Trying to Avoid "Dating Down" BUT

So after a DEVASTATING relationship in 2016, I decided to take a long, hard look at my relationship patterns and truly work on myself. It has been two LONG years, and I've decided to try to "get back out there"

In the past I've had two extremes... the "fixer upper"... you know the guys with so much "potential" that never seem to do much, or the gainfully employed A**HOLE who has no intention of committing to anything but his bank account.

In my quest to move more to the middle, I fear that I am in danger of repeating the same pattern...again.

I've been working a part time job the last two years (and paid off $20K debt by doing so), and there's a REALLY sweet guy that works there. He's a line cook (red flag #1), but he seems to think I walk on water... and it's... SWEET.

He literally chased me around for three months to get my phone number. Then when I gave it to him, it took him a while to call. I seriously just wrote it off as him being a player and otherwise occupied my time until one of our mutual coworkers shared with me that he was nervous about calling me because he didn't have a car at the time. Well... as soon as he purchased his car, my phone rang.

I spent another month politely declining his invitations out, but finally caved in last week and we had a GREAT time. I repeat, he's really sweet and attentive and funny, BUT we're SO different and I've been down this road before.

During our date, I TOLD him he was "friend zoned" and he said he wasn't gonna give up just yet, but respected my boundaries. He (unlike other guys) hasn't tried to kiss me or be inappropriate, but he's called everyday since (which I won't answer -- don't want to lead him on) and... he wrote me POETRY!!!!! I'm a sucker for those artsy fartsy types.

So... I like the guy, but am afraid I'm falling into my same pattern. If we were 25, I would be a little more open to him "coming up". We're 40!!!!!!

Not to sound stuck up, but I have two degrees, a great job, and I'm well established. He's living with his Dad, but it's because his Dad's health is declining, and he's helping to take care of his two younger sisters. He's never been on a plane. He didn't know what gratuity meant.

AAAARRRGH! I keep see sawing between picking him apart or making excuses. I don't know what to do...

BTW... I am going to go out with some other guys (I'm a serial monogamist), and NOT do anything physical with ANYONE for a while. That got me in trouble the last time.

I was shocked over the years how many people have never been on a plane and even worse: have not been outside of our state. Can’t wrap my mind around it.

In general I wouldn’t date anyone at work. If you two don’t have much in common and come from totally different walks of life, it will not last no matter how sweet he is. Not enough to sustain it I think

If the path you're headed down feels familiar, then you probably already know the outcome.

That's what I'm thinking, too. I keep asking myself whether it's just New Relationship Energy and getting caught up in the fact that ANYONE of the opposite sex is paying me some attention.

I do this every time. Date a bad guy for WAY too long, break up and stay single for a long period of time to "learn the lessons" then latch on to the first guy after I return to dating.

I enjoyed our time together, but think I should maybe not go out with him again so lines don't get blurred.

Very true

Are you seeing a therapist?

I think you are right in dating other men and not getting caught up in this one so fast. Explore, play the field, and then decide on someone to date, IF he is suitable for you. If you feel like you are dating down, then perhaps it's a flag for you to pay attention to.

Can't afford it at the time, but I attend regular CODA meetings which are helpful.

Agreed. Ironically, I wouldn't be going back and forth so much if he wasn't a 40-year-old line cook. That seems so stuck up of me...

I am not understanding what you mean by falling into the same pattern. From what you are saying, he is neither a fixer upper nor a money grubber.

It sounds like what you are questioning is whether, given your differences in backgrounds, he can maintain your interest. My advice is to date him a while longer and see what happens. You can find out one way or the other before you decide one way of the other.

Honestly? If that's how you feel there's nothing wrong with that. If you want to date someone who is working in a field comparable to your own (I don't know what kind of work you do), or someone whose salary is comparable to yours, or someone whose achievement level is comparable to yours, then there's nothing wrong with that. I can understand that completely.

People are entitled to have certain requirements when looking for serious relationships. It doesn’t make you stuck up. You aren’t obligated to date anyone who doesn’t meet your criteria. If someone thinks it makes you stuck up then who cares.

I think she meant “fixer upper” in terms of not standing firmly on his two feet in his age. In the US line cooks make only a bit more than minimum wages and he is already 40. If i cohabitated or married someone who makes that little, I’d have to support him or totally give up my life style. I am not materialistic but I always think if I want to take someone on and support him/her, I’d do it for someone I already know or related to, not a stranger. That’s maybe what she is thinking. I might be wrong of course

Interesting you say that. We've gone out a couple more times and really enjoy each other's company. I think part of me is worried what people will think or "What if something better comes along?"

