So very confused

I've been doing a lot of thinking over the last few weeks (months, probably) about who I am, what I'm feeling (or not feeling) and where my life is going. I believe I've taken steps to improve my life and be better at looking after myself, but I still feel so clueless about what’s next. Obviously I'm not naive enough to think I would have solved all of my problems on my own in such a (relatively) short space of time, but I would like to feel like I've made some tangible progress. I *still* don’t really feel like I’ve gone anywhere.

Perhaps part of the problem is the fact that I don't have anyone I feel I can talk to about this. I do have a social life, but I don't feel sufficiently close to any of my friends to talk to them about these immensely personal issues. I do a lot of self-examination and, while it has helped a little, I feel like I've reached an impasse of sorts - I can't make any further process on my own. There are areas where I know I'm unhappy (sometimes I might even know why), but I don't know what to do to correct/deal with it.

I guess I don’t know what the best thing to do from here is.

Maybe a therapist can help you.

——support groups give some insights and friendships

Maybe either work on the acceptance of what makes you unhappy or find something with a purpose to correct it or distract/move on from it?

What do you mean by this? I'm a little bit confused. Could you apply some context to this (even if it's made up)? I can't completely understand this when it's just hypothetical.

Finding acceptance with the way your life is currently is acceptance of where your life is. Saying to yourself, ok, this is the reality of my life, who I am etc.

Finding purpose and meaning to distract from not being satisfied with your current course in life means finding a hobby, a volunteer opportunity, etc. Something that you can look forward to giving you a sense of purpose. Find a cause to put your energy into.

Ok. I think I understand what you’re saying. I do have a question though: What do you mean by “accepting” the situation? To me, accepting the way things currently are feels a bit like I’m resigning myself to it. I’ve certainly acknowledged the fact and I recognise that I’m feeling sad, but where do I go from here? I don’t want to just go “I’m sad. This is my life now”

For reference, I do have several things I do to keep me busy and to enjoy myself. I try to keep active and do a lot of sport, because I enjoy being active and I find it fun. I try to socialise and keep in touch with friends and family. I also try to eat healthily and get enough sleep (although that’s sometimes easier said than done).

Obviously having these things as distractions is good, but, if I’m not doing anything to deal with the underlying cause, surely things won’t ever get better, unless I just really on blind hope to sort things out.

I guess I'm struggling to understand why acceptance is resignation to a sense of hopelessness? :\ maybe it depends on what is to be accepted?

What do you think is the area of your life that has reached an impasse and that you need to move on from? Is it your job, your relationship or your how you spend your time? Not doing something that is fulfilling or working a job just to get the paycheck and afraid of taking risks to find another more meaningful ways to spend your time? It's detailed like this because this I what I'm going through right now. So I can relate to you, but I have a specific reason to feel that way though.

That’s true. I suppose it depends on how we define those words as well. I guess I tend to think of the word “acceptance” as an understanding of how things are (and will continue to be). Of course, that might not be the other way other people interpret those same words, so it’s probably just a misunderstanding on my part. Sorry about that.

It’s not to do with work, or my free time. I started a new job a few months ago and, although it takes time to settle, I think it’s going fine. I keep myself busy outside of work and, while I might sometimes spread myself a bit thin, I do all of these things because I enjoy them (fun/exercise/socialising/learning new skills etc.) and I make sure I give myself a free evening (or whatever) if I’m feeling overwhelmed.

The “impasse” is in the relationship part of my life, although there’s no relationship to speak of at the moment. (It’s tough to put the issue into exact words, but I’ll give it a go) Leaving aside the whole thing of meeting someone you’re compatible with, I don’t feel capable of having a relationship now, and I’ve felt like this for over two years. Essentially I’m sick of feeling like this (because it’s not a good thing to feel) and I don’t know what to do about it. I know it’s fine to not want a relationship, but it’s not like I’m getting over a recent breakup, or taking the time to focus on my career/another aspect of my life; this has been a persistent feeling in my life. I’d quite like to meet someone and start a relationship, but I don’t think I’m capable of doing it. (For reference: I have had relationships/dated previously, but not usually for longer than a few months and none for longer than 18 months).

I’m don’t let my singledom rule my life. A lot of my friends are couples (or parts of couples) and I get along with them the same as my single friends (as long as they aren’t being overly cutesy, because that’s seriously annoying). I just feel like, not only is this part of my life not going anywhere, there’s some kind of emotional obstacle in place preventing things from ever going anywhere. I’ve done self examination to look at myself and try to improve aspects of my life (new job, hobbies I enjoy etc.), but I’m drawing a blank on what to do here. Obviously I’ll just carry on with my life, but, aside from carrying on waiting and just hoping I’ll suddenly feel emotionally capable of having a relationship one day, what can I do?

That’s true. I suppose it depends on how we define those words as well. I guess I tend to think of the word “acceptance” as an understanding of how things are (and will continue to be). Of course, that might not be the other way other people interpret those same words, so it’s probably just a misunderstanding on my part. Sorry about that.

