How do I deal with this?

I’m writing about this because I am an insecure, unconfident, and anxious male. I suppose this preface can serve as a sort of list of symptoms that I’ve had because of what I think to be a result of bad parenting. I’ll delve into this deeper as we go along. I would also like to note that I have a terrible time translating feelings and emotions into words. This paper is a first in terms of actually trying to identify where, why, and how these feelings are coming about. I’m an expert at bottling up emotions. I’ve never defied my parents or spoken out of turn or argued with them. I’m a kid who does what he’s told and how he is told to do it. According to them I’m a great kid who has a bright future. But recently I’ve identified this feeling that I’ve had in the pit of my stomach for the longest time. I can’t remember when it came about, but it’s been years since I’ve acknowledged its existence. I’ve only identified that feeling as frustration up until this point but lately that feeling has been metabolizing into something far stronger: hate. White-hot, blazing hot, melt your face off hate. Hate with resentfulness and disgust and just raw anger directed at two people who you are supposed to idealize and cherish. I’ve come to recognize and really pick apart the way my parents live their life along with what they stand for and what ideals they support and all I can find in reaction to this is disgust. They give in to the most primitive of ways to go about living life and I resent them for it. I resent them for it because their ideologies have infected me with this primitive state of being. My father is a classic alpha-male. As a result of being bullied terribly as a child he has assumed this state of mind of being top dog wherever he goes. He’s proud of it, too, which makes it all the more difficult for me to come to terms with. How can someone be so outwardly and openly naive about their confidence and stature in society? My mother is even worse. She gives in to this and is submissive to him and calls him “her king,” and she’ll do “whatever he asks.” I abhor the way they think about life, it’s absolutely disgusting and I hate them for it. My mother and father are immigrants from Bosnia and Herzegovina. A barbaric land filled to the brim with even more of this nasty and repulsive patriarchy. I always told myself to defy this state of being and this lifestyle, this is what I’ve been bottling up for my entire life. For years my father would bark orders and if any defiance arose he would deal with it with and iron fist. It was his way or the highway. He has this attachment to things and materials that he “worked for” and he sits proudly upon his throne in his home that he earned until he has to go to work again. I see nothing wrong with taking pride in what you have earned but to flaunt it so openly is so wrong and repulsive. What’s worse is that he doesn’t openly do these things, despite what I just said. He does these things in a manner where you know the message he’s trying to get across. He openly makes clear that he can easily take away anything that is yours, because he paid for it. Then he complains about how expensive children are and how much we are costing him but at the same time one can see his genuine concern and care for the wellbeing of his children. My mother had two children with another man before she met my dad and those kids are deluded beyond belief. They were both rebellious kids, perhaps because they didn’t have an actual dad, they had mine. My “half-brother” got into selling marijuana and was jumped in his apartment one night, now he has scar tissue surrounding his brain and isn’t even close to the person he once was. He now drives trucks for a living, like my father. My “half-sister” is now a bartender who is now talking once again to a guy who abuses her physically and emotionally. My half-sister does not have a good relationship with my mother so she is essentially estranged at this point. My half-brother has a better relationship with my mother but clearly harbors anger toward her. The other day he had an outburst claiming that all she ever called him was a retard and she didn’t protect him from the bad kids in elementary school and that was why he was a bad kid in life and that’s why he ended up in the position that he’s in today. I dislike both of these people because they belittle me and my accomplishments similar to that of a child who gets patted on the head for drawing a colorful picture, similar to how my father treats my accomplishments. And I can see my younger brother following in these footsteps. Already I can see evidence of a hidden-self behind his eyes. Only he isn’t so good at concealing it as I. He’s only 9 but he’s been exposed to enough evil, so to speak, to know what is right and wrong and how clearly the people around him are indulging in the wrong. I’m trying so hard to analyze these people and try and come up with a result as to why I am the person I am today: an insecure, unconfident, and anxious guy. Today I went to the gym and turned the radio off and didn’t even bother rolling the windows down as I normally do because I like the warm air brushing against my cheek and arm as I listen to whatever is on the radio. Then I refused to continue to workout because there was a person from school next to the squat rack I wanted to use and went home. I didn’t want to look stupid because I don’t have form down pat so I went home, then for some reason I started to ask myself who do I think I am trying to workout? You don’t deserve this. Why? I don’t get it. Why am I so obsessed with how other people perceive me? Why am I so anxious around other people? Sometimes I feel like I don’t have a personality and that I’m just a weirdo who has trouble connecting with other people. Why am I not attracted to women as I should be? Why can’t I be a kid who has normal friends and a normal state of mind where he doesn’t constantly worry what other people are thinking about him in a group conversation? Why is it such a challenge converting what I feel into words? Everything I used to love doing I don’t like as much anymore. I’m finally going to college and all the kids in my class are excited for freshman year and out celebrating with their friends but I, for some godforsaken reason, couldn’t care less about starting college. I used to be so excited about studying and taking on the challenge of a hard class and doing well in school. Why don’t I feel like that anymore? I’m trying to piece together the factors that might have impacted me in such a way that I feel this way and I can only come up with this idea that my parents are a pair of close-minded assholes who belittle their children and take away their confidence? What’s even more infuriating is that sometimes they’ll ask me for an honest opinion like “You’re becoming a man now, what do you think about xyz?” Where do you get off?? I’m becoming a man? What a primitive thing to say! NO **** This frustration I’ve been feeling for the longest time has evolved into hate directed toward my parents and now I’ve come to hate even myself, despite my efforts to stray away from their way of life. I’m terribly apprehensive, anxious, troubled, unsure, downright afraid of myself because I don’t even know what I am anymore. I hardly have a personality, I can’t even name the type of music I like, my old hobbies still interest me but they don’t bring as much joy as they did before. I feel numb and I can’t ****** stand it. I’m convinced that years of being mentally harassed is the result of my state of being today. I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin and I simply can’t stand it anymore. How do I get out of this hellhole?

