Living with fiance who has a generalized anxiety disorder, not sure if I can continue

Some background:
We've been together for 3yrs total (I proposed to her 1 year later and we've been living together since (past 2 years now). I am 41 yr old a man and she is 39 yrs old.
Ever since I've known her, she always got frustrated over things that bothered her. She has always been quick to react, and just comes across like a *****, but I grew to understand that she had another issue; she eventually told me that she has a generalized anxiety disorder, even has therapy (I’ve attended as well) and medication to help, and it has helped tremendously, but just not enough as this issue I’m upset about below, usually happens 1-3 times a week.

The problem:
She does have anxiety about things in general, and I support her and love her though that, but the thing I can't deal with is how she talks to people (include myself). Not all conversations are bad, just the ones that she gets annoyed/frustrated by, and then the disrespectful tone comes out, it’s a tense tone and demeanor that I think just happens way to frequently. She doesn’t insult, but it’s her angry tone and attitude I have a problem with. I used to call her out, by saying in a nice but concerning way, “Hey, you were kinda mean,” but lately I’ve been just saying that she is talking disrespectful and sometimes I just get angry and have to leave the room. I feel bad for her, and I understand she doesn't have the ability to think clearly under her emotions, it’s not easy for anyone especially someone with an anxiety disorder, but not sure if I can live like this. I feel the anger/tension she puts onto others, whether they deserve it or not, and it happens quite often enough that I can’t live like this. I talk to her about it, and she says I don’t understand how other people are or that I don’t understand where she’s coming from. I tried putting myself in her place, and sometimes think maybe I’m the one who’s wrong. But her disrespect towards others happens more than I can handle, even though most are short in duration, but I don’t think I can live like this. I recently bought a book (about couples who have an anxious partner) I wanted to read with her, and she thanked me for it. I sometimes say, this is just the way she is, and this is just the way I am, or maybe think one day she will get better at this since she has shown tremendous growth in other areas, but know deep down I don’t like it and don’t want to live like this. Any advice?

Ok....I am going to be straight up on this....anxiety or NOT is NO EXCUSE for treating anyone like crap or disrespect. That is a learned behavior, not just caused by the anxiety.

I say this because I was there myself. The angry tone & words for me were learned in my growing up years dealing with my dysfunctional parents (I had no idea were dysfunctional but their behaviors created internal anxiety that came out as fighting against it) Then I got married to a guy who was just like them. My anxiety & anger just built up & never resided. That marriage build-up was over another 33 years & by the time I left I was literally seeing red & it effected how I related to others outside family.

When I left I moved 2100 miles away. At first, my angry way of dealing with things that frustrated & caused me anxiety followed me until one day I was having issues getting paperwork resolved for a very expensive med to be covered by the drug company. I must have had words with the staff at the MD'S office because at my next appointment my MD commented that talking to his staff that way was unacceptable & would not be ok ever again.

That was my wake up call that it was NOT necessary to treat or talk to people bad the way I had learned to do. I started workibg on change & learning how to diplomatically express my needs no matter how much anxiety I was feeling. After I started working on that I got into amazing DBT therapy & the section on Interpersonal Effectiveness helped me learn how to express myself even better under stressful situations.

I started changing at the age of 55 & have continued working at still at the age of 65. In other words it is NOT just who we are but change will ONLY happen when the person feels the need to change.

There may be undwrlying issues she doesn't even understand.....there was for me. I went into my marriage feelung like I had to fight for what I wanted in my life (my degree & my career) & before I got married there was an insedent that caused me to lose respect & trust in the behaviors of my fiance. It was not about being unfaithful but it was all about his attitudes toward things tbat actually irritated me to the point I wanted to call off the wedding but ended up rationaling his behaviors.....I was wrong.....but at 21 I really didn't know any better & having a very dysfunctional mom who had no idea about life she was no help because she settled for my dad because at 19 he was the only guy who had ever had any interest in her even though he was as dysfunctional as she was. (Long involved explaination)

I had 54 years if developing the way I responded. I didn't even realize how stressful & anxiety causing those 54 years of my life had been until I left my marriage after both if my parents had died over the years. It was the less anxiety in my life wurh people that gave me the insight of just how anxiety causing my environment had been.....but it also gave me a chance to learn a functional way to respond in anxiety causing situations. This PROVED to me that change is possible.....& having to go back & interface with my H dealing finally with the divorce (another long explaination) validated that I actually had been able to change & NOT respond in thebsame way I had at the time I left.

There is no excusing away or rationalizing away your fiance's behavior. If she feels the need to change she will.....if not, this will continue & only escalate with the years.

She needs to learn what the foundational cause for the way she responds actually is....it is NOT just generalized anxiety that is tbe cause.....you can bet on it though the why may take a deep complex understanding of her past & present underlying feelings that she may not be able to get in touch with. It took me until my 60's tonreally see the big picture of my life to understand what all had happened. Something I wasn't able to see when I was right in the middle of living it though it was sure obvious looking back.

Realizing that you no longer want to live the way things have been going, is a start. Eskie raises a point about rationalizing that's important to hear. In the world of semantics, some would consider that excuse making or walking on eggshells.

There's having anxiety, then there's having poor behavior. Behavior is about choice, in my opinion.

It's not up to you to rescue her from herself, which is how it comes accross reading about how to deal with a partner with GAD. Focus needs to be one what you will or will not tolerate(boundaries), and what your expectations are within the home(boundaries) and relationship(boundaries).

You can only control your own reactions and behaviors. She needs to work on hers, as those are her responsibilities.

Anxiety has absolutely nothing to do with this atrocious negative social behaviour. At least not in my books. One should still be able to behave themselves. While I do think GAD affects us socially I am pretty sure that would play out as introversion instead of aggressively assertive. In my opinion she is using GAD as an excuse to be irresponsible and downright rude.

In the meantime, you need some support and understanding for what you are enduring. I suggest you find a support group for friends and family members of those with mood disorders.

I agree that this behavior is not acceptable. I would definitely be direct with her how you feel because this won’t get better on its own and you shouldn’t have to tolerate it.