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Marriedandconfused8
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Default Jul 23, 2018 at 10:48 AM
  #1
My husband had an emotional affair spanning from October to June with a lady for sake of saying was a coworker (not really a coworker, my husband is a vendor that visits stores to stock the product and has one account that consumes his time) He was a stay at home day prior for 5 years.
Well I would hear reference about this lady quite often, but didn’t think to much about it. Over time I had discovered they text regularly, he texted her often about how he would need to see her smile to brighten his day(he never complements me for anything, and he knows that hurts me), he would send her “I love ya” which is supposedly different than I love you that he sends me (I guess the you makes the difference) and even how a certain songs makes him think of her and they have nicknames for each other. And never mentioned me via text, even excluded me a time when he didn’t have to. I know they would talk about our relationship though cause in one of her text she referred to his hell of a home life.
He has tons of pictures which I also discover and some taken when she didn’t know, some were selfies they took and some of her Butt which supposed was a joke. My husband is 40 this lady is 61 and also married.
For months i would find out little pieces of info at a time, in my head I thought it was my anxiety and I was losing my mind. Then I would sneak and read their Facebook or text messages and I would feel very uncomfortable about their messages and he would continue to say they were just friends. It was clearly more that.
The final straw was she was retiring the end of may, and he was supposed to end contact with her the day after she retired cause he didn’t want to ruin her day. I tried to be understanding. Well the day after she retired, he sent her on both Facebook and text how she was his best friend and the only person he could talk to and how he cried all night she quit and how much he missed her etc. Never mentioned they had to end all communication. Just really lovey.

They were planning on getting lunch together and I had already allowed that once before she quit and told my husband I was upset he planed the 1st one behind my back but I let him because I figured it would help with closure. Days before she retired Well they once again tried to plan a 2nd one behind my back and I got angry and said if they had a second I would separate. Well it cause 3 days of fighting and he said some really nasty things to me and they didn’t have lunch and he was upset and crying cause she felt bad.

Well I read the text he sent her and saw the best friend reference and she replied I ruin everything. I saw red!!!! Me ruin everything, I’ve been going thru an emotional roller coaster for months!!!
So I text her never to contact my husband again and blocked her from his phone and Facebook.
Then he states he would have liked to stay Facebook friends but had no plans on messaging her again and the text he sent her was going to be the last (I really can’t by that, who tells someone they are his best friend on two different means of communication but says he wasn’t going to contact her after that... ya right!!! But he said I’m wrong and he wasn’t going to text her after that and that’s why he can’t talk to me cause I’m always right.

My husband came to his senses and he realizes he crossed the line on something but overall still views it as they were best friend and claims he wasn’t physically attracted to her (I also found crude jokes he would make to guy friends about her and if she was single he would marry her and she “needs to put out” but supposedly that’s just guy talk...smh)

Well a month and a half in to trying to repair our marriage, my husband did say he was sorry for hurting me and he truly does love me and wants to work things out (which I had to send my feelings thru text cause the few times I try to talk to him face to face, even calmly, he gets super defensive) tried to schedule counseling but the only free counseling in the area requires the college student to record it for the professor but after I scheduled it, he refused to go because he felt weird about being recorded. Says we can talk it out ourselves but he’s defensive when I try.

My issue now is he has all the pictures still on his phone, refuses to delete them cause that’s just his friend and he misses her and it’s not fair for me to ask for him to delete them Even though it is his phone, it still bothers the heck out of me he has them. Especially how many times I saw him refer to needing to see her smile via text. And the knowledge that he has them and probably smiles every time he looks at them.

Part of me wants to sneak and delete them all, but I know that will start a fight on invading his personal stuff. But I really just want them all gone! Am I being unreasonable?
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Smile Jul 23, 2018 at 01:52 PM
  #2
Hello Marriedandconfused: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

Here are links to a selection of articles, from PsychCentral's archives. The first 6 address the subject of emotional affairs from the perspective of the person who's having the affair. So these are actually more relevant to your husband. However perhaps they can provide you with some insight as well. Plus, if you feel you can, perhaps you might consider sharing them with your husband. And then there is a link to an article on dealing with betrayal, followed by 2 articles on the subject of personal boundaries within relationships or marriage:

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relat...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/3-sure...tional-affair/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-ways...dium=popular17

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relat...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/12-way...tional-affair/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/12-ste...n-to-a-person/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/dealin...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-he...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...your-marriage/

My best wishes to you both...
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Default Jul 23, 2018 at 02:38 PM
  #3
Welcome to PC

I don't think it's unreasonable to be angry with your husband.

Monitoring him, on the other hand, is only going to get you more and more unnerved.

