Toxic relationship help

My OH has Borderline personality disorder and it’s been the worst ordeal of my life now with 3 suicide attempts in just 4 months and so much jealousy, manipulation and control. I can’t seem to break free because he won’t let me, and because I feel intense pain being away from him. It’s extremely toxic with dependency on both sides. My friends are now tired of it because the cycle keeps repeating and they know I know what I need to, but I just can’t seem to leave. I work long hours so not sure I can avail of therapy but I know I need it. Everyone thinks I’m stupid for going back but my self esteem is at rock bottom and the dynamic between us is complex. I feel completely and utterly trapped but also that I don’t know if I want to leave, because even though I am completely depressed I miss him intensely when he’s not here and I’m not strong enough to get through it. I feel like a complete mess and totally isolated. I’d really appreciate any advice or support, thank you

I agree that therapy might be helpful. Can you try to arrange something based on your work schedule?

Yes, I agree with Mickey. Therapy would be most useful since you seem very stuck and unable to free yourself on your own. You know this is very toxic, yet you don't know how to leave. A therapist will help you sort through your dependency issues.

He might need to go inpatient after that many attempts and you would benefit from
Seeing a professional. He can’t “not” let you leave. If he is physically preventing you, you call the police

I empathaize with you immensely, Eleny, and wish for you to be well.

Most of what I am about to type is information that I have found in nearly six months of extensive research... I am more than willing to provide links to you if you wish. Please, be aware that I am no expert on anything and have been attempting to elucidate upon my history because I, too, am a victim of emotional, psychological and financial abuse, manipulation, use and more...

Have you done much research on the dynamics of your relationship (e.g. BPD, toxicity, dependency and so on?) I ask because it is quite possible that you are suffering a trauma bond with this person. If that is the case, you are literally biologically addicted to this person as four main chemicals in your brain become trained in releasement due to intermittent reinforcement as in punishment, then no punishment (and seeming love and affection.)

Additionally, according to some people, who work in such fields (e.g. abuse) professionally, in general, victims of abuse stay in the abusive relationship for various explanations, including the trauma bond. Moreover, the person, who is the victim, might be emotionally attached to the other. If that is indeed the case, the person, who is abusive, is the source of a almost a paradoxical consciousness (cognitive dissonance) for the victim because the abusive person serves as both the source of abuse and love for the person, who is the victim. There are other possible factors for staying in your relationship.

The people, who are "tired of it" and/or view you as "stupid," do not understand the dynamics of abusive relationships. Please, be aware that you are no under no obligation to explain anything to them or listen to them. If they are not helping you, they are not helping you. The aforesaid perspective might be difficult to accept, but, please, understand that from what you are describing about your friends, they are lacking in both understanding and empathy.

Unfortunately, there are hurdles with both therapy and the domestic hotline. While there are people, who will be knowledgeable and/or helpful, not everyone will be, including those at a domestic violence hotline and those, who work as counselors, therapists and so forth. If you do plan to seek professional assistance, please, research and/or ask your primary doctor if you have one about finding someone, who works as a therapist and is trained in the areas of which pertain to you, your relationship, abuse and so on.

I can relate to a lot of this. I faced similar toxic relationship problems with someone in my early years. It landed me in a psych ward after attempting on my life because I couldn't get free from him on my own. I then ended up doing harmful things to myself in hopes that it was a turn-off for him, at it eventually worked 2 years later. He finally left me thinking I was a disgusting, unhealthy person.

I'm not suggesting doing any of those. But it reminded me of what people have always told me, you can't change others if they don't want the change or help. You can only change yourself. I took that too literally and in the worst way.

So it sounds like you're hoping for the better of things magically working out because you both want to be with one another. If both parties can admit to working out issues and seeing a therapist, that's really encouraged. It may help you two be better for one another or help you two realize that you guys aren't great together.

The biggest, hardest thing you're going to have to do is to fight for yourself and seek help. It's not going to feel great at first and it'll be terrifying. For the changes I made, I changed my phone number and moved to a different city and went back to school. I needed a complete change and to find a way to move on.

I don't know if I said anything helpful, but I really do hope you seek some help.