So hopelessly pathetic

I have been having this really bad idea of finding friends. It really ticks me off since feeling lonely has been a new bad thing happening to me. I haven't dated since 2002 and the last time I had anything resembling a friend was 2009. During all that time, I never felt lonely. I blame my realtor which is a long and pathetic story I have documented elsewhere on this board.

I know no one so I have nowhere to start other than online dating sites that allow for people to 'look for friends'. I liked the layout and how okcupid works.

So I put a little blurb about how I am looking for something to do and talked just a little about me. No picture since that always results in getting ignored due to ugliness.

I am 49 and started with 'looking for 40-55'. Seemed reasonably safe. Problem is, there are not too many people in that age range and most looking for long term. I am not at all discriminatory to keep the numbers as large as possible. If they are within 50 miles criteria + have 'looking for friends' regardless of anything else they might be looking for, I like them. No takers, not a big shock. I figure that I should just send them a message cold and should wait until they like me back. I know that women get drowned with messages and I feel my odds of getting a response back if I could figure out what to write to them.

I have no clue what to say, other than 'hello'. I guess that isn't attention grabbing and normal people might see that as very passive. Thing is that saying hello to someone online or IRL is an extremely aggressive move for me.


So a few weeks go by and nothing. I get to the point where I am day dreaming that someone talks to me and then rejects me and that makes me feel happy because she talked to me. Yeah, I know. I just contacted my interior decorator for some help with custom drapes and blinds, but the main reason is so I could have someone to talk to. She tends to sit and talk to me for about 15 minutes or so after business is done. How pathetic is that? I legitimately need her help, but I had blinds down on my todo list and was planning on getting to it this fall. She is a close friend of my realtor and is just as nice and fun to talk to.


Sorry for the digression. Well, after a few weeks of silent rejection I decide to expand my age range down and up a bit. I am only looking for friends so it seems okay to look younger, right? So I went 30-60. No one at all in the 50's so I dropped it to 30-50. Just tons of people in their 30's on that site. So I went through and accepted the people looking for friends and live reasonably close. I don't really look at the pictures but make a mental note of people that look like they are nice, as if I have that sort of social skills. Still nothing for about a week. Then I get a "Hello, David". I guess it is okay just to say hi?


So I predictably panic big time. I look at her profile and she says she is 34 and is cute but looks young. To my old eyes, she looks 23-25 but I pass for 15 years younger and when I was 34 I easily passed for 20. I got it in the AM and was stressing all day so I text my daughter asking her what to say and just describe her like I just did. She asks for her picture so I send it and my daughter freaks out. She is like "Dad, she looks maybe 18 and I wouldn't be surprised if she were 15 or 16". I was shocked to say the least, why would a kid be doing this? No clue. My daughter sends it to two teenage girls that work for her and both say she is probably 15 but trying really hard to look older.


Okay, that is enough for me I think. I didn't engage her at all so there are no legal issues but that really freaked me out. How can I be fooled so badly? Should I just delete my account and work on killing my loneliness? I have been alone for 16 years and really if I am lucky(or unlucky?) I have maybe 30 years left which isn't that far off. If I can do 16 years alone I should be able to do 30 more.



Both my daughters were shocked that I was even on a dating site. They have hardly any memory of me being married and none at all dating. If that gives you an idea of my pathetic level.


I started this post with the intent of asking how to approach women on these sites and maybe profile help but writing out what happened freaked me out all over again and really makes me doubt my social competence. When I was around 20, I could tell the difference between a 19 and 16 year old but I can't figure out a 15+ year difference? Is that a normal thing for old people?

Sorry if I am rambling, let me condense this to a few questions as a tl;dr

1. Am I too socially exceptional to be having friends? Is ugliness and being boring disqualifying also? What about being morbidly obese? I just had my physical and gained a little weight. I am 5'9" 180. That is pretty bad I think. I never look in mirrors but sometimes catch a glimpse and all I see are rolls of fat.