The damage has already been done. The question is, where do you go from here?
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Default Jul 23, 2018 at 03:15 PM
  #4
Thank you both!
That’s it too, I’m not sure. I do love him, I’m just insanely hurt and feel betrayed. Every time we would fight over the months, he would use it to get closer to her.
And the love I feel for him feels so different, like a guarded love. He has been more loving towards me in the past month and a half, just all the things that happen I’m having a hard time getting past. Both his actions towards her in the past, and his words as well to her and when I ended it, he was so nasty to me.

I know that he has all those pictures(no nudes but pictures of her butt and selfies and random picture of her working) he said I’m being unfair to ask him to delete them, that they are on his phone and I shouldn’t worry about them. He use to tell her all the time that he couldn’t wait to see her smile via text so the thought that he has like 30 pictures of her all smiling that he cherishes hurts. But that’s just his “best friend” (mind you they met at work, they didn’t know each other prior and emotional affair lasted for 8 months)

Am I being unfair to ask him to delete them? Am I overstepping his personal space by asking them to be gone.

Thanks!!!
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Default Jul 23, 2018 at 10:49 PM
  #5
Hello there,

You have been through a lot. I once read that emotional cheating is worse than physical cheating. It’s been a while since I was in a relationship. However the last one I was in me and the guy both threw away pictures of our old boyfriends/girlfriends. We cleared out our phones too. I do not believe you’re being unreasonable. Your husband should want you to feel comfortable and respected.

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Default Jul 25, 2018 at 10:01 PM
  #6
This woman is 21 years older than your husband. It sounds like she is more motherly with him kinda friend. Maybe she just was a "friendly" person who noticed him and he liked that about this customer too. Plus not only is she so much older but she is also married too. Did you husband have any other friends? I am wondering about that considering he was staying at home for so many years. Maybe she just boosted his self esteem and he looked forward to talking to her because of that.
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Default Jul 26, 2018 at 01:25 PM
  #7
Perhaps this woman was a kind of "therapist" for your husband, did you ever consider that? Men can have a harder time emotionally and they can get very lonely. Perhaps that was something your husband was experiencing and then he met this older woman who had/has a more positive outlook on life and he found her a very pleasant person to be around and part of that could also include that because she was also older and married, she was safer in that the relationship actually was really "just" a friendship relationship.

I think that you want certain things from your husband that he genuinely doesn't "know" how to provide for you. A friendship like you describe can become an actual vehicle for learning and in this learning can help him see relationships in a new more positive light overall. Perhaps through this woman he was learning how to be more of a free spirit instead of feeling "alone" and having to know how to be a perfect husband or anything perfect for that matter. And that is part of these butt jokes in that one can learn to laugh and another's big butt instead of embracing perfection and criticism. When someone's smile imprints in one's mind, often it's not so much the smile, it's all the things behind the smile that revolved around looking at life in a much more lighthearted way that can be so freeing. I bet she makes him laugh and laughter is ALWAYS good medicine.

Do you ever just "laugh" together? Or is everything just serious. Did you ever think about getting to know this woman yourself? You may actually like her yourself, but that will not happen if you only see her as a threat or some kind of competition.
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Default Jul 26, 2018 at 02:36 PM
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Sorry you had to go through that. Yes, you are within your rights to ask him to delete those photos. He was wrong, he needs to own it. Good luck.

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Default Jul 26, 2018 at 02:43 PM
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I don't actually feel like it's necessarily "wrong" for a man or woman to have a best friend outside of their marriage or romantic relationship. And if there aren't suggestive photos, I don't think it's necessary to require that photos be deleted. But it does sound like your marriage needs work because you don't have the kind of intimate emotional relationship that you desire to have, and that is understandable. I'm sorry that you feel hurt and I wish you all the best.
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Default Jul 26, 2018 at 09:14 PM
  #10
My husband has numerous women friends. Doesn’t bother me.

But if a marriage isn’t going great then I could see a problem.

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Default Jul 26, 2018 at 09:29 PM
  #11
You get to say if he crossed the line. How would he act with the shoe on the other foot?
You need to talk this out between you. Work on that counselor again maybe.
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Default Jul 26, 2018 at 10:01 PM
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I don't know. I still lean towards a crossing of a line. "i look forward to seeing your smile everyday" certainly doesn't feel like "hey did you see that game? That new article in whatever magazine? Etc" that's more innocent of friendships. I've usually heard it told that if sharing of relationship woes comes up there's a line crossed or if things are said that would typically be reserved for your spouse or partner, lines have been crossed.

There are therapies out there to look into for rekindling a relationship even after betrayal. Is you husband interested in helping you work through this?
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Default Jul 27, 2018 at 02:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
Perhaps this woman was a kind of "therapist" for your husband, did you ever consider that? Men can have a harder time emotionally and they can get very lonely. Perhaps that was something your husband was experiencing and then he met this older woman who had/has a more positive outlook on life and he found her a very pleasant person to be around and part of that could also include that because she was also older and married, she was safer in that the relationship actually was really "just" a friendship relationship.

