Emotional affair

Thanks for adding more history about him, it helps with understanding his behavior patterns. What I am reading is that your husband's main influences in his life were all women. He did not really experience any real male role models. I don't think he has gotten over the loss of his mother either. Even though he did not want to move back home when that other relationship fell apart, he did find comfort in knowing that was there for him if he needed it. I also think that your husband gets his sense of self esteem when he can either mother or be mothered and that's why when your child was born he began to embrace being in a kind of "mothering" role while you were busy working. I think it was a huge challenge for him when you insisted he work and contribute financially. I think doing that scared him, to the point where he cried about it. Also, sometimes the fear of getting married has more to do with never actually being able to observe an actual "marriage" while growing up as his mother was divorced and he was raised by his mother and grandmother.

I think that his complaining about your marriage to this older woman had/has a lot more to do with his own low self esteem. When you told him he had to work you pushed him to grow up and when he found this woman who had such a playful personality, he began to put her in a mothering role that he could vent his frustrations to about how he was so unhappy that you pushed him into having to grow up and make a living. Also, from what you have shared he needed this woman to respond to his child part when "mommy I got hurt, kiss my boo boo and make it better". That is what he was doing when he had that pinched nerve and took that selfie that he needed to share with this older woman. You were the bad guy because you don't "mother" him, you want him to grow up. It sounds like your husband never really "matured" and went through the stage of learning how to be independent. It sounds like he went from living with mommy, to living with that older woman to living with you and missed a stage of development.

So, you have been with him for 16 years and that means he was only 24 when you both started your relationship and before that he was with a woman 18 years older for two years when he was only about 22ish? Did he ever go to college or be on his own?

I think your husband is lying about them just being friends. The joking and convos with his friends and all other details point to him having more than platonic feelings. There is no reason for him to have a butt picture from her. That’s sexually suggestive. Seems he did emotionally cheat on you. So what do you do now? Can you trust him again? He should have deleted her photos out of respect for you but refused. Clearly he cares a lot more for this woman than he lets on. I wouldn’t tolerate that for one minute. If it were me I’d be separated at this point. He is lying to you.

Open eyes, thank you so much, I truly think you on to something like healingme4me stated as well!!
Nope went from mom/grandmas to living together. And even made a comment when he were talking about separating about needing a roommate (which he wouldn’t financially need but he believes he would)

See here the odd thing too, I do mother him in a lot of sense too. Your comments really have me thinking about a lot of things. His neck has been bothering him for months and I’m always getting him ice or heating pad or icy hot etc for his neck (and shoulder... the neck can cause shoulder pain) then when they had him on a steroidand Ibuprofen 800 , I made sure I packed his pills so he took them on time. I just always thought of it as being a good wife but I guess I do baby him.

I agree! I have no idea how to even begin rebuilding trust, honestly. He was only back in the job force for 4 months (after being a sahd for 5 years) before the butt pictures and the emotional affair started. Luckily for me, she retired but I’ll be honest with you, I never thought I would have gone through all of this.

So he has only been working for 4 months? It doesn't even sound like his job is all that challenging either, more something that doesn't require much educational skills. From what you have shared your husband's maturity level is reflecting that of a much younger individual who doesn't really know how to actually be an adult and tends to be why he is attracted to older women too. It looks like your husband just wants a long term "mommy" so he can continue to avoid growing up. He most likely isn't even consciously aware of this either. Sometimes this is a sign of being on the autistic spectrum too where the individual simply doesn't have the ability to mature.

Four months in to employment is when it began all began (I didn’t find out for months about the emotional affair, he’s been there a little over a year now. And you would be correct, it’s a vendor position (basically stock shelves of their products in numerous locations)

It’s all very possible! Thank you for your insight. He did struggle through school and always thought he possibly had undiagnosed ADHD growing up.
I’ve been the opposite, after the birth of our daughter,got a bachelors in business administration and also worked full time while obtaining my degree.

You are welcome, I am not a professional and am not diagnosing but just thinking about some of what you have shared that could be red flags to him possibly having a challenge where his behaviors are signaling an issue that's not just about him being unfaithful, but instead that he might be on the spectrum, sometimes someone on the spectrum may appear to have ADHD as symptoms can look so similar, yet individuals with ADHD can actually do rather well when it comes to being more independent and capable. I have read that a person can also have both challenges too. He would have to be tested by a professional in order to get an accurate diagnoses. At any rate, it sounds to me like your H has a self esteem problem and with you being so much more capable and self sufficient he may need to find another way of getting his ego boosted which is what he seemed to get from this much older woman. Hey, you were so much younger when you started this relationship, you just did not see this challenge, this happens. Well, now you are recognizing some things about your H that you have to decide if you can continue living with or not. He may never mature to a point where he is a "normal" partner for you in terms of being able to overcome his low self esteem issues and needing to have a partner that can "mother" him. His reluctance to completely let go of this affection he has for this other older woman may mean he will look for a way to stay connected with her. It's VERY possible that he himself doesn't understand this "need" in himself. You could try seeing if you can find a counselor and meet with this counselor together and apart and clue this individual in to your concerns, sometimes a counselor can see the challenge for what it is and offer you support with the decision you make as to what to do about your relationship and your future.

If your husband has a problem (ADHD or Autistic Spectrum etc) he can't change then it's pointless to demand and punish, after all, he is what he is and it's better you understand that and base your decisions without needlessly spinning your wheels assuming he is capable of more than he actually is and therefore is "cheating" on you etc., etc. understand? Also, it's not unusual for the individual to NOT know they have a problem too. Some challenges once diagnosed can benefit from finally learning about one's own challenges and how to better manage this challenge.