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Default Jul 23, 2018 at 06:22 PM
  #1
Once again this is dumb but I need some advice on setting boundaries with my mother on my hair. Unlike her, I hate having it touched, cut or pulled back severely and contrary to her belief I do wash it. Not as frequently as she would like but every three days. She always comments on it (did you even wash your hair? You going to do something about it later? Ugh, did you even brush?) And it's gotten to the point I have to have my husband do a second look at my hair before we go see her. Yesterday the issue came to a head. It started last week when she chewed me out for having "dirty" hair in public and told me to go home. I even warned her beforehand I knew it was a bit oilier and before I saw her I brushed my hair like mad.My husband even told her it looked okay. It was that way because I had came home from work very late and did not have time to wash it. Wasn't good enough. She bought spray on shampoo for me claiming it would help. It didn't and I had decided to just prioritize a bit better next time. I understand she wants to help but it's not like I have bugs crawling in my hair or I am thoroughly incapable of making hair care decisions for myself. I just do the bare minimum, wash it on my terms with shampoo I've been swearing by for years, carry a spare hairbrush and at work it is kept back with a cloth headband d since those don't pull at my scalp. This works. Spray on shampoo and constant (even if it was constructive) critiscim does not. I know she wants to help but she is pushing it. Sorry if this is dumb or over something dumb but I don't have good boundaries and thought this might be a place to start.
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Default Jul 23, 2018 at 10:52 PM
  #2
Have you tried just sitting her down for a serious talk about it and explaining why it upsets you so much that she does this? In the heat of the moment sometimes it's hard for the other party to see exactly how they're hurting you, she could be too focused on the hair itself and not on you, so sitting her down for a talk to focus on the feelings rather than the hair might help.

If you've already tried that I'm afraid I'm out of ideas. Some people are just like that and can't be changed... But I hope she will listen to reason.

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Default Jul 24, 2018 at 10:39 AM
  #3
her talking about you washing your hair or any of that has very little to do with her trying to help you. It's 1. her judgmental attitude and highly critical nature which is clearly shown here and 2. it's her over bearing and controlling nature trying to mold others into the image she feels is best for others. It's far from helpful and everthing about her behavior is about rejection of others that are "less than perfect" In her skewed view of the world.

I'm sorry but my impulse is to tell you not to put yourself in such situations and only deal with her when it's necessary. Why put yourself under undue stress like this?
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Default Jul 24, 2018 at 05:07 PM
  #4
Are there reasons that you even need to see her?

It's ok to say, "Listen, I'm not going to subject myself to this nonsense." Because at this point, it's nonsense. You are a married woman who certainly doesn't need to be treated like some piece of property. Because it is treating you like property to demand you wear your hair to her pleasing.

Sorry you are going through this.
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Default Jul 25, 2018 at 10:36 PM
  #5
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Originally Posted by ShadowGX View Post
Have you tried just sitting her down for a serious talk about it and explaining why it upsets you so much that she does this? In the heat of the moment sometimes it's hard for the other party to see exactly how they're hurting you, she could be too focused on the hair itself and not on you, so sitting her down for a talk to focus on the feelings rather than the hair might help.

If you've already tried that I'm afraid I'm out of ideas. Some people are just like that and can't be changed... But I hope she will listen to reason.
I think this is what my husband and I are going to do. Also I think if she brings it up to just say nicely that we did not come to see her just to talk about my hair, we came to talk with her. I think she will listen. Thanks for the advice.
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Frown Jul 25, 2018 at 11:26 PM
  #6
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Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006 View Post
her talking about you washing your hair or any of that has very little to do with her trying to help you. It's 1. her judgmental attitude and highly critical nature which is clearly shown here and 2. it's her over bearing and controlling nature trying to mold others into the image she feels is best for others. It's far from helpful and everthing about her behavior is about rejection of others that are "less than perfect" In her skewed view of the world.

I'm sorry but my impulse is to tell you not to put yourself in such situations and only deal with her when it's necessary. Why put yourself under undue stress like this?
You are right about her being controlling. She feels that she has to get involved and fix it but she can be very blunt and persistent and that's where this all came to play. It just got to a point where I was fed up. I don't like standing up to people or confrontation and I think that causes a lot of stress as well.
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Default Jul 25, 2018 at 11:37 PM
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Originally Posted by healingme4me View Post
Are there reasons that you even need to see her?

It's ok to say, "Listen, I'm not going to subject myself to this nonsense." Because at this point, it's nonsense. You are a married woman who certainly doesn't need to be treated like some piece of property. Because it is treating you like property to demand you wear your hair to her pleasing.

Sorry you are going through this.
My husband and I usually visit once a week but if we are both off and have some time to kill we go visit her at work just to shoot the breeze and catch up. She is actually quite
pleasant but her nitpicking does drive people crazy. It has created friction on things like this. We just want her to stop commenting on what I do with my hair.
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Default Jul 26, 2018 at 04:49 AM
  #8
I have many lovely scarves as I am losing all my hair...I suggest wearing scarves when you are in her company. Give her no reason to judge by taking the hair out of the equation.

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Default Jul 26, 2018 at 11:18 AM
  #9
I can relate. My parents like to comment and criticize me all the time. All the time. Funny thing is more I spend time with them more they criticize.

They also comment on my hair, not cleanliness of them as I wash it dailybut my hair style. I wore my hair short last few years, short bob, but lately I want to grow it out a bit. They comment on it all the time, subtle hints how I need to cut it. No idea why. Just because they feel like criticizing.

They also commented on my weight recently, I am not huge but I recently gained some and I’d like to lose 20lb but I am not asking them.

Then theycomment why I don’t go to XYZ destination for vacation. No idea why I need to be going there.

I am in my 50s and was on my own since high school, I never even was traditional college student. I always worked full time and only took classes at night both undergrad and grad school. I never ever lived with them past high school. I am professionally employed, raised a child and am married second time. I don’t drink don’t smoke don’t do anything questionable, I have my life together since young age.

Yet they always find things to critusize me about something

The only thing I can advice is to limit your visits. Don’t see mom every wet week and if she asks tell her that constant criticism tires you up. I doubt she will change. My parents never changed so I lost hope
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Default Jul 27, 2018 at 12:27 PM
  #10
As long as you are clean and of clean appearance I see no problem. I assume you are right on top of your other hygene requirements.

Is there a reason you mother thinks otherwise?

Regardless, your appearance is your choice and not hers. If after a good discussion about this where you vocalize your own good reasons she keeps interfering and making demands it is time to make demands of your own. If she won't respect this I think what is called for is a withdrawal and pulling back from her.
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Default Jul 27, 2018 at 11:16 PM
  #11
I would tell her that from now on your hair is “off topic”. That’s how you set boundaries. If necessary visit a bit less. I’m not able to visit mine often she’s a tough cookie. Lol

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Default Jul 28, 2018 at 07:49 AM
  #12
I am a mom and I am pained by my own daughter's hair. Just saying.
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