After traumatic events, Can or should my relationship be repaired?

Hi there,

Looking for some advice, feeling really lost right now and I don't know what to do with myself or who to ask for help.

I've been with my partner for 8.5 years.
In general it feels as though life wont let us be happy together or both of us are just so worn out and traumatized I don't know what to do.
He is my best friend, we can chat quite easily, we have a lot of the same interests, well used to actually maybe not so much anymore.

I feel like I'm traumatized and struggling mentally to hang on.

We met when I was 18, he was 20. We were both young, spirited and big dreamers. We moved in/to a different city together after 6 months, and everything started going wrong after that.

His parents were very abusive alcoholics. From the very first time I met them, they back me up against a wall and yelled down my throat about how I should be cleaning his house and that i'm not good enough. I would just stand there in shock. They would never show up when they said they were going to, it always at random and conveniently when I had plans. Over time his father was nicer, but his mother became far worse.

I lost my job, he buried himself in pot and gaming. I got a job, he quit his straight after and was determined to 'get away from society' live in a hippy commune of some sort. I was so in love with him that I sold everything and followed him. We were pretty much homeless, couch crashing between relatives, finding work where we could. I couldn't take it anymore so I left to go back to my hometown and old job, and he followed.

Soon after I found out I was pregnant. I felt pressured into making this decision, and was promised the world of support from my partner and parents. I had my son when I was 20.

During my pregnancy I was working. He worked for 2 months lost his job and then I found out the was $30K in debt for his sports car, then was unemployed for 10 months after. He spent most of his time smoking pot, going out with friends, playing video games and working on his car. I was alone, upset and depressed. He only seemed to care after a fight. He would do just enough to keep me hanging on, like pick me a flower.

He was on the verge of bankruptcy and I was supporting him. He kept telling me his was working on his car to sell it for a higher price, but that never happened and I was guilt tripped into letting him keep it and putting my and my sons savings on the loan.

His mother threatened me, she would yell at me and back me up into a corner. Saying I'm a *****, I'll never be apart of their family, I'll never or my son will never be a 'insert surname'. Refuse for me to go to the toilet, outside or see my family. This continued until recently. She would walk in on me in the shower, using the excuse of 'I need to wash my hands' or I just wanted to let you know the floors need vacuuming. Then body shamed me afterwards. I've never seen a woman drink 3 cartons of wine consecutively in a night. My partner would always say, 'Well I'm not my mother' and ignore it.

He finally got a job. He spent most of time working, every morning yelling at me like clockwork, and straight to gaming in the evening. I spent my time raising my son, studying and later got a part-time job. After 2 years, his contract ended. He cheated on me, wouldn't talk about it. He was determined to move interstate - 12 hours away from my family. His reasoning was that he was approved for a fee-free diploma in engineering and our family would be better off.

The move was terrible, nothing went to plan, or I could say my partner didn't listen to me at all and instead recruited his drunken parents to help (ruin everything). We ended up in a caravan park for 4 months.

After finding a house and moving in finally, a week later I ended up in hospital after having a hypokalemic attack/temporary paralysis. He doctors put it down to stress. His mother came over to 'help' instead she got drunk every day abusing me. It was too much, I went to ring the cops and my partner threatened me, saying if you do this we are breaking up.

My son was in childcare luckily for 3 of the those days, the other days we would hide out in his bedroom or outside mostly. Her behavior got worse, on the final day she locked my in my bedroom, no food, no water, I couldn't go to the toilet, she gave me a cup to piss in. She would come in during ad breaks to yell at me to her heart's content. I hid under the bed at one stage, so she poked me with a broom.

After that our relationship broke down completely. I was looking at separating, but I kept getting sick all the time and found it too hard/was scared to be a single parent alone with no family support (12 hours away).

He never ended up getting his diploma, he was working, but other than that gaming instead.

In amoungst those years there were scattered good times. Going to the beach, out in nature, going out to dinner(which I always had to organise). But every special day, birthdays, christmas, mothers day - to him, he didn't care, it was apparently just 'fueling corporations'. I got him presents every year for everything. He tried a couple times, but then just couldn't care. Would take a day off to spend it in bed.

