What's wrong with me?

For a while now I've been feeling like there is something really, really wrong with me that I fail to see, but that other people notice the minute they lay eyes on me.

A few years ago, my boyfriend of five years proposed. Then he went on holiday and met another girl and broke up with me for her. It stung a lot, but I got over it. I mean, stuff like this happens, people do fall in love with other people when they are in relationships. It's ok. The problem was the way he broke things off. He was older than me and I had never been in a relationship before. He basically said that I hadn't grown enough as a person, that he couldn't consider me a "full person", that he described my personality to some new friends he met whilst abroad and they apparently said, "wow, how can you be with someone like that?" I'm not saying he wasn't right (I used to be very shy and I think I depended on him emotionally) but the way he said it felt brutal. He was the most important person in my life so naturally, I didn't even challenge what he was saying, I just promised I'd change, be better for him. Looking back on this now, I feel pathetic. I was 22.

Our relationship was normal. We hardly ever argued, we lived together, had lots of fun and he had never mentioned these things before. Then, BAM, I was suddenly not good enough for him but she was. So he left me and two weeks later he got with her.

Anyway, after him, I dated quite a bit and sometimes things started off really well and then fizzled out. They always fizzled out after I got attached. One guy told me that he wasn't ready for a relationship because he was in love with a friend of his who was in an open relationship. I decided to stay friends with him because I thought that maybe in time things would change. We went out a lot and had a lot in common and occasionally had sex and I fell head over heels in love with him (despite my better judgement). Then one day he kissed this random new girl in front of me at a party and a few weeks later I found out that they were in a relationship. So he basically just didn't want to be in a relationship with me because he didn't think I was good enough for him.

The guy who came after him (a year or so later) seemed perfect. He was emotionally available, he waited for me to be ready before we slept together....he basically acted like we were a couple...until one day when he said he didn't want a relationship. It came completely and utterly out of the blue and it hurt a lot.

There were a couple of other rejections too, but I wasn't yet too attached to them, so those didn't hurt as bad.

I've been single for almost a year now, but I'm starting to find it really, really hard to shake off all these rejections. It's not so much about the guys--I'm over them as people, but I feel like they left me with massive insecurities that I'm not good enough. Before all this happened I used to be a lot more confident...I mean, I'm in my mid-twenties, I have a postgrad degree, I used to consider myself attractive...but now none of these things matter anymore. I don't have any of my exes on social media, but we share quite a few mutual friends, so I get unwelcome updates. One's getting married, the other one moved in with his girlfriend....it just feels like it's super easy for some people. I don't understand what I'm doing to push people away or put them off. I'm easygoing, I like to have fun...I don't know what's wrong with me which makes it all even harder to fix. How do I fix myself when I don't know what's wrong?

I feel like a massive loser. I started cutting again and my days revolve around work and obsessing about my therapist. I have no desire to go out, social interactions seem too hard to bother with, all I want to do is sleep--I've completely lost my appetite and feel like nothing is going to get better. This isn't about wanting a relationship (although part of me does), it's about finding happiness within myself again so that rejections can feel less personal and raw.

I don't know what to do, I'm afraid it's not going to get better and I'm scared of a future that feels as bleak as my days do atm.

Sorry for the length of this post, I think I just needed to vent. Feel free to ignore.

((((((Merope)))))) Rejections really hurt, especially many of them over time. My therapist calls them "little traumas." They are really not so little at all though. I just want you to know that I read your post, and I am navigating some of the same swamp you are. There is a book called Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure, and other everyday hurts by Guy Winch, PhD. It is very helpful for me to refer to at times and maybe it will bring you some solace to read the chapter on rejection. Hugs.

I'm sorry that this has happened to you! I been there myself! I feel like they were just using you! Sometimes people don't think about how their action can affect a person. Feel sorry for any e who would have anything to do with them. You should have asked those who said that about are they are license mental professional because that who they should be speaking with.

Merope, I also just wanted to ask if you are going through a depressive state right now? When you said you feel like a "massive loser," started cutting again, no desire to go out and socialize, sleeping more, and lost your appetite....those are symptoms of depression. It sounds to me like you are experiencing depressive thinking, as well. However, I see a light part in some of the things you've said too: "This isn't about wanting a relationship (although part of me does), it's about finding happiness within myself again so that rejections can feel less personal and raw." I think that's a wonderful goal. You need to get strong again. Gain back your light, wellness, and true self.

(((((Merope)))))

Thank you for this! I will definitely check this book out. I find reading stuff like this comforting! And I agree that they are a little more than “little traumas” especially since they seem to have highjacked previously unaffected areas of my life. So for instance, I can’t listen to certain songs anymore because they take me back to horrible places. It makes me sad because music has always been a safe harbour for me.

Yes, for sure. My therapist thinks I’m depressed and I definitely don’t feel like myself. Thank you for the support!

Thank you for this. Yes, it definitely feels like they were using me, at least to a certain extent. I think it might have put me off romantic relationships for good.

Yes please do look into that book.

I feel the same way about certain music. When you feel ready, find some new music to listen to. There's a lot out there to listen to that can make new memories.

Regardless if you will ever date again, perhaps you need a break from romantic relationships / dating, to take care of you.