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Ximxum
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Default Jul 25, 2018 at 08:53 PM
  #1
I apologize for the lengthy post, but I need to get it out and need perspective. Please help if you can.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 months. In the beginning, he lived with a woman that he has dated off and on for 8 years or so. (There was a marriage proposal as well I found out later, she denied him) when I asked him about his "roommate" he shrugged it off as they are just really good friends. Ok, that's fine with me, but then I ask if he has told her about me, he says no. I ask if he will tell her about me, he says he doesn't see the point.
Well I am really hurt by this and tell him to leave.
Fast forward a few weeks and he comes to me crying telling me that he has dated her, and he's so sorry for lying, but they truly are JUST friends. It's really hard to believe anything he tells me about her now, but I love him and try to trust.
I tell him I'm not so keen on him living there given their past. He says maybe we should move in together (we had only been together a couple months at this point, and I was not comfortable with that idea)
So I wait to see if our relationship means enough to him to move out of his situation.
He finally tells her about me (I pressed because why would you not tell her about me if she's truly just a friend?) He finally does tell her, and then comes and cries to me that he's extremely upset about losing his really good friend. I feel bad but wonder what's really happening with that situation as a whole.
I will add, at this point he tells me that their relationship has been nothing but toxic. She has used and manipulated him into staying. He wants nothing more than to move out. Great! I wait for him to make moves.
One night we are watching youtube on his phone together, and a message pops up from her. He quickly tries to swipe it away but it was lengthy and I pressed to know what it said. He was hesitant but after much pressing he showed me. I read and read and read. She was spouting off vile things about me (enjoy your slut, how much does she cost an hour, etc) and this is how I find out about the marriage proposal, and how they were still "together" right up until our first date.
Well I'm hurt by this and ask him to leave, again.
I tell him I don't want to be a part of his life until he is out of hers. I tell him that I want a break until he's out of that situation.
He loses it, constant texting/calling, etc.
I love this man, but I need him to figure out his life before I share mine with him. I try to date other people, and slept with someone else during our break. Afterwards, I was so guilt ridden and empty because I realized how much my boyfriend meant to me. I really love him and wanted to make it work. (He had moved out at this point, and I felt like finally we can work on moving forward)
So we do, and he basically starts living with me. At my house every day/night, because we can't seem to get enough of each other.
And things are great! Then one day he says he's going to have some "boy time" with his son. Totally fine with me, but my intuition tells me somethings up. I ask if he and his boy are going to hang with her. Absolutely not he says!
Well later I find out that was a lie.
Now my trust is broken again. I tell him that I am not comfortable with you being friends with her if you're going to lie to me about it. And ask him to leave. Again. I should add that in a desperate angry fury, I kicked him away from me when he tried to get close. I made contact with his chin unexpectedly
A week or so later he starts basically living with me again, we can't seem to stay apart. I tell him that if we are to make this work, I need complete and total transparency on his end. I want to know when she texts you, what about, etc. My trust is completely broken and that's what I need to build it back up. He agrees.
And things are amazing again.
Until I see a notification on his phone from her while he's in the shower. I knew his password so I looked. (I know, not right but given the past I didn't know what to think) it's more **** about how he has betrayed her and she can't stand to see "the car she paid for" in front of my house.
Wow. I confront him and ask why he's not telling me she's texting him when I've asked? And we fight some more. He is told to leave again.
Well surprise we start seeing each other again. He assures me it's just his friend and that he wants to stay amicable because it's a small town and he still needs to pay her back for the car, and other various bills they accumulated together. I am uncomfortable with the idea, but agree because I want him in my life. Again I tell him I need transparency. He says there is no point in telling me every text. That he has my feelings in mind and only deals with her on a need-to basis. This leaves me feeling insecure. I tell him that if I could meet her I would feel better about their relationship. He refuses. Says she doesn't want to meet me. Well that makes me feel like she still has feelings for him and leaves me more insecure.
We try to make it work for awhile but the underlying issues come to a head and he decides to leave because he's making me miserable.
I am now a mess. I love this man like I've never loved anyone.
A week into our "break up" I find out that she is at his new place with him, helping him paint. And that they are going camping together this week with his boy. (He gets his son very infrequently) well I am beside myself and feel completely betrayed and replaced. I spent time with his son as well and was looking forward to knowing him more. Alas, he chose to go back to the ex and leave me shattered in the dust.
He says he left because I refused to let him have a friend. I acknowledged that having a friend is ok with me, it's the dishonesty I can't deal with.
I need advice, please. I'm utterly in love with this man and want to make it work. What do I do?
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Smile Jul 27, 2018 at 06:05 PM
  #2
Hello Ximxum: I'm sorry I probably don't have a lot to offer in the way of advice with regard to the situation you describe. Hopefully there will be some other members, here on PC, who will have some thoughts they can offer.

The thing I always go back to, when I read about relationships such as the one you describe here, is an aphorism a person I used to know was fond of: "If you want to know which way the bullet's going, look down the barrel of the gun." If you re-read what you've written here, you may see what your life will continue to look like if you stay with this man. I doubt that's the type of observation you want to hear. But it is, I'm afraid, my perspective.

I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

One other forum, here on PC, that may be of interest to you would be the women-focused support forum. Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/women-focused-support/

Here are links to some articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that may be of interest:

8 Early Warning Signs a Relationship Will Fail

12 Steps to Break Your Addiction to a Person

5 Relationship Red Flags: What You Should Know

Communication Pitfalls & Pointers for Couples; Psych Central

https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-he...ries-in-yours/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/3-ways...dium=popular17

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/heali...relationships/

My best wishes to you...
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Ximxum
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Default Jul 27, 2018 at 06:09 PM
  #3
Thank you. I appreciate the input.
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Default Jul 27, 2018 at 06:19 PM
  #4
Im sorry your heartbroken over him..

You gave him a hundred more chances to be honest and put you first.. He chose not too.

You deserve much better than his lying *****

Where to go from here ? I honestly think that seeing a Therapist can help you process this whole mess.. Also block him across the board .. phone, social media etc I feel its going to be the only way to move on.. Its going to hurt but constanly being lied to will hurt you more in the long run.

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Thanks for this!
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Default Jul 27, 2018 at 07:08 PM
  #5
He is a totally bad news!!! Be done with him. I’d check for STDs just to be sure. He isn’t to be trusted.
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Default Jul 27, 2018 at 10:21 PM
  #6
His comment that he betrayed and replaced you because you refused to let him have a friend strikes me as self-serving, patently false, and cruel. The sooner you get his lying *** out of your life, the healthier and happier you will be.
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Default Jul 28, 2018 at 09:35 AM
  #7
As everyone else has said, you're so much better off without this dishonest sack of garbage. Please, do not let him back in again. You deserve so much better.

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Default Jul 28, 2018 at 10:44 AM
  #8
I agree. Move on.
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