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Trig Aug 01, 2018 at 07:28 AM
  #1
Is it normal for a long term marriage for your spouse to not spend much time with you? We have been married 25 years, and together even longer. It seems as if as soon as I get up in the mornings my spouse goes up to his shop within 10, to 15 minutes of me getting up. He comes back when he is ready to eat, then he is gone again. He normally stays away from the house until later in the afternoon. Usually if we have a decent movie to watch, he will sit and watch it with me later in the day. In the evening he is ready for me to take the chihuahuas in our room between 6p, to 8p, and he spends this time by himself, and his lab, until he comes to bed. When he comes to bed, he watches tv for about 5 to 10 minutes, then puts his c-pap on, and goes to sleep. My day is usually like this, and I get his meds together in the am, lunch, and pm, I feed the dogs, give one of the chihuahuas his meds in the am, and lunch, and feed them dinner. I do the shopping, pay any bills that don't directly come out of the accounts, take the dogs to the vet, go with him when he has a apt, clean house, mow the yard just around the house, ect. My spouse feeds the lab bc the lab gets him up very early, then my spouse over feeds him. He lets the lab run all over, I have to teach him about not running all over, and chasing cars, and 4 wheelers. Usually my spouse takes a nap in the afternoon, and when he does decide to be in the house, he is on his laptop reading news, science, religion, ect. He does weed eat when it is needed, and other things that I can't do like work on the truck. Also the only time he goes to one of my apts. is when I have to have someone to drive home bc of a procedure.
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Default Aug 01, 2018 at 07:47 AM
  #2
Sadly, this probably is normal in a long term marriage. Maybe you can make an effort to create some better quality time together.

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Default Aug 01, 2018 at 07:58 AM
  #3
I don’t know what’s normal as my first marriage was short lived and I am recently remarried (so obviously we spend time together). But we also work outside of home. Do you both home all day? I’d say most people don’t spend much time together during the week due to work. I think it’s important to allocate some time together for a date type of thing at least once a week
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Heart Aug 01, 2018 at 08:50 AM
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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
I don’t know what’s normal as my first marriage was short lived and I am recently remarried (so obviously we spend time together). But we also work outside of home. Do you both home all day? I’d say most people don’t spend much time together during the week due to work. I think it’s important to allocate some time together for a date type of thing at least once a week
Yes we are both here most of the day, unless there is apts, or something needed away from home.
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Default Aug 01, 2018 at 11:07 AM
  #5
The wife and I have been together for 12+ years. We do find ourselves in a rut sometimes and there are times that we don't get as much interaction as we should. We both work, but we work in the same office. We do spend A LOT of time together but we also spend a lot of time chilling, watching movies, and playing around on our computers where we don't really talk together. So it's extremely easy to not have a lot of interaction at times. Every now and again one of us will feel lonely and neglected by the other and will complain to the other and that's where we actively have to decide to fix the situation. I personally think communication is key in a relationship, so maybe you should vocalize these feelings to your husband.

The way we try to fix it is by spend more time together. For example, she knows I LOVE playing video games so we found a game that both of us can play TOGETHER. She has never liked playing video games but she is willing to do it to strengthen out marriage. We go out on "date nights" as well. This can include anything from going to get coffee and doughnuts together to a full on meal at a restaurant, doesn't really matter what it is as long as we're together. We also have a rule that when we do these date nights the phones are off or stay in the car so it's just us and not us and our phones. We also started to cook together now that we bought a house that has a big enough kitchen for the two of us to be in. And we have come to an agreement that we have to be intimate at least once a month (her libido isn't nearly as active as mine due to her ad), more is better of course We used to walk the dogs together but then I had a stroke and can't use my right leg very well and I get tired very easily so she's been walking the dogs on her own (which I feel bad about putting all on her but what can I really do?). You both have dogs, so maybe you should take that as an opportunity to walk the dogs together. It's rather hard (at least in my opinion) to walk, watch the dogs, and play on a phone so you're kinda forced to be in the moment with your spouse. Just a suggestion is all.

The point is, yes it is easy to fall into ruts when you've been together for so long. You become accustom to each other and you (as am I) are way past the "honeymoon" stage of our relationships and this is the hard part where you have to actively make time for each other. I dunno if this helped any, but I wanted you to know that it is possible to make it work and that you're not alone in this.

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Default Aug 01, 2018 at 11:39 AM
  #6
Well I’m no expert. I think it’s fairly normal to a certain extent and I think it’s ok to do a lot of things on my own. I don’t mind it although every now and then I think we also get into a rut at my house and need to make more effort. I also think there are things people do together that they don’t realize. Hubby and I talk quite a bit about important issues and our feelings even though I do give him plenty of personal space. I like suggestions made here about making the effort to do something the other likes. Even if it’s just little stuff here and there. I have my own social events and friends and hubby really does enjoy his time alone.
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Default Aug 01, 2018 at 12:19 PM
  #7
I think it's normal after a while, but that doesn't mean you can't try to change it.. of course, if your spouse is willing to.
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Default Aug 01, 2018 at 12:33 PM
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My husband and I have been been together for 30 years- married for 25 years. He works full tim days and gets up at 4 am. When he gets home from work he naps and I cook supper. We schedule "us" time at least twice a week. We only break that if there is a family emergency. Usually we can do something on the weekend, but honestly if he hems and haws and I really want to get out I have family to spend time with. I'm not waiting around because life is short. This seems to work for us.