At any rate, we're keeping things very casual at the moment (nothing physical - not even kissing), and I am keeping my options open. No need to put all my eggs in one basket.

He REALLY is a nice guy and makes me laugh... a lot. He seems ambitious so it's really a matter of me taking my time and watching for consistency...

I haven't ruled him out... yet. I just don't trust my instincts.

That's exactly my mindset, divine. I have a really good paying job, and men in my salary bracket, in my experience, have been complete jerks because they have so many options.

As I've gotten older, I've shortened "the list" No one could live up to that laundry list of expectations, but I fear the whole "you can do better" syndrome.

I keep second guessing myself on this one. He's caring and sweet. VERY funny and treats me with the utmost respect. Surprisingly, he's taken me to a couple of REALLY nice restaurants and was honest about the fact that he's getting a DEEP discount because he knows the chef, and we just... TALK.

I don't need the fancy stuff (I'm not materialistic either), but the codependent in me keeps worrying about what others think. That can't be healthy.

Imo, there's a difference between not wanting to date someone because you are genuinely concerned your differences in lifestyle or education level might present problems in the relationship and not wanting to date someone because you feel they are beneath you.

It's like the difference between a guy not wanting to date a woman because he isn't attracted to her and a guy being attracted to a woman yet not wanting to date her because she isn't conventionally attractive enough to be his trophy girlfriend.

You say that he seems ambitious. I wonder if being around you helps him be more ambitious than he previously had been.

It is also interesting that he has so many helpful connections at good restaurants. To me, that speaks well of him.

On the one hand it matters very little, whether or not your expectations make you seem "stuck up" to some people including yourself or not. You obviously have strong views in this area meaning this is something that is important to you. Go with what you feel is right for you in the end, and it always will be the best idea.

As for the whole situation, I wonder if you might think about a couple things. first, that you're thinking enough about this guy that you would feel torn in any way about the decision says more about how unsure you are whether this is a good decision to pass him up as a potential partner. It's something to think about.

On the plus side there is no way to know 100% whether or not the fact that he is a line cook and doesn't make as much as you'd like would be something that would be a relationship breaker in the future, if the other parts of the relationship end up being strong it may not matter. I know that finances and such are a very common problem in relationships so I'm not brushing it off either but what if this is a guy that's worth risking it? What if he turned out to be such a great guy that he made it all worth it in the end? Yeah we don't know that to be true either but it underscores my point that it could be something that may be insignificant in the grand scheme of things. something else to ponder.

I think lastly, it isn't going to hurt to date someone who you seem to be interested in in spite of those things. He must be someone that stands out for you or we wouldn't be having this conversation. I think that is a stronger point to at least give it some more consideration. Dating someone is far from a commitment anyway, the goal is to find out if they are compatible and worthy of our commitment and devotion.

I would say go for it in my opinion but mostly just some thoughts to ponder - hopefully they help you decide.

That's a very interesting perspective. I fear that subconsciously I may feel that he's beneath me in some way (which is a terrible way to feel), as he's typically NOT the type of guy I would date, but since what I've done in the past hasn't worked, I figured "why not"

...and he was SO persistent. It feels nice top be pursued... so now I worry that I may be more attracted to the ATTENTION instead of him as a person.

I haven't ruled him out... yet, but I keep going back and forth in my head. He's a REALLY nice guy and I can tell he really likes me. I certainly don't want to hurt his feelings or lead him on.

This is a tough one for me. Part of me wants to ditch him because there's no "spark" (which is usually just hormones), while the other part of me thinks I should wait it out a bit more.

I thought of that as well, but I've been a bit burned in the past by the guy who talked a good game but then ended up not taking initiative and DOING anything which became a huge turn-off.

...and while I can appreciate the "hook ups", I wouldn't want to get into the situation where that is an all-the-time occurrence...

I even found myself worrying if my choice of meeting place for our first date was too expensive for him. It wasn't ridiculously extravagant, but I saw the bill. Two appetizers and two rounds of drinks was well over $60.

Honestly, to go to a movie these days is $40 just for the tickets. He seems to want to go out of his way to impress me, and I worry that he may be stretching himself financially...

I'm trying to find things for us to do that aren't expensive, but from time to time, I would like to go someplace nice.

I've even offered to pay half or leave the tip, but he says he doesn't "believe" in that...