2. If not, how do I approach women online?

3. Is there a gentle way to meet people IRL? I just can't get myself to join a group where I don't know anyone. I can't even talk to my new neighbors and the only couple that introduced themselves to me without stressing out massively. I mow the lawn in 95 degree weather when no one else is outside just so I don't bump into them and they are really nice people!

If anyone thinks I should keep trying I could post my lame profile for pointers if anyone is interested in helping with that sort of thing. This post is way too long as is.

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds

If you are looking for friends, I recommend social groups such as meet-up. Sure I Understand you say it’s hard for you to socialize but you can start by trying one event and then leave early if uncomfortable

I’ve made some nice friends through meetup and even if you don’t make friends, you at least get out and do stuff with people.

I don’t recommend looking for friends on dating sites. “Looking for friends” is a code word for “not looking for commitment and just want to play around”. Women your age won’t reply to that. And in addition you don’t even have a picture. You can be anybody

Also ok Cupid is typically a hook up site so that is why you don’t see too many women your age. As people get older they are more likely to want something more than hook up.

If you want to date decent women your age I’d recommend you try other sites, paid ones. And I don’t recommend saying thst you are looking for friends. And you do need a picture

Now back to meet up idea. Are there any in your area? Movie groups? Walking groups?

Are you seeing a therapist? That might be plane to start working on your self esteem. Looks are subjective. I am not sure about weight. 180lb is not even much. If you are concerned about weight gain do talk to your doctor.

I just saw that you are a veteran, thank you for your service, are there any veteran groups that you can join?

I will try to find an event that maybe doesn't focus on socializing, if that makes sense. If it was a meetup to meet a group of people I don't know who are there to socialize, I have no doubt I won't make it out of the house.

I actually did something like that 20 years ago. My only friend at the time talked me into going to a singles meetup by myself and I ended up talking to no one and leaving after an hour. I guess I am not that assertive anymore.

I was pretty clear that I am looking for actual friends I think. I wrote "I am looking for a friend or three. Someone to have fun with. It would be nice to have someone to go fishing with or hiking or anything really. What do you like to do?". I thought that was pretty clear. I did answer a bunch of their goofy questions but avoided the dating and sex ones.

Even with a picture I can be anybody, right? I am not sure I understand this. I stressed over my realtor taking a picture of me and putting it on her website. Even with friendships it seems that looks is important, which is odd to me.

It seems that all online dating sites are used as hookup sites, but it can't be exclusively for that can it? The ones that claim they are for people looking for friends are blatantly hookup sites and worse.

Paid sites, like e-harmony or whatever that is called? Isn't that dishonest to put myself forward as looking for a relationship when I am not? I am not against the idea of dating I just don't think it is a possibility and it is something I don't think I could handle right now. At any rate it seems impossible to date without having friends. Wouldn't I be wasting their time if they were looking for something more exclusive?

There might be groups, I can look around. I know there are technical meetup groups but I really want to meet people outside of my field. It is embarrassing to have an MS degree yet not be capable of working.

I asked my doctor if I should lose 40 pounds or so, she said no. I don't do therapy. I have found that talking about my issues 2-3 times a week(and that is the number of appointments they say I need) makes them worse. I always get yelled at when I say it but I don't feel like I have self-esteem issues. If I am an ugly and worthless person isn't saying so a good thing?

The only vet groups I know of outside of group therapy are VFW posts and things like that. It is mainly people sitting around getting drunk and talking about their service. I have zero interest in that.

I will look around for groups and thank you for your help and kindness.

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds

Just a note beforehand, I'm responding to this mostly as one of those women on dating sites. It might give you more perspective.

Also apologies if anything here comes off as mean, I've not yet perfected the art of sugar coating words when I think something needs to be said bluntly and there's gonna be some bluntness in here.