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. It's been many years since I was in your situation. But I can recall having similar feelings way back then. I think there is a sense in which the kind of thoughts & feelings you have regarding your parents are more-or-less normal rebellion. You see how your parents have lived their lives & you want something different for yourself. However, up to now, you've been living in their home & "under their thumbs", so to speak. So you've had to put up it simply because there was really no alternative. Once you can get out on your own, while your distaste for how your parents live may not subside, your preoccupation with it likely will because you'll be away from them & living your own life.

You mentioned feeling as though you don't enjoy things you used to like as much. This may suggest that you are struggling with some depression too. No longer taking pleasure in things one used to enjoy & feeling sort-of numb are, I believe, pretty-much classic symptoms of depression. Here again, once you can get out on your own & start living your own life, you may find this depression lifts of its own accord. However if not you may want to seek the services of a counselor or mental health therapist with whom you can delve into how you are feeling about yourself in particular & your family in general.

Here are links to some articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of what to do when you feel lost & empty, plus one that describes the symptoms of teen depression, & one that offers tips on dealing with difficult family members:

When You Feel Lost

When You Feel Lost or Disconnected from Yourself | Weightless

Feeling Lost in Life: A Learning Opportunity

So, You're Lost? The Advice You'd Never Expect

Teen Depression Symptoms

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...amily-members/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/when-y...dium=popular17

Hi! I read it all and I may need to break this into different pieces to try and give you an opinion.

First, I believe you struggle with speaking out your mind because you were oppressed during your childhood. I used to have a lot of fights with my mother because she wanted me to be that way and I refused to be her little cute robot. My mother is a widow who lost my dad when I was just like 3 years old and she had to toughen up to deal with all kinds of things alone. She never married or even dated again after my dad was gone, so... you can imagine how oppressive she could be. But back to you, you had no choice but to be the perfect son, as they say, by doing everything you were told, by never defying them and always being the best kid around. Yes, your parents contributed to your communication problems, but there may be also part of your personality. Some of us don't really care about defying them, so you should try and think why it was easier or better for you to just do what you were told.

About your father... you mention that he was bullied in school and that now he takes pride in everything he's earned. Has he ever told you how he feels about his parents response to him being bullied or how he dealt with being bullied? I've learned that before judging them and hating them, it's best to come close to them and try and get as much information as possible. Maybe his parents were absent, maybe he was even more bullied at home. You could find a lot of reasons as to why he is the way he is by getting closer to him and asking. Understanding leads to forgiveness. Nobody teaches them to be parents and they only know two ways: be the same as their parents or be completely the opposite. Maybe, just maybe, he would have liked that his parents were more involved in his issues, that they gave him more direction and now he believes that bossing everyone around is the best thing to do because he believes he knows better. Or maybe he is so proud of how he could survive and be someone in life, that he copies his parents behaviour to make his children be as tough and "successful" as he is. I suggest you try to learn more about your grandparents and that you try to look at the bright side, cause there is something really good in here, but I will talk about it later.

