I always break up with them, no matter how good they are

I know I am a handful. I know I am a very difficult person. I don't know how to fight and I don't know how to have a healthy argument when things are not okay in a relationship. And I am fully aware that everytime that there are problems and some of them really hurt me, I say I want to break up. Every single time.


I can't remember a time when I wasn't like this. My best friends and my mother keep telling me that I can make anyone desperate, that I can be incredibly annoying, but they keep up with me because they love me and they know that I am not just that. My mother and my best female friend are incredibly patient, but even them decide to stop talking to me for days when I get in my super annoying mode. I am stubborn and I am kind of hypersensitive, so there are times when everything annoys me, not to mention that I am mildly depressed because I lost my beloved pet to cancer and I am really angry at many people and many things.

No matter if I am with a good man or a true abuser, I always threaten them with breaking up when I feel hurt, when they don't listen to me, when I feel like they are not paying enough attention to me. I know that it's not the way to have a healthy relationship, but I just can't help it. When things get too hard for me, I just want out. I want to go back to being alone because it's way more comfortable, because I don't have to deal with unneccesary stress.


So I tell them I wanna break up. Sometimes they have threatened me with never comeing back or even worse, with hurting themselves. Sometimes they have just told me "if that's what you want". Either way, I don't really wanna break up, so I calm down and apologize and even beg them to take me back, because deep down I know I provoked the whole situation.


Usually they take me back and things go back to normal, because they also know I am a very difficult person, but to them I am worth it. The one that didn't take me back after the third time I did this to him, I knew I had to break up with him cause we had no future together, so I didn't really care.

But I know there's something wrong with me. I know threatening with or actually breaking up just because there's something painful or uncomfortable is not the best way to deal with anything in this life.


I am a 35 year old lawyer and I don't just run away from every uncomfortable situation. I know how to keep going when it comes to my job and my family. I just can't understand why I always have to say "I wanna break up" when what I really want is to have a conversation where we both come to a solution. But it comes out of my mouth automatically, I don't even struggle that much thinking if I should do it or not. In my mind it goes like "I don't want to, but I have to break free."

This brought me to many many problems with the best man I've known so far. He is amazing, but that may be a story for another time. Now I wanna focus on myself, because even if he forgives me one more time, I am the problem.

If anyone could help me understand why I do this, I will really appreciate it. Thanks a lot for your time, guys.

I'm sorry you are struggling with this. Realistically I can't tell you what's going on here. I suspect this is something you're going to need to delve into, at-length & in-depth, with the help of a skilled therapist. Perhaps some other members, here on PC, will have had some similar experiences they can share. Here are links to some articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of self-sabotage that may be of interest:

Self-Sabotage: A Pathway to Destruction

Why I Self-Sabotage

Breaking the Link Between Low Self-Esteem and Self-Sabotage

For me, it's hard to know precisely why anyone does anything, tbh. Maybe the reason why you say "you want to break up" is because you feel attacked or devalued somehow, and in that moment, at that specific time, yes, you actually did want to break up. So, it's impulsiveness of some sort, which is not uncommon but can lead to sticky situations, sure.

I used to do this. It was my way of getting them to change or to give me what I needed and wanted the most.

By threatening a breakup, it sometimes forces the other person to bend to your wishes. But you're right -- it's not a healthy response or a healthy pattern to develop. The better way is to be upfront with your needs, wishes and desires and to have an adult conversation with the person about it. Or, to simply express your hurt feelings. "When you said that, it hurt my feelings", or "I felt hurt by what you did."

I found mostly that I threatened breaking up within an abusive relationship, where my needs were constantly not being met and when I was constantly being disrespected. But you say you do this even in good/positive relationships, so this is something to work on within yourself and to change.

Next time it happens, PAUSE and think before you speak or react. Take your time, and stop yourself from saying the words. Then take your time and think about what you really want and need, and figure out a better way to say it to the person.