First of all, you need to be more fair to yourself. Your BMI is 26.6 when I checked on Google just now. That's only slightly overweight and that is a fact, not an opinion. I'd love to have that BMI. It seems like you're extremely unfair to yourself (calling yourself "ugly and worthless" is not good) and that has to change. Being kinder to yourself is a huge step in gaining self confidence and will help you attract people. Also, if someone truly just wants a friend out of you, looks would not matter. If they need to know what you look like then they're after more than friendship.

Second, I agree with divine that going to dating sites looking for friends isn't a great idea. It would look pretty creepy to me if I saw an older guy just looking for friends on there, honestly (I never look above 40 though). Try looking for different interest groups online for your hobbies, these can be forum communities or chat groups or even IRL groups. So for instance say you're into model trains, just Google something like "model train community". You said you like fishing, so I looked up "find a fishing buddy" on Google and there's actual sites for that. I didn't look into them to see if they were good or not, but you can try it out.

Third, adding everyone and anyone who you don't even have anything in common with, just that they're close to you, and just saying "hi" is definitely not going to work. Even with topics to talk about, conversation on dating sites often die fast, and that's with things in common. I personally don't even bother if I see I have nothing in common with someone, especially if all they can come up with in their message is "hi"... It seems so low effort and I'm not that great at small talk myself, so I feel it's not worth bothering with.

You are not morbidly obese.

I do not believe that you are ugly and you are definitely not worthless.

The fact that you entertain the above in your mind shows that you do in fact have a self esteem issue.

Who said that you need to go to therapy 2-3 times per week? I am skeptical about that. I do think that some form of traditional therapy, once a week, could be very helpful for you.

I like bluntness so thanks.

How is looking for friends creepy? That really bothers me to be called that. I guess it would help explain why I am alone. Is it the age range I settled on that is creepy? I wouldn't date a 30 year old even if I could but is it wrong to talk to one? It seems like by that age they would be fully adult and is there something wrong with two adults talking and hanging out casually?

There are a fair amount of women on that site close-ish to my age that say they are looking for friends. It seems the rules for men and women are different I guess. If I were looking for a hookup, I would say so. There is a check box for that so why would they not say that instead of 'looking for friends'?

It seems that I truly am socially inept, huh?

I am very honest and earnest about looking for friends and it is not just because I am not attractive to anyone. I don't think I am mentally in a place where I am ready for that sort of thing. Perhaps I am not ready for friends, even the most casual of friendships?

I think I am kind and fair to myself. It is not like I post on those sites that I am, I just feel like putting my thought process out here is helpful in getting to the root of my issues.

I haven't said hi or anything to anyone. Few people write enough to know if I have anything in common or enough to be able to say anything but hi. I do scan their profile quickly if I see things like energetic or always on the go I pass since I couldn't keep up with them with my physical and MH issues or if they are looking for a hookup. Things like that. I think I end up liking less than 50% of the profiles so I don't think I am taking a shotgun approach. But I definitely need to cast as wide of a net as possible. As a woman, you probably don't need to. I dunno.

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds

When I was in therapy that is how often I went. If I missed an appointment, or even cancelled she would call the police to do a wellness check.

Last summer I did go to six therapy sessions for insomnia. She is the care coordinator at my VA hospital and she is the one to talk to to start the process to see someone in MH. She told me I probably need to see someone a lot, at least once a week but twice or more would be better. At the end of the last insomnia session she told me to please call her to get seen by a regular therapist because she doesn't even know where to start with me and also said "you need so much help".

Our appointments were supposed to be 45 minutes but often went 2-3 hours and she feels we haven't scratched the surface? I don't think I am that bad. I just bought a house and am keeping up on it plus improving it inside and out so how bad could I be doing?

Even my oldest daughter says I am doing well and she thinks I could date. She is the first one to tell me I am getting worse and has no issues telling me so in very blunt terms. She said that I would be attractive to someone because "you have your life sorted out and have no stupid drama going on".


If I am not obese than why do I see nothing but fat?

Sorry for the long posts.

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds

It sounds like you have many things going for you. Having and maintaining and improving your house are all great things!

In my view, 45 minutes sessions should last 45 minutes. There can be another session next week.

If a therapist believes that she unable to treat you, she should refer you at once to someone who can.

Why did the therapist call the police if you missed or cancelled a session?

You can calculate your BMI on line. You are not obese. If all you see is fat, in my view it is probably because you have a self-esteem issue. This is something to address in regular therapy.

You would have to ask her why she called the police. The last time I was in therapy it ended with getting committed and that was no fun. Not long after that, I pulled the plug on therapy and got much better. I don't know if I am in a decent state right now but I think I am okay. I got committed in the middle of a semester in college. I missed 7 days of class and I went AMA to go back to class and they told me I wasn't ready or capable of school right now.

I finished that term on the dean's list. I have little trust in therapists and pdocs and not just for this reason.

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds

Looking for friends is not creepy. Something you probably don't consider though is that there are guys your age and older who look for younger girls so they can have someone younger to sleep with and spend money on and whatnot. Sometimes they even put on this facade of just wanting to be friends. Some girls like that idea, a "sugar daddy" they call those types of men. That really young girl who contacted you was probably looking for such a thing.

I've had to learn this one the hard way myself. People aren't always honest about what they want, either with themselves or others, and the meanings of those checkboxes can vary between person to person. For some they can check that box but it really means "looking for friends to turn into more than friends". They could also check it because they want to seem friendly, even if they aren't interested in friends. People might also be very picky about their friends.

It's frustrating, yes.

That's gonna require you to do some soul searching on that. From what you've said here I worry for you that you're acting out of desperation and might end up getting hurt because of it instead of finding healthy friendships. Loneliness is very painful too, yes. It's a tough spot to be in. Having been hurt a few times and being afraid of it keeps me from making desperate moves, maybe even to a fault.

Well I won't push it beyond this one last time, but it's definitely not kind to yourself to say what you do.

"I have no clue what to say, other than 'hello'." That part from your first post is where I got the simple "hi" thing from, sorry if I misunderstood. It's good that you don't just go to everyone.

Well I'm not a guy so I can't say what it's like on your side, but because I'm not a pretty or really social and happy I have a much harder time than most other gals in getting people to like me. I pretty much get ignored or outright told "no" no matter how much I have in common with someone on these sites because of my appearance mainly. I only have any luck making friends by joining online communities.

It’s not creepy to look for friends. I was missing friends in my life so I look for them through meetups. Dating sites are “dating” sites where people looking for dating, not friends. And if you only want friends, why do they have to be women?

I am not saying you can’t look for friends on dating sites, but your chances will be slim.

Therapist can’t make you stay for 3 hours. When time is up, you leave. They can’t hold you in their office against your will

They don't have to be women. It is just that most of my friends in my life have been women. Including high school, I can count 4 guys that I have been close to. Exclude that and the number is 1 guy. For some reason I gravitate towards women friends. I did put looking for people in my profile as opposed to looking for women but I wouldn't expect to hear from a guy.

Even my new neighbors are like that. The wife talks to me much more than her husband. That actually feels normal to me.

She didn't make me stay that long, that is how long we ended up talking. She handles assigning patients to therapists and pdocs and does CBT-I so she has a more open schedule than the therapists do. Despite that she claims she hasn't scratched the surface with me. I thought it was odd too. My regular doctor contacted her after my last physical because she saw something odd with me. I feel the same as always, which admittedly isn't a great place to be but isn't dire.

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds

Roughly how long ago were you in college and got committed and had the police called?

It might be time to give therapy another try, despite those experiences in college.

Those incidents have been awhile. Since I am ex-military it is not like it was when I was 19 or something. I was in my early 30's.

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds

It’s possible that VA coordinator thought you were in some type of crisis do she called police for check up and possibly you were commited because they believed you were in a bad shape. Since you are doing better I don’t see why therapist would call police or commit you. You also won’t need to see her or him for such long sessions or that often. Once a week or once in two weeks sounds reasonable. Good therapist could suggest ways to make friends too