You don't mention anything about your father being abusive to your mother, at least not openly. You just say that he likes to brag about everything he has achieved. And to me, that is okay. What it says about him is that it cost him too much to get to where he is now and that he is really proud of himself. He may still be resented because I guess no one ever believed he could have such a good life and now he has proven them wrong. The approach is unhealthy, but the core is okay. He has even proven to himself that he is not just a loser as he was treated in the past. It happens to more people than you can imagine, when they were bullied in their early years. But if he hasn't been abusive to your mother, there must be a reason why your mother calls him her King. He must provide her with something she was lacking before. Your half siblings didn't turn out so good and that may be thanks to their father. And now your mother may be thankful to your faher for giving her everything she didn't have in the past, and not just material stuff, no, something deeper, like care or even a fatherly figure, as sick as it may sound. The care a fatherly figure provides is something many women who lacked one look for in their husbands. Or stability, or true concern about their kids. That's something only your mother can tell you or you can guess by knowing more about her parents and the father of your half siblings.

About your siblings. Please do yourself a favor and don't even mind about them. They had their own issues and they still have them. Before you can do anything for them, you gotta be fine yourself. But as far as I can tell from what you wrote here, they are definitely not role models and you know it. You know that from all of you, you are the one who has a chance for a better future, so work on it and then you may be able to help them, if they want to be helped.

I told you there was something very positive in all of this: your parents are proud of you and they have said so. They give you their approval and with it may come support if you know how to ask for it. They are already saying that you have become a man and that now it's time for you to give your opinion. You have earned their respect. t what cost? You may ask, well, again, traditional families make it super hard for us to speak up when we are still children and immature to their eyes. But now you've earned it. Know how to use it. As hard as it may be for you, try to give your opinion when it comes to little things, you gotta start small until you find your own voice.

When you say that your father is always complaining how expensive raising a child is, what I hear is that he is telling you not to waste the chance he is trying to give all of you and that he is willing to pay whatever it costs for you to become successful guys. He doesn't know how to communicate, he learned that only by bragging and shouting he can be heard. He had to toughen up and now he doesn't know how and when he needs to soften a bit.

I could tell you to try and talk to them about how you feel. Or write a letter trying to explain them that you need help. Approach the most understanding one or the one you think cares about you the most. Maybe your dad will tell you to man up and do what you gotta do, that men can't be depressed and you know what kind of stuff. I'm trying hard not to use swear words here, lol. Maybe your mom will be more open to understand that you are not okay.


But the key here is to tell them how you feel without blaming them, without pointing the finger. What do you want? To change them or to be fine yourself regardless of how they are? It's time for you to build your own life and you can only do so by focusing on yourself.

In my experience, people who can be so obedient and submissive, have some kind of personality that allows them to be so, if not, you would have had an outburst before. If you understand what part of you helped you be the golden boy in the house, as much as it's hurting you now, you can take advantage of it and make it one of your stronger features. The real challenge is to find your voice. Your father could help you, as hard as it may be to believe. If you come in a peaceful way to him and ask for guidance and advice, telling him that it's hard for you to make friends, that sometimes you feel to shy to participate in class or stuff like that, even telling him that you have noticed that he always says what he thinks, he may soften a little because he will feel important and you will also build a bond between the two of you, helping to wash away all the resentment and hate you feel for him. It's all about communication.


You could try to write to us in here or you can even open a Twitter account to train yourself to share your own feelings and thoughts. It's something you have to learn and you know tht it requires practice. In any case, you may as well need a professional opinion. You are depressed, who wouldn't be? But sometimes changing our perspective helps a lot to feel a little better. And a professional counselor can help you further. This is just my opinion and what I guess from what you wrote.


But there is one think I can tell you for sure: you earned your right to be an adult, you earned your right to give your opinion when asked, you totally earned their respect and they show it as approval. Believe it, like truly believe it, cause you really earned.


I wish you the best.

Counseling. Worked wonders for me. At first I seen a psychologist. He taught me why I was the way I was, and my father's influence on that. Then he guided me in how to change. I feel for you, but it is all very fixable! Through the years I've seen counselors on occasion to help me through rough spots. Good luck-you can and will get through this!