I think that you want certain things from your husband that he genuinely doesn't "know" how to provide for you. A friendship like you describe can become an actual vehicle for learning and in this learning can help him see relationships in a new more positive light overall. Perhaps through this woman he was learning how to be more of a free spirit instead of feeling "alone" and having to know how to be a perfect husband or anything perfect for that matter. And that is part of these butt jokes in that one can learn to laugh and another's big butt instead of embracing perfection and criticism. When someone's smile imprints in one's mind, often it's not so much the smile, it's all the things behind the smile that revolved around looking at life in a much more lighthearted way that can be so freeing. I bet she makes him laugh and laughter is ALWAYS good medicine.

Do you ever just "laugh" together? Or is everything just serious. Did you ever think about getting to know this woman yourself? You may actually like her yourself, but that will not happen if you only see her as a threat or some kind of competition.
Thank you!

I actually have thought of a lot of those points this thru out whole experience (lack of friends, etc) and you have made some really good
points!

Although the age difference, my husband ex right before me was 18 years older than him and he wanted to marry her but she ended up unfortunately caught back in an addiction (she was a former addict) and they broke up.

The butt pictures would bother me cause he would text another male vendor all the time how nice her butt was, and how he would marry her if she was single and some crude jokes as well (sexual in nature)

Added with the fact I’ve was excluded from his conversation with her. Example, he had pinched nerve in his arm and I ran him to the er cause we didn’t know if it was a heart attack or something of the sorts. That’s how he found it was a pinched nerved. The second I left the room to have a cigarette, he took pictures of himself in the hospital bed and the second we were in the car leaving the hospital he sent the pictures and said how much he wished he could call but their were other people in the room (aka me and I still thought they were just friends at the point in time, so I would have no problem with him calling her) and told her he had a tia stroke.

He would lie to her to see if she cared and for the attention if the only reason I can think of. That’s only one example, I have many more examples.

We use to get alone great, laugh and joke around a lot but life at that time was beating us down. He hated he had to work, I think in some ways was made him resentful of me he had to. I use to make very good money and financial could afford to have him be a stay at home dad. But when I switched job, I needed him to go back to work and we were financially sinking. He tried to quit 3 days into his job and I told him he couldn’t unless he found something else.

He would take pictures of himself crying after we would fight (over her) and say he was depressed and alone and of course he would respond by being more attentive to him via Facebook messager or text which would cause us to fight more... a vicious cycle
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Default Jul 27, 2018 at 02:52 PM
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Thanks everyone for all your perspectives! I really appreciate all of you!
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Default Jul 27, 2018 at 03:33 PM
  #15
Your latest post ? yes I feel he is crossing the line, big time now..

I would have a very honest conversation and insist on Therapy .. You might want a Therapist just for yourself to process all this and decide what you need and want. what is okay for you and not..

Im sorry this is happening to you

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Default Jul 27, 2018 at 07:35 PM
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Thanks for responding to my post Marriedanconfused, with what you added I think your husband would prefer being mothered and have a wife that worked and payed the bills etc. while he could be a bit of a child that stayed home with the children. Well, some men are like that and prefer to have the woman go out and work for everything. I have noticed that, and often outgoing professional women can attract this kind of man unknowingly too. Hmm, guess he wants to be mothered. Just out of curiosity what was his relationship with his mother?
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Default Jul 27, 2018 at 08:50 PM
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Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
Thanks for responding to my post Marriedanconfused, with what you added I think your husband would prefer being mothered and have a wife that worked and payed the bills etc. while he could be a bit of a child that stayed home with the children. Well, some men are like that and prefer to have the woman go out and work for everything. I have noticed that, and often outgoing professional women can attract this kind of man unknowingly too. Hmm, guess he wants to be mothered. Just out of curiosity what was his relationship with his mother?
His mother and father divorced when he was 10-12ish. He was raised by his mom and grandma and a uncle with schizophrenia .She passed away about 6 years ago from breast cancer. His mom was the kind of woman who would go above and beyond for her children and grandchildren, just a overall great woman. There was just the two children, his sister who was older by a year and my husband.
I know when his mom tried to date years after the divorce, she never felt she could cause my husband would give her a hard time. And from the stories I heard about him growing up, it sounded like she did what ever she could to make him happy.

Last edited by Marriedandconfused8; Jul 27, 2018 at 10:40 PM..
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Default Jul 27, 2018 at 11:24 PM
  #18
Hmm, you say he was married before you to a woman who was 18 years his senior, was that woman a provider? I know she had addiction issues however a person can have that challenge and actually be a high functioning bread winner.