I had given up. The best I was hoping for was just to do my best for my son and family. To live for my kids. We decided to have another child 3 years ago, so our son would have another sibling.

Then fast forward.

2 and a half years ago.
He proposed in our lounge room out of the blue. I was sweaty, smelly, had spent the whole day cleaning, cooking and just got our son into bed.
I said yes.
But then immediately felt bad. 2 days later I said no. I told him that I felt like he didn't actually love me and if we were to get married, he would need to show me. I also said that I wouldn't unless his mother either took back what she said many times about not letting us get married, destroying it, me etc. or she could not come.

Another 2 days later, he was injured at work. He was shocked off a faulty appliance and had nerve damaged throughout his right arm/shoulder/neck.
I was 6 months pregnant at the time.

I cared for him, supported him, I did every thing for our household and organised his medical/legal.
Somehow, I found a strength I never knew I had, and I stopped feeling so bad about myself.

He changed in a lot of ways. He stopped yelling, he actually became more compassionate and understanding. He started being a good father.
He still does not have much use of his arm, although can do small things around the house. I can definitely tell he loves our children, but I can't tell if he loves me.

His mother never changed. She continued to be abusive.
Recently, after she made accusations, saying my daughter isn't apart of her family, because no one in her family has blue eyes, my partner can't be the father. The way it was said, I saw that as her painting a target on the back on my daughter.

My mind snapped. I yelled at her in front of everyone, and told her that her behavior was disrespectful. I've never lost control like that before.

I laid down the condition that she can't see my children until she gets help for alcoholism, starts acting more respectfully, and apologizes to me and my children for everything.

My partner wanted to separate. I agreed.
I left to visit my mother for a few days. When I came back he was begging me to stay. His parents made threats about me and my children on social media. I wish I didn't see my partners messages. He was agreeing with them.
He would say, I didn't mean it that way, you don't understand what I meant.

He has begged for us to stay together.
He has promised to support our family unit.

But I'm crushed. I'm traumatized.
I feel like I gave up everything for this man.
He is my best friend, or was?
I don't love him any more, its disappeared and replaced by a feeling of emptiness and nausea.
All trust has been broken.
I feel broken.

I've seen a psychologist and he has pointed out certain patterns of behaviour were abusive, that I didn't realized.
He thinks that my partner was conditioned to his parents abusive behavior, he thought that was normal (although they didn't treat him that way?)
He thinks it normal that I am anxious considering.
He hasn't had much to say with regard to our relationship other than focus on my children.

We're in separate bedrooms now.
But I'm struggling to cope with everything or be around him.
I don't hate him at all, I just feel so sad and sick around him.
I feel so traumatized by everything.

My mind broken and I'm reliving every moment from the past - good and bad, mostly bad and re-prosessing it. I feel like I was so blinded by love, but that blind is now gone. I'm depressed and anxious.
Holding it in in front of my children, always a happy face because I love them. Later crying myself to sleep at night.

Should I save this relationship for my children?
Can I ever overcome this trauma? or will it just break me even further trying to live like this?
How can I ever trust him again?
How can I leave him when he's impaired now and can't look after himself?

Thanks,
A lost mother

Hello clairebear: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

I'm sorry you have experienced so much abuse & sadness in your life. You asked if you should save this relationship for your children. It's just my personal opinion mind you. But I would say continuing to allow your children to grow up in the environment you describe is itself abusive. You know what being in this relationship has done to you. And you're an adult. Imagine growing up with it from childhood. I suspect your children are going to need a lot of therapy, as it is, to get over the trauma of having lived through this. Continuing to subject them to it is just going to compound the misery, to my way of thinking.

Can you ever overcome the trauma or will it just break you even further? My personal perspective would be there is no way to overcome this trauma as long as you continue to subject yourself & your children to it. Sooner or later it will break you... & probably your children too. Certainly it is possible for both you & your children to heal. But not so long as you remain in this abusive environment I don't believe.

How can you ever trust him again? I personally doubt you can. Your partner needs serious mental health help himself. And you, he & your children need to cut his parents out of your lives permanently, in my opinion. Then, perhaps, healing can begin & renewed trust is possible. But not under the present circumstances I don't believe. And if your partner won't or can't realize he needs serious mental health help then I don't see how any substantive changes can occur.

