How often do those 40+ meet their friends?

I ask the question because my partner and I are both mid-40s and I don't know what's normal for people our age.

I have a couple of friends who I just meet for coffee or lunch every once in a while and that's always been the case. My partner, on the other hand, did the same for the first 18 months of our relationship but the past couple of months he's reconnected with a group of guys nearly 10 years younger than him and all of a sudden he's going out drinking nearly every week. He always told me he hated noisy, crowded bars and wasn't someone interested in going out to get drunk, so he is turning into someone he said he wasn't. I thought we both enjoyed the quiet life but I'm becoming quite uncomfortable with how much he's changing.

It sounds like there is a deeper concern nagging at you in this. Maybe you are worried he is out looking for someone new.

Something is definitely different. Has he said why he wants to go out to these places now all of a sudden?

He said it was his fault that he lost contact with his friends. I'd never stopped him meeting them, in fact I queried more than once if he'd heard from them. He told me a year ago that he was obsessed with me (he has undiagnosed but rather obvious Aspergers). It's clear this is no longer the case! He asks what's wrong in him meeting friends and essentially there is nothing wrong with it, but it's the frequency and nature of it that bothers me, as he's turning into the opposite of the person he told me he was.

People can change within a relationship. If his time spent with his friends is innocent and just him exploring who he is and experiencing something different, as his partner, you could just be patient and not oppositional. Give him space and hope you both get closer when he’s burnt out on the friends.

But, also be aware that his time spent away from you, may be that he is wanting to be away from you, maybe looking for someone else.

I know that’s a disconcerting thought. But it’s a possibility.

If it were me, I’d probably be patient about it and wait and see. (Use condoms)

I don't think there's anything wrong with what he's doing, unless he's ignoring you. Although I do agree it seems weird to see this sudden change...

The age is right to be having a mid-life crisis. My former spouse had one which ultimately led to my departure - and I gather that he has remained stuck in (50s and hanging with 'friends' younger than our 31yr old daughter".

Did your partner experience some sort of crisis or upheaval that may have triggered his change in behaviour and demeanor? The change in my husband's behaviour came about as the result of a loss of his job and the two years that followed until he was successful obtaining a new one.

What is your husband's relationship with his existing friendship circle. With the loss of his job my partner basically lost most every social contact as so many were tied to his work. Thus he had an empty social vacuum.

Has he had a change in interest(s)? Enter the theatre for my husband and he quickly became consumed with that lifestyle. And this was the source for his new friendships and idiotic social behaviour. Suddenly he was hanging with those half his age - youth that had no responsibilities and the lifestyle of 'fun' and spontenaeity. Staying out frequently multiple nights a week went hand in hand with this.

What exactly is the nature of relationship with new friends? Is he at all looked up to? Has he become a mentor? My husband ad the opinion he was being worshipped. He had and has delusions of grandeur. Of course he would choose to hang out with these young people because his old friends would tell him to grow up.

Does he live two different lives?

I've given you a great deal to ponder. You need to nip this behaviour in the bud. If you are able to get him to couples' counselling please consider it. You may need to ask hard questions of yourself; namely, is this an enriching relationship still?

I truly hope for the best in your situation.

Thank you. There's been no crisis in his life; I just think he stopped being obsessed with me and maybe I'm not exciting enough for him anymore.

These friends are mainly people he used to work with a few years ago. He'd mention their names to me in various stories, but said they'd stopped being in touch. He got back in touch with them after seeing one of them mention playing touch rugby (mixed-sex teams - something he didn't tell me about, let alone ask if I'd want to join) and it's gone from playing touch rugby to meeting for drinks to meeting for drinks in the rowdy city centre and going home in the small hours. I highly doubt his friends look up to him because he has a mundane job compared to them and his Aspergers traits must show themselves in one way or another.

He's known what sort of person I am since the beginning and I haven't changed. He told me at the start that he was quite a loner, happy in his own company and uncomfortable in groups/loud settings - just like me. I feel that my boundaries are being pushed further and further and if he'd been regularly going out boozing with younger guys when we first started dating I wouldn't have progressed to a relationship with him because I just don't like or want that kind of life and I think it only leads to trouble.

I understand the pain you are feeling. I detect some resentment.

Have you asked to be included in these activities? Would you consider attending these rugby practices and matches? Is hanging out with him during these nights out an option to you? I can fully understand how difficult this is and the feeling of being left out (and believe me I also understand that knowing the rugby is mixed would be a sore point). Even if these things hold no interest for you I think you must doing everything you can to insert yourself into them. Insist that you be included.

Now, how do you feel about finding your own 'thing' to do? Is there anything you are passionate about or have always wanted to do?

I did query why I hadn't been asked about the rugby and didn't get an answer. The drinking sessions seem to be men only. It concerns me that he's going out with a large gang of younger guys. I wouldn't feel uncomfortable if he was meeting a friend at the pub for a drink while they watched a game (which is what he told me he did before we met), but I am worrying about where this is leading.

Is he willing to go see a therapist with you?

I see my own therapist because I know my self esteem is bad. He has lots of problems but although he can acknowledge them he won't take responsibility for the problems they cause within our relationship.