What would you have done?

Long story short. A few days ago it was my dad's 81st birthday. He had a 7:30 am Dr. appt and on the way home we decided to stop at our favorite diner because he wanted a chicken fried steak breakfast.

A couple of days later I find out my husband is upset that we didn't call him to join us. I feel really bad now and can't shake it. I thought briefly about calling him at the time but I was afraid he might still be asleep, plus he rarely eats breakfast. I suppose I should have called anyway.

I am starting to see myself as an incredibly insensitive, inconsiderate person.

This reminds me of the time I picked up food for myself. Got home and ate half of it before it occurred to me that I hadn’t asked hubby if he wanted anything while I was out. We laugh about it now but I do feel embarrassed I did that. Now I always ask hubby if he needs something while I’m out. Sometimes we just need reminders like this. I bet you won’t do that next time. If you were truly an inconsiderate person, this wouldn’t bother you so much. ❤️

Yes an invitation would've been nice but then again it was not a planned meal so he can't take i that muck to heart. But now that you know how he feels about it might be good to always extend their invitation

When I take my mom to doctor appointments she sometimes wants to stop by different places on a way back. I don’t believe I have to ask my husband to join us every time. Is your husband controlling type? Doesn’t believe you can do anything without him attached to your hip?

No, he's not controlling at all, which is why all this is so 'wered. Lol

Seriously though, it triggered me because I felt I was being falsely accused.

He waited a couple of days to mention feeling put out because you didn't call him while stopped at a diner with your 81yo dad at 830 in the morning to have him get up, showered, dressed and out the door while you were presumably by that point already seated and waiting for breakfast?

Sometimes I ask my husband, sometimes I don't. Just let him know that next time you do this you will ask him the night before so you can both plan. You are not an inconsiderate person. It was an unplanned spur of the moment thing.

Yeah, well, I thought about just sending him a text every time I go somewhere. That would annoy the blank out of him.

I don't see anything wrong with what you did.

Besides, and no offense to your husband, I would be willing to bet that your dad enjoys having some private time with you.

You are drawing way, way too big a conclusion from too little. For all I know, you may be heartless, uncaring, self-centered and just generally awful. I don't know you. But you know you. Do you have other reasons for thinking you're so awful?

Here's what I am hearing from you: "My husband criticised my decision the other morning, as a case of me not caring about including him. He's so disappointed that he has become really upset. Because of that my self-esteem has totally collapsed."

Are you trying to say that you have a husband who makes you feel bad about yourself?

Are you trying to say that you can't bear the thought of you disappointing someone because you strive so hard to please?

There's more here than meets the eye. Where is the "false accusation?" Your husband wishes he had been asked to join the group for breakfast. Maybe he really and truly is disappointed he wasn't there. It doesn't sound like you wanted to exclude him just to be mean. If that's what he is accusing you of, then he's being silly . . . or he's awfully insecure.

You sound like you feel persecuted. Does this really rise to that level? To be falsely accused and to have one's self-esteem destroyed and to think your spouse want's to keep tabs on you unreasonably is serious stuff. Are you making a bigger deal of this than is warranted? Is your husband blowing this out of proportion?

Is this part of a larger pattern?

It doesn't seem like a big deal to me. Perhaps just remember next time when a similar situation occurs

Oh yes, it's part of a much larger pattern. I have raging PTSD, my mom beat me when she was mad at herself (false accusations) and that made me feel bad about myself. These episodes I have are a reaction to what she did. That's what happens when I get triggered. In this case, he triggered me when he surprised me with what he said. I only ask the question to help me keep things in perspective.

Not calling your husband was perfectly reasonable. If your husband is sulking and fussing about that, then he is trying to make something out of nothing. You have a right to reject his criticism of your decision to have breakfast alone with your father.

As a child, you could be made to feel guilty by your mother, even when you were innocent. It sounds like your mother was physically and emotionally abusive. It's understandable that unfair criticism is triggering for you. The child in you craves being treated fairly.

In this world, you will be treated unfairly at times . . . even by your own spouse. As an adult, you have the capacity to analyze the treatment and decide for yourself whether or not you've been wrong. It is not up to your husband to give you your self-esteem. You have to take it. It would be nice if he were emotionally supportive. Sometimes husband's aren't. Sometimes you have to ignore criticism . . . even from your own husband. You are perfectly capable of deciding for yourself whether you were or were not justified in having breakfast alone with your dad. You believe you were, and I happen to agree with you. If your self-esteem depends on never having your husband disapprove of you, then you are doomed to never feeling secure about who you are.

One last thing: from time to time you will be in the wrong. That's okay too. Nobody is right 100% of the time. You don't have to be either. Self-esteem means that sometimes you slip up, and so you forgive yourself and move on. Maybe your mother never forgave anything. You can reject that mindset.

I agree. The real problem here is that I can't control how I react to certain triggers, not my husband. He tries very hard not to trigger me. Eventually, we will fight this out. Whatever he's thinking, I'm betting it's not at all like what went down. Beyond that, I don't have a clue.

It does sound like this is way more drama than is warranted. It should have been enough for you to say, "Gee, Honey, I hesitated to disturb you. I wish
I had known you would like to have joined us." The END.

No future checking with him every time you do something. No self-reproach. No big fight. You didn't know. There's no way you could have known. That's it. Over. All 3 of you can do breakfast another time. If he stops mentioning this, as he should, then you stop too. Both of you need to let go of this. It's no big deal. Major trouble will certainly come your way in life, as it does to us all. Save your angst for when it is warranted.