My daughter's immaturity

I got upset with my 22 year old daughter about something and now she's not replying to my messages. This is what she always does. It started because I moved from my home state, where my daughter still lives with her dad, but my license to drive expired. I could have gotten a new license here in the state I'm currently in, but they require you to have insurance and i can't afford it. So I decided to see if I could get it renewed for my home state, have it mailed to the address my daughter lives at and have her mail it to me. My daughter said no to that, probably because her dad didn't want me having their address, but said she'd ask my sister if I could use her address. Now my relationship with mom, siblings and relatives is very rocky, but I agreed. My daughter messaged me back shortly, saying my sister said yes, but the way she wrote it made it sound like I was the one who asked. I called her out on it and reminded her I didnt ask. She denied implying that I asked, but I said that's how she was making it sound and told her I hoped she wasn't sharing my business with my sister. She got upset and said she wouldnt "get involved" from now on, which I guess means she won't help me out. She's been ignoring and avoiding my messages. I wish people would grow up sometimes.

You are going to run into the same problem soon with your license plates. In some states they expire at the end of your birthday month. They have to match your drivers license and your insurance. Plus its a law that you have to change your address within 30 days after you move. Plus you may need it to file state and federal income taxes. So this short term fix might not be what you really want. But good luck whatever you decide.

Not the support I was hoping for, but thanks. . .

Yeah, im sorry. I should probably change my username to buzzkill.

Thanks, everybody. ❤

Sorry to be the buzzkill, but I don't think your daughter is immature. Since you should not even have her address, I guess there is some deep family history behind all this.

You asked her for a favor, she couldn't give you what you wanted but tried to find alternatives. She then made an effort to help you anyway and you got mad at her because you were not happy with the solution. Getting mad at someone because 'I didn't ask for it' when in fact you asked for help, just wanted another solution, looks more like you were angry that you had to involve your siblings (that you don't like that much?) and blowing of your frustration onto the wrong person.

She helped you in a way you agreed, she then informed you, You read something into a text. She denied your implication, you didn't believe her. Her cutting the line temporary is a healthy boundary setting behavior for being treated unfairly. She's allowed to have a time out.

If your daughter lives with her father and he doesn’t want you to know his address, then she can’t snd shouldnt be receiving your mail there. It’s also understandable she wants to have some boundaries. I also think it’s a bad idea getting your lisence renewed in a state you don’t live at.

If you're not going to be driving right away anyways because insurance is too much in your new state, why not a simple state issued id in the meantime?

Yes, it sucks that she's now avoiding your calls and texts. Whether it's immaturity or being busy, who knows? How long since you last contacted her?

I live in the insurance fraud capital of the country. They've been towing like crazy for a while now. And staties now scan automatically on the highways on top of it all. I find other state methods interesting.

You can’t drive without car insurance but you certainly can have driver license. Plenty of people have driver lisence but don’t own a car or don’t drive at the moment at all. In fact in order for you to purchase a car and have car insurance you need a license. So it’s the other way around. You get driver license, then you get a car and car insurance.

I think she thinks she was trying to help you out the best way she could think of how; but now feels a bit snubbed in trying to help you out.

Maybe you'll need to text her and say something along the lines of "Sorry for the misunderstanding...." Depends on whether or not you want to repair this with your daughter.

Is this also the daughter whose tax return you tried to fraudulently claim?

You're committing fraud by trying to obtain a driver's license in a state you don't live in. And you're mad at your daughter for trying to help you? She said you couldn't use her address but offered to see if your sister would allow YOU to use her address, you agreed, and you don't think that's YOU asking? It's for YOU, so YOU are the one asking.

I am sorry you are in bad circumstances but that does not mean you get empathy for breaking laws or using deceptions to get what you want.

I really think you would benefit from some professional help. Are you seeing a therapist?

I agree with seesaw that you would benefit from therapy.

Unfortunately you have strained relationship with your kids and one of the reason could be unrealistic expectations of them: wanting them to support fraudulent things like filing taxes or getting driver license fraudulently, wanting them to listen to your speaking poorly about their dad or wanting them to like random men you meet etc etc Most adult kids wouldn’t support any of it as none of is appropriate.

I think I’d really focus on understanding reasonable parental expectations of adult children and improving your relationship with them

Thank you, Divine. That is what I meant, but you put it much better. I think there is a reversed role of the daughter having to parent her mother, in this situation. I agree that therapy focusing on appropriate parental roles would likely help a lot.

Seesaw

Look, I admit I need therapy. I admit i need help. But I cant afford it. I feel so alone . . . Thats why I come here for love and support. Please dont beat up on me. 💔

Not beating, just suggesting how to improve your situation. Did you move for a job? If not, can you get a job? Are you on disability? Did you move alone? Do you have a place to live?

What you are suggesting is illegal.

My province requires by law the replacement of a driver's license within 90dys of the effective date you established residency. As for the plate and registration on the vehicle, you are allowed 180dys. The vehicle will also require a 'safety' certification to operate and license in your new locale.

Don't be caught trying to get around this as you will get into rather heavy trouble for yourself. It is not worth it.

This is not what you want to hear but it is unfair of you to try and get your daughter involved in such a controversy. You are asking her to place herself in an illegal situation and this is unethical.

If you are low income, there are a lot of resources available for low cost, sliding scale therapy and/or support groups. If you have health insurance there are also a lot of in network options available for a small co-pay. Sometimes women’s non-profits and other charities have services available. It may take a little leg work to find, but there are therapy options that can work for a tight budget.

I know you have come here for support, and perhaps helping you get real life support would be the most useful? We can see how much pain you are in over the relationship with your kids. Your distorted view of what is an appropriate parent-child relationship seems to be at the root of this pain, and therapy is the best way to help change distorted thinking. For instance, you titled your thread “my daighter’s immaturity” but that seems to be a misunderstanding. From what you have described, your daughter acted appropriately and you got mad at her anyway, cussing another rift between you. Instead of asking your daughter for favors (many of them illegal) and then getting mad at her when she tries to help you, you could try handling those things yourself? And only using your own address to get insurance or taxes in the legal way? If you stopped trying to game the system (and using your daughter to do so), your relationship with her might improve. Usually, it is the parent who helps the child, so maybe it would help your relationship is you stopped trying to rely on your daughter and took on the adult role. I know you need support for you, too, but that’s where a therapist or support group can come in instead of your children. I hope you are able finding the help you need.

Gee, I am really sorry you are feeling beat up. People have offered you advice. It is not what you want to hear but it is valuable. Is it possible to look at this advice as a way to be constructive. What I mean is that support is not always about agreeing with you. There are times when something more needs to be said. If that gives us a jolt it can be terribly hard for us to read but if that jolt spurs us to a broader understanding then support has in fact been given.