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Thumbs up Aug 01, 2018 at 07:52 PM
  #9
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Originally Posted by LacunaCoiler View Post
The wife and I have been together for 12+ years. We do find ourselves in a rut sometimes and there are times that we don't get as much interaction as we should. We both work, but we work in the same office. We do spend A LOT of time together but we also spend a lot of time chilling, watching movies, and playing around on our computers where we don't really talk together. So it's extremely easy to not have a lot of interaction at times. Every now and again one of us will feel lonely and neglected by the other and will complain to the other and that's where we actively have to decide to fix the situation. I personally think communication is key in a relationship, so maybe you should vocalize these feelings to your husband.

The way we try to fix it is by spend more time together. For example, she knows I LOVE playing video games so we found a game that both of us can play TOGETHER. She has never liked playing video games but she is willing to do it to strengthen out marriage. We go out on "date nights" as well. This can include anything from going to get coffee and doughnuts together to a full on meal at a restaurant, doesn't really matter what it is as long as we're together. We also have a rule that when we do these date nights the phones are off or stay in the car so it's just us and not us and our phones. We also started to cook together now that we bought a house that has a big enough kitchen for the two of us to be in. And we have come to an agreement that we have to be intimate at least once a month (her libido isn't nearly as active as mine due to her ad), more is better of course We used to walk the dogs together but then I had a stroke and can't use my right leg very well and I get tired very easily so she's been walking the dogs on her own (which I feel bad about putting all on her but what can I really do?). You both have dogs, so maybe you should take that as an opportunity to walk the dogs together. It's rather hard (at least in my opinion) to walk, watch the dogs, and play on a phone so you're kinda forced to be in the moment with your spouse. Just a suggestion is all.

The point is, yes it is easy to fall into ruts when you've been together for so long. You become accustom to each other and you (as am I) are way past the "honeymoon" stage of our relationships and this is the hard part where you have to actively make time for each other. I dunno if this helped any, but I wanted you to know that it is possible to make it work and that you're not alone in this.
Thank You, with my background I thought this issue was bc of me, and now I realize that it is a common issue. My H won't try to change his ways, so I know I will be doing most of the trying to get us together more. Being intimate is, bc my H has a triple A, that is a aortic anyourism, so that doesn't happen very often. A few months ago he had a scan, and is good for 2 years, so that may be something for us. I think he might still be interested? Also I will try to get the two of us to walk our dogs. We live way out in the country, and the neighbors are very spread out so the dogs get to run all over our 6 acers, but I may still get that to work. His dog is a black Lab, and we have a small river/stream that the lab loves. We don't get cell reception where we live so that isn't a problem. He hasn't been interested in his play station games in quite awhile, and I don't care for the ones that he use to play. He every now, and then will play ether his electric, or acoustic guitar, and I will make it a point to go to his shop just to listen. We are on a fixed income bc we are both disabled, but I will work on trying to get away from the house at least once a week for us to have a ice cream, or something. Tomorrow we have to be at the lawyers about the acers we bought at action 2 years ago, our HOA is trying to make us responsible for the prevous owners past 5 or 6 years of dews they didn't pay. Then Fri. I told him that I would go with him to get his drivers license renewed. Every now and then we will go for a motercycle ride, but this year we have had a lot of rain, but we both enjoy that. On Mon. he has a apt with Ortho to see about getting a boot for his acillies tendon. He injured it months ago, and still hasn't healed, and on Wed I have to have a stress echo on the valves in my hart. I have 3 that leak blood backwards, and he will be going with me. He don't normally go to my Dr. apts., but I almost always go to his for him. So at least the rest of this week, and the beginning of next week we will be spending some time together, and I will work on the rest as we go, I just hope he will go along with some of it!!!!!!! Thank You again!!!!!!! (((((((BIG HUGS SENT TO THE BOTH OF YOU)))))))
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Default Aug 02, 2018 at 12:48 PM
  #10
Just build time in slowly Katydid. In the summer we go for ice cream together once a week for part of our quality time. Now that I am going back to work part time I am going to ask for a ten minute talk time before we turn in for the night. Just touch base/ what's on your mind kind of thing.

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Heart Aug 15, 2018 at 08:39 AM
  #11
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Just build time in slowly Katydid. In the summer we go for ice cream together once a week for part of our quality time. Now that I am going back to work part time I am going to ask for a ten minute talk time before we turn in for the night. Just touch base/ what's on your mind kind of thing.
I am working on some small things. last week he went to the grocery store, and the dollar store, with me, and he hardly ever does that. I will keep working on this, so it gets better.
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