Aloneness

Summertime ... kids are in camp, I separated from my wife almost one year ago (legal & paperwork still ongoing).

And last weekend I stopped into a noodle shop for a late dinner— it was a noisy random crowd, a lot younger than me, and I sat at a stool at the counter by myself and had ramen and a beer.

I guess it was the most normal thing in the world—no funny vibes from anyone. Here’s what was strange: I had this distinct sense of being so very alone. And it wasn’t a bad feeling—it wasn’t necessarily great either—I was just very, and surprisingly, alone. I really never expected to end up so alone.

Sometimes I am very lonely these days. But I dont miss the violence and threats and sadness of being in a horrible relationship. Mostly I have a feeling of being unconnected, and unattached, and solitary. I appreciate being able to talk to, or spend time with, friends or co-workers. But when I hang up the phone or leave and go home, I’m alone again. When I walk around during the day, evening, whenever, it’s just me, solo.

It just feels odd.

I sometimes think I “should” date (and friends have politely asked if I want to) ... but in reality I don’t want to be coupled up, I don’t want to be in a relationship with anyone. I have so many fears about the possible bad bits and so little patience or confidence in any possible joy. I have no idea of what my future brings except that I’ll probably still be muddling through, mostly alone.

I’ve just been mulling it over and over and over in my mind all week and I wanted to share here, and maybe I can stop thinking about it so much.

Hi Mr. Moose, I just wanted you to know I read what you wrote and your post was seen. I do hope that writing what you've written has helped get it out of your mind for you. Do you feel lonely? Or just alone? I personally think loneliness is a more painful feeling, and aloneness, like you said, is just solitary. Regardless, it makes sense that after the end of a long term relationship, you would feel alone, and perhaps it's a weird feeling but not bad. Perhaps the newness of it is what makes it feel strange. Do you feel like you want to enhance your life in some way during these solitary times? Like taking up a hobby or learning something new?

I just had a solitary dinner of pho, all on my own, at around 9 pm.

Rare beef flank cooking before my eyes in the soup. The night pressing in the windows.

You can't see the stars in the city.

I have felt alone my whole life. It is very strange.

Growing up alone, I have become, I think, a very complete, and yet incomplete, adult.

Sometimes I feel more incomplete than usual, and I go eat noodles, bring a book, and write poetry in the margins.

I guess I feel complete on my own. The incompleteness isn't loneliness really. It's more like I feel lost, like life is the ocean and I'm adrift.

MrMoose I went through what you are describing after my divorce. I remember sometimes spending entire weekends alone and not interacting with a single person. I think I needed that time and like you, I didn’t necessarily always feel it was a bad experience. At times I was sad and I didn’t want to be alone forever... But I look back on that time as a good time in my life because I did a lot of thinking and growing.

Good post. I guess we all start life lost and adrift in the ocean of life. if we don't have parents and school to nurture and anchor us and then friends and relationships to develop and satisfy us as adults then we end up as unhappy and lost adults.
BTW I've never heard of pho. I guess it's beef in noodles. Is it vietnamese?

Hi Sisabel and Knitchick--
Many thanks! Yes I think a lot of it is just the weird feeling of just not being with someone else, as in, pretty much all the time. In a great relationship that togetherness can be quite wonderful. In a bad relationship, the alone feeling is much better and more useful for reading and contemplation.

I don't believe I've read a post more poignantly sad than yours. Part of that is you are obviously a master of the language, part of that is your username and your history. But I thank you for your post, because it describes perfectly that sense of being unmoored in some vastness. And yet ... there's no particular direction that I need to go, and no storm approaching, so I can bob about in the middle of it for a while, going nowhere.