How to Not Lose Yourself

Dear PC,

I need help figuring out how to live my own life, and not live someone else’s. In particular, I am hoping to someday find romance because I enjoy the companionship of females, but I have witnessed some pretty bad relational examples set by my peers, who have frequently used dating and marriage as an excuse to give up their independence.

For example, I have seen so many of my friends suffer and fall out academically at my university or become highly distracted with their jobs because they seemingly added an extra layer of complexity to their situation through dating and obeying pretty much every commitment of their SO. I also left a bad social situation last year when a lot of the friends in these friend groups started dating, they would often completely compromise their unique individualities for their loved one’s desires and interests simply to please them or “go with the crowd”. When one of my best friends from college got engaged recently, he got so absorbed into his new future marriage that he fell out socially and stopped contacting many of our mutual friends. I hope that I don’t come across as making assumptions for otherwise happy relationships but I have seen this pattern with a lot of my friends who have married recently, which is very very concerning to me as a single.

So my question is: how can I achieve a healthy balance between loving a girlfriend/spouse with neither of us giving up our independence, hobbies, or interests?

You have these conversations up front when you meet potential mates. You uphold those standards and you walk away before committing to someone who doesn’t respect them.

Thanks Sisabel. Oh the power of communicating

Work on your independence first. when you are solid in what you want in life and what you like, what you want to do going forward and are happy with just you and you alone, that is the time when it's best to find a mate. when they are the icing on the cake of life and not a necessity.

It's not an easy task nor is it one that many find success in, most people succumb to the loneliness instead of being content with themselves and end up seeking out someone to make them "whole" I believe this is the wrong way to approach it.

There is nothing wrong with being happy as a single persona and being independent and I dont' think that means that you have to exclude being with someone but it shifts your reasons for seeking someone out as a mate. When you don't need it, but would enjoy the company of a mate without the attached "need" issues it's a whole new type of relationship, I believe.

But you can't do it by thinking of being with someone "someday" or focusing on that. just find your own way, find your own fulfillment and enjoy life as it is now.. You'll know when you're ready as you won't be asking these questions anymore!

Hope this helps.

Set boundaries early on for sure. If keeping your hobbies and other activities is important you need to find a gal who will be able to let you do you without her getting jealous or mad, or maybe even join you in those activities of that's ok with you.

This is extremely helpful, thanks big time Sandman! I've figured out what I desire in life outside of romance (like hobbies, etc) , and actually don't need too much company but definitely need to work on really enjoying myself. And I think this message gives me a good start!