Also, was this ex of his abusive in any way, do you know what that marriage was like and how long that marriage was?
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Default Jul 28, 2018 at 12:19 AM
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Hmm, you say he was married before you to a woman who was 18 years his senior, was that woman a provider? I know she had addiction issues however a person can have that challenge and actually be a high functioning bread winner.

Also, was this ex of his abusive in any way, do you know what that marriage was like and how long that marriage was?
My apologies. His ex girlfriend. But he did live with her for almost 2 years. Yes they sounded like the fought physically a bit when she relapse. But to be honest, I’m unsure the extent and who would start the hitting, she was a feisty woman when she was high and she was bipolar.(she was around when we started dating, they stayed friends until she overdosed a year into us dating) I know he broke up with her when she was in rehab as he felt that was the safest place to break it off with her without her harming herself.

It sounded like overall he took care of a lot of the bills after she lost her job, but she did get disability after awhile.

When we first started dating, he made the comment that he never wanted to get married, never have kids and anywhere we went was going to be his place because he didn’t ever want to be put into a position where he had to move back home again (he had moved in with her and when things fell apart had to move back home)
We started dating and 3 years in, I had our daughter and he had a permanent smile on his face when she was born. We didn’t get married right away and had my son a few years later, 8.5 years into dating, we got married. Then had our 3 child. (We been together for 16 years total)

Things overall seem good, we really neve fought. I never rushed him into marriage, we got married in our minds at the time cause my daughter was starting school and figured what the heck,let’s get married we’ve been living like we were married for so long, might as well. I’m a socially awkward person so we did just the courthouse wedding, but I was happy about it.

Fast forward as I’m trying my best to end the emotional affair in June, he lashed out at me saying if “I never ended up knocked up I would have had to worry about this cause we would have never been married”. And he’s been unhappy for a while now. And that he’s trapped cause he does want to leave his kids and if I try to end it he would kill himself.

Last week when I was trying to talk to him and he shut down and started to get real defensive. (Trying to ask him about some of the comments he made to me in May, he made a comment towards the end of her and his “friendship” that he didn’t know how to love, and he never loved anyone as much as I love him and never did and I deserved better)
The next day I cried all day over the fact we couldn’t communication and got the strength to say I don’t need him, if he not in this for me and only for the convenience he could go. I’ve never said anything like that to him. He has since apologized saying he love me and he sorry he hurt me Said he just never envision himself in a long term relationship with anyone, it’s nothing against me (but he told me years ago he wanted to marry his ex, he claims he doesn’t recall that) and he just didn’t envision his life as it is. But he couldn’t ask for a better wife.

He has been trying to do actions such as hold my hand and he will rub my back when I sit down. Little lovey things that’s been missing for so long. I should also mention that we never had date nights or anything like that in years, since my mother in law passed away. We have been trying to fit those in since our oldest is now 13 and we feel comfortable with her babysitting her brothers for a few hours (the youngest is almost 7)

But the words from before still hurt a lot cause it completely caught me off guard. And he would talk bad about me to the 61 year old and also the other vendor whom he had befriended and was sending the 61 year butt pictures and crude(sexual) comments about her. I wish I knew the extent of it, but from what I had read from text to the guy he made me sound like a controlling jerk.

From what I can gather from what he told her is that she made comment about hell of a home life (we were fighting all the time for months as I found out little piece by piece of their “friendship” and how obsessed he was with her) I made the comments to him that he trashed me to her and he didn’t disagree. Which I don’t understand cause I’ve always been affectionate and loving, always do stuff for him, complement him and let him know I appreciate him and everything I could to make him happy.

If you would have told me a year ago, I would have been going thru this, I would have told you that you’re crazy. I guess that’s what makes it even worse is I never saw this coming.

Last edited by Marriedandconfused8; Jul 28, 2018 at 01:01 AM..
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Default Jul 28, 2018 at 06:12 AM
  #20
The having another woman to vent about you certainly contributed to the arguments. Something similar happened to me in my marriage.

As I'm typing this, I forget if you mentioned if he's seeing a counselor? He tossed out there about wanting to die, which is concerning on two levels in my mind. One the obvious with depression and ideation. Two the fact that statements like that said in moments like this can be manipulative in the sense of controlling you from possibly considering leaving, guilt inducing. It's important that he knows you will contact someone/crisis team/emergency ambulance if he gets like that again. (it truly restores balance and gets them someone to talk to. As much as one might want to not be in that scenario it's important) I cannot stress enough how important being that firm on that is. I've done it myself. It also releases a weight for lack of a better expression with everyone involved.

Date nights seem like a good step. I hear you about 'now that my oldest is old enough' statement.

I think OE is onto something with the mothering aspect, especially more so with your reply.
healingme4me is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Marriedandconfused8
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