on. I truly do. But I'm starting to feel a bit of resentment. I don't know if I should just let it go for a little while longer. Before the move he was very on top of everything, had his treatment plan all outlined and was ready to begin and then this move came up (for my job) but its thrown him off his motivation.
What would you do? The treatment was supposed to last 9-12 months and in that time he was supposed to finish up his degree he's been working on and then get back to work. I hate feeling like I'm being pushy but now he's saying he's going to take at least the next 3 years before his medical review until he goes to work and a) supporting us for 3 years is really daunting and b) in 3 years I'll be closer to my 40's and we've kept off on starting a family up until this point because we wanted to be sure the time was right. And then, when we started trying--- this happened. But maybe having a family isn't in the cards? And that, more than anything, upsets me. Because up until now we'd had all our ducks in a row and suddenly our future is wiped out, as well as all of our savings. I feel like I've lost so much, but I am so grateful I still have him. I just hate feeling so alone in all of this. But I want to be there for him as much as I possibly can be. Do I just keep this inside? Do I tell him? My therapist will hopefully have some advice for me too.

Being helpless is really seductive. I think that what motivates a lot of people to get with the program is being in survival mode: If I don't work, I don't eat and I lose my house. Simple. Also, having the attitude that working is a privilege, not a punishment, and it's just plain GOOD for the soul to make a contribution.

The problem with human nature is that if anyone in our lives will take up the slack, the temptation is almost unavoidable to let them do it. I have a friend whose aunt is very rich and pays her way...bought her a house, car, clothing...so she's demotivated -- how could she be otherwise? For the record, I'm unabashedly envious...her life is so easy! OTOH, I would be a slug if someone did that for me, and my friend isn't a slug. She's loads of fun. And she's generous and a much nicer person than I am overall.

Have you thought of going to couples counseling? The issues you face are definitely going to require a team effort.

In complete agreement with everything you've said! I totally don't blame him for wanting to take it easy. I would be doing the same thing if I could. And his health problems are certainly serious-- he really doesn't need to be working right now full-time or doing anything laborious. That being said, I don't really know how to broach the topic with him without it turning in to an 'attack'. I've tried to explain my own feelings as best I can. He sees that I'm stressed. And for a few days, he'll really put in an effort and clean up the house and have dinner ready for me when I get home and be chipper. But then a few more days pass and he gets back in to his slump. I've been waiting for him to get a new doctor here. Its been over a month. He hasn't done it. That worries me because once his RX runs out-- we're up a creek. Things like that just make me want to say "C'mon what are you doing? You've got to do these thing."

Its hard for me to see, too, because he has been such an independent guy. I've been so in awe of his responsible nature since we've been together. But, its like the longer he sits and does nothing, the less motivated he is.

Thanks for the reply. I think it might just be the move that's thrown him off his game. We've both been super stressed with it. But, if another month passes and he's still in a slump, I'm going to have to be more direct with my conversation.

He actually just informed me he scheduled to see his therapist next week as well, so I hope that does him some good. He's going to drive 2 hours back to where we used to live to see her-- but he's going. He hasn't seen her in over a month- so this is a step in the right direction.

He took a step to see his Therapist while it seems small it is a big step.

Moving can toss anyone sideways , it did for me , I was a hot mess.

Hope things settle and you two can have a open discussion about all of the stuff your worried about. I’m sure he’s worried also

Marriage counseling might help you a lot.

Good luck

the thing that stood out the most is this: "he'll say he's worked so hard his whole life and he just needs to take time off. "

If that's what he says, then it's no longer about disability and not being able to work but about him feeling he deserves this time off. Which on the one hand I can understand, many of us would feel that way but unfortunately it's at the expense of you. Your health, mentally is being sacrificed for him and if it's not because he CAN'T work, it's a decision he's making now not something he has to do.

It would bother me to no end also.

And I don't mean to paint him in a dark light entirely either, I am sure there are issues at hand he is dealing with but I just can't help but think there may be a selfish factor here on his part.

It is good you're looking at things the way you are and to be honest, I dont' really have any solid advice but to say you need to seriously assess whether your goals in life have diverged at this point. You want a family and a stable life. he wants freedom and a long vacation. I think a few months off in most cases is enough but 3 yrs?

Thanks! Yes, moving is always really hard. It has taken a huge toll on both of us. I think that is contributing to my feelings. I feel like burdens have fallen on me to handle things, even though I'm also struggling with my mental health. Sometimes I want to say "This is effecting me too". But, I'm trying to be a good partner and just keep upbeat and moving forward so we both don't fall in to a slump. But, meanwhile I have been prone to crying in the bathroom or on my drive to work. Its really hard to have to be the strong one. In these times, I really do need him and his support, but I can't get it because he's got his own things going on. Which is why I am scheduled to see a new therapist and upped my medications. So I can cope through this.

You asked what would we do. I’d leave. Prospects of supporting someone for 3 long years while he sits on a couch and smokes isn’t something I am willing to do. I always look at it as if I have extra money and want to take someone on, it would be a family member like my kid or my niece or ailing mother, not a boyfriend.

Thanks for the feedback everyone. Yes, it really felt like it shifted from him not being able to work to choosing not to work. And taking that time. And, heck, if I could take time I would too- but not by expecting someone else to help carry me through that.

However, as fortune would have it, he just had a part-time job handed to him through a friend. That seems to have motivated him a little bit. It will be a pretty laborious job, so I'm worried about that part since he is already dealing with physical issues, but at the end of the day, he knows his limits.

I definitely feel in limbo because it seems like the path we had planned out has taken such a sharp turn.

I did meet with my therapist today and somehow it turned in to a conversation about my stresses as it relates to work. I guess that was fresh on my mind. Maybe next time I broach this topic. My therapist did say I have to stop taking on the responsibility of others. I have to stop trying to save people. Its really hard when they're literally the person I have chosen to share my life with. But I can't sacrifice myself to try to help someone else. Especially if they don't want to help themself. I have to put myself first. That really spoke to me.