Thinking about writing a closure letter

To someone who I dated last summer (2017). He had a really profound negative impact on me. I was reeling from trauma from a very short relationship from 2016, and I was also dealing with an episode of major depressive disorder. I jumped into dating him and he was lukewarm at best, completely unavailable and dating multiple women at worst. We were never exclusive. Though in my pain and blindness, I expressed I wanted to be. We had good sexual chemistry. Anyway, I've changed a lot since then, and grown, etc. I still have issues relationship wise / attraction wise, but I am noticing, and dealing with that, when they arise. I think it's a good idea to write a closure letter, if need be (I'm going to pause, and wait a few days though first, to see if I change my mind). I find myself thinking about this guy a lot, especially lately. But its like he's become a part of my psyche. A symbol of very low self esteem. I already made a fool out of myself with him. I don't see how this (letter) will make it worse, to be honest.

It's not a bad idea. I wonder if writing it for yourself would help, even if you never send it to him? Just to get the feels out on paper could be a form of venting.

It's a great idea to write the letter and get all of your feelings out. I suggest you burn it after you've written it and watch it go up in flames and say goodbye to your hurt feelings. Thing is, if you send it, he could very well be in another relationship or you just don't know what his reaction would be and you wouldn't want to be hurt any further.

Hi Knitchick,

I agree with Crazy Hitch. Writing the letter can be very cathartic and helpful to you in your own healing process, but a year later, sending it could be another story. It could open up wounds if he doesn't reply or if he does reply and it could make things worse for you when you are already feeling vulnerable. At this point in the story, I would say write it but keep it to yourself, and possibly burn it, like Crazy Hitch suggested.

I'm with them about a letter that never reaches him.

Thanks everyone. It seemed like such a good idea in my head last night, that I send it to him (I was planning on blocking him, so he couldn't contact me back). I will probably not send it though. It felt really good to just write it. I'd never date or go after someone like him again. And that helps too. I did learn from the experience. About myself. I was going through a lot, and not healthy. Writing the letter felt really good last night, and I will probably hone it. I don't want to tear it up. I personally don't think that tearing it up or burning it will make my feelings or trauma go away. It won't make the memory go away. I like the idea of keeping it and referring to it when I feel down. thanks.

I wrote something here, in response to someone, but made the decision to delete it because it is too painful to write. I had been hurt a lot though by the entire situation, and I haven't written about the entire thing here. I do not think I could be hurt more by writing a letter. But at the same time, I am pausing (not sending it), and carrying about my life today. I need a hug.

I am inspired by you not sending it. I have no impulse control and if I feel like I need to say something to someone, I do. It's not always (or ever?) a great move.

Consider this a hug from me to you. Feel better.

I’ve been through something similar, so here’s a hug

It is called restorative justice...meaning, this is what you did, this is how it made me feel. I think it is important to tell people when they have hurt us. The letter is for YOU.

Write it and then burn it without sending. There are some things in life you never get "closure" with and someone who treated you badly will not change because you told them how they did it. Plus, if the relationship has been over for some time sending a letter like that looks weird and kind of off.

HUGGS and MORE HUGGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, write the letter. I'm thinking that it doesn't matter so much whether you send it or not. Maybe sending it is not such a bad idea. Either way, writing it is important.

Write the letter, but don't send it. This is for you, not for him, he will not have the impact you will have by writing it. He will not change with your letter, in fact, it will most likely hurt him or worse, come back and hurt you more. Write it, seal it in an envelope, and tuck it in a drawer.

Thank you for the hugs everyone.


Nicole Flynn..thank you. Yes. Restorative justice. I really like that. That's how it felt last night.


Molinit...I appreciate your response but what can I say? I guess I'm just "weird and kind of off." That did not help me feel better. I am not trying to change him or trying to get him back. I want nothing to do with him. I also do believe that we can sometimes get closure. I feel like people lately, are very focused on this "but you don't always get closure aspect." Sometimes, you can though. I think I have focused on no closure long enough. From the trauma I experienced in 2016 from an ex during our breakup. I didn't get closure from that. I do have post traumatic growth though. And I'm still moving through it.


The reason I wouldn't send it, is because I'm not sure it would make me feel better. And in a sense, what Molinit said, has touched on a fear of mine. I DON'T want to seem weird and off and odd and strange and "the weird woman who can't let go." But the truth is, I don't know if I will send it or not. And I'm not in the position to even make that decision today. And who gives a **** what that asshole thinks. If we ever see each other on the street it should be him who wants to run, not me.


Now I'm thinking about writng to 2016 guy. He started this whole mess. I probably won't with him though. Idk. I don't trust.

Thank you LL. I think this is what I will do for now. I personally feel that in doing something like this, it has to feel right over a period of time.

I do have to say though, I don't think he'll be hurt. I think he might hear what I have to say. I wouldn't be hurtful. So I don't see how he'd be hurt.


But I need to feel ready to do it.

I think writing a letter might not be a bad idea but I wouldn’t send it. Restorative justice has a component of all parties getting to a resolution and offending party accepting responsibility. Is he going to accept his faults? And how would you know if you intend to block him? And if his faults are him being unavailable, then he already knows it and writing it to him might not accomplish much. Especially if you two weren’t exclusive.

I also think since this relationship ended a year ago sending a letter now might be a strange move. Instead of accepting responsibility, he’d likely think you aren’t over him, not moving on and possibly want him back.

I think knowing that you aren’t going to date anyone like him is already a good closure.

I am definitely not writing a letter to someone just because they were unavailable to me. But this made me think too. thanks.