Am I just a doormat?

I've been struggling with this thing my entire life and I have yet to understand it. This might belong in the R&C forum but I'm not sure or maybe somewhere else.

Anyway, I've been thinking about something today, about how no matter what mood/state I am in the majority of people I know aren't happy with me. I'll be depressed and I'll be told that I'm "bringing them down". Okay, so I'll be happy (or at least pretend to be), now it seems I'm annoying them. Okay, I'll be neutral, now they just seem bored with me. If I'm angry, I'm too emotional or it's all in my head.

Why the hell am I never okay according to them? If they don't want me around, why invite me over and talk to me? Seriously, what's the point if you're never ****ing happy with me? Is it because I talk you off the ledge? Is it because I try to make you feel important? Is it only because of what I do for you?

Why can't I just be me?

Am I just a person no one cares about, a person to take advantage of as long as possible? As long as I allow people to treat me like ****? Am I just a doormat?

I realize this is more of a rant than anything and I truly don't know if this is just my head screwing with me. I just can't stop feeling used and unwanted. I thought when my depression lifted I wouldn't feel this way anymore, but I still do, I still feel like a burden more than anything. Maybe it's just me. I mean, I ****ing hate myself and that could have something to do with it, but what if it isn't? What if this whole time I just ignored certain things to keep the relationships?

I'll probably bring this up with my T, but if someone here could help me then I'd appreciate it.

For sure, bring it up with your T, as they probably know more of the nuances and ins and out of your life than someone like me an unfamiliar online presense to your day to day life. Your T may be able to delve deeper with you, is what I'm trying to say.

That said, fron your post, it truly seems like a core group of friends that haven't a clue on how to be your friend, if that makes sense? I mean, they don't sound like friends in that word choices are seemingly dismissive and rather condescending. How long have you been friends with this group of individuals? Is there ever any compassion? Do any try individually to be inclusive?

There is some compassion, I guess there used to be more. I feel like everyone expected me to be better by now and the fact that I'm not is disappointing. I've been friends with a couple of them for somewhere around two years. Another friend of mine (who really doesn't get it) has been in my life since the fourth grade. I have one friend who is more inclusive, he generally won't talk much about anything deep, but he tries to be there in his own way.

I might just be messed up. I just feel like because I'm not better people have given up on me and are pushing me away. What sucks, is I've recently had somewhat of a breakthrough and have actually made some progress recently. Maybe it was too late. My ex left me because I wasn't better and he couldn't handle it anymore. The way some of these people are acting, is similar to how he did before he left.

Maybe things are in my head. Maybe I've just been ignoring the problems because I've been too distracted with my own crap. Maybe I'm just a piece of **** and haven't fully realized it.

Yes, talk with your T. And I'm sorry you struggle with this - but I think they just don't know how to react properly. Please don't feel guilty, it's not your fault.

I’m sorry.

I hope that it can be some consolation to know that to me, to us, you are always okay.

I have felt like a door matt all of my life, and it isn't a good feeling. It is very hard to think that everyone in your daily life takes advantage of your kindness, compassion, and them knowing that if they ask you, you will take care of what ever. I agree with everyone else that you need to talk with your T about this. I was told at the time I had a long term T, that I need to be assertive, set boundarys, and stand up for my self. I have found this to be very hard, bc I am 53, and have been a door matt all of my life. Please bring it up with your T. I don't know your age, but please don't let this happen to you for as long as I have. BC I have done this all my life, I don't know who I am, or how to be!!!

Mickey - I'll try. Things just tend to stick with me in the way of guilt.

Bill - It does. This place has become my safety away from rl. People here are good and it helps me a lot.

katydid - I'll bring this up with my T on Wednesday when I see him. Hopefully between him and myself we'll be able to sort this out.

Welp, you could go the extreme way I did and get mean/distant to the point that no one will use you as a doormat because you have no one... But I wouldn't recommend that. It has its perks, sure, but being alone is one hell of a con.

Anyhoo, this stuck out to me, so I wanted to address it:
"Why can't I just be me?"
"I mean, I ****ing hate myself..."

Seems to me that if you hate something it becomes harder to be that thing, so I feel like you've answered that question yourself there. Learning not to hate ourselves is pretty important, but also very difficult when we've been trained to only see how bad we are.

A doormat is what my mom always called my sister. She meant it as she lets people walk all over her. What I hear you saying is that people find you to be a downer. You have depression. I don’t have any suggestions, just sending hugs.

I hope I didn’t offend you. I’m just saying that when you have depression, of course you are a downer, duh. That’s what depression is. Don’t blame yourself for it. I hope you find something that can give you some relief.

I didn't get offended. I actually appreciate your honesty and bluntness. I understand what you're saying about being a downer.

The reason I say doormat is because I do let people say things to me I shouldn't. I let a lot of inconsiderate **** slide. And I allow myself to be a verbal punching bag, at times. I'm trying to stop that because it's definitely not helping me.

I guess I did answer that question for myself.

I've found myself distancing from almost everyone. I just can't handle dealing with comments from people outside my head on top of the voices who say similar things (and worse). I'm not really being mean, I don't think, but I've become standoffish lately. I just don't want to be around that **** anymore, I'm tired of how it makes me feel.

That’s right. Good for all of us who won’t let others abuse them any more! I allowed so much because I didn’t know anything else. But now I know better and we’re not gonna take it!

https://m.youtube.com/watch?reload=9&v=ZqmC1T9rukk

Sounds like you just need some time to be with yourself right now and process everything that has happened to you lately, which is totally fine as long as you're content with that.