It’s not to do with work, or my free time. I started a new job a few months ago and, although it takes time to settle, I think it’s going fine. I keep myself busy outside of work and, while I might sometimes spread myself a bit thin, I do all of these things because I enjoy them (fun/exercise/socialising/learning new skills etc.) and I make sure I give myself a free evening (or whatever) if I’m feeling overwhelmed.

The “impasse” is in the relationship part of my life, although there’s no relationship to speak of at the moment. (It’s tough to put the issue into exact words, but I’ll give it a go) Leaving aside the whole thing of meeting someone you’re compatible with, I don’t feel capable of having a relationship now, and I’ve felt like this for over two years. Essentially I’m sick of feeling like this (because it’s not a good thing to feel) and I don’t know what to do about it. I know it’s fine to not want a relationship, but it’s not like I’m getting over a recent breakup, or taking the time to focus on my career/another aspect of my life; this has been a persistent feeling in my life. I’d quite like to meet someone and start a relationship, but I don’t think I’m capable of doing it. (For reference: I have had relationships/dated previously, but not usually for longer than a few months and none for longer than 18 months).

I don’t let my singledom rule my life. A lot of my friends are couples (or parts of couples) and I get along with them the same as my single friends (as long as they aren’t being overly cutesy, because that’s seriously annoying). I just feel like, not only is this part of my life not going anywhere, there’s some kind of emotional obstacle in place preventing things from ever going anywhere. I’ve done self examination to look at myself and try to improve aspects of my life (new job, hobbies I enjoy etc.), but I’m drawing a blank on what to do here. Obviously I’ll just carry on with my life, but, aside from carrying on waiting and just hoping I’ll suddenly feel emotionally capable of having a relationship one day, what can I do?

Ahh, I see. It makes sense. At the end of the day, after staying fulfilled in every aspect of life but that, nightfalls.
Then the strife, to pursue that aspect or let it go another day? As it's common knowledge to not let desperation of desire cloud judgement. And if to actively put oneself out there, is it going to result in the same old ending and back to square one? Something like that?

Incapable as in you can’t keep your partner happy? Can’t keep yourself happy or both?

First of all, sorry for not replying for such a long time – I’ve had a really busy last few days (mainly because of work) and I’ve been kind of worn out. I’ve also been trying to think about what you’ve both said. I want to make sure I’m giving proper answers to your questions. I just wanted to say that I haven't been ignoring you (or your questions); it's just taken me some time to respond. Thank you for your responses too.

I don’t focus excessively on relationships/being single, because, well, that’s common advice when people talk about relationships – if you want to meet someone and if you don’t want to be alone, you can’t focus too much on it. You have to go on living your life and sorting yourself out and then, eventually, you’ll meet someone who’s compatible with you. So I do that. I do stuff because I enjoy it; I keep in touch with current friends and try to make new ones. Keeping myself busy is all well and good, but, as you say, the day/night/week ends and you don’t have anyone to go to/with. It’s just a bit demoralising sometimes, especially if you know lots of people who are in relationships (whether they’re overly couply or not, it still reminds you that you are alone).

I’ve occasionally fallen into the trap of going out/hooking up with someone, with whom I’m just not compatible (I’m sure a lot of people have). Obviously we know it’s not sensible and it barely ever works out for anyone (it never has for me), but, as you say, we do it because we’re desperate and/or tired of being alone. Like you say, sometimes we just get tired of trying. Being alone can be bad sometimes, but trying something with someone and having it not work out can be so much worse, so, playing the odds, it seems better to deal with the low-level sadness, rather than risk the absolute lows of rejection/feelings of incompatibility.

Hmm… Interesting question. The answer is probably both, but I’m not sure whether those two are independent, or if one causes the other, which perpetuates the cycle. I’m always worried I’m not keeping the other person happy (I’d have to keep asking questions like “Are you feeling alright?” “Are you having fun?” “Do you want to do something else?” etc) I’d just worry about making someone do something they’re not comfortable with (although, given most of the people I’ve been with, they’d definitely say something). Of course, it’s good to make sure the other person is at ease with whatever’s going on, but I feel I ask more than most people do (just a feeling).

As for keeping myself happy, I probably just keep overthinking things. I’ve been single for such a long time that, in the event I do actually meet someone, I’ll get stuck in a cycle of thinking either the person doesn’t like me, or convince myself that they aren’t a match and things won’t work. I know I shouldn’t go in with such a defeatist attitude, but it’s tough to stop. But it’s also true that sometimes you go out with someone and you don’t feel anything/there is no chemistry between you, so how am I supposed to tell the difference? Do I not feel anything *because* there’s no chemistry, or do I not feel anything because I’m just internally worrying myself?

I feel that some of this is conjecture. Some days/weeks I feel I have a concrete idea of why this makes me sad, but then that certainty goes away/changes. I just worry. Maybe that’s my thing. I need to correct this before I can make progress, but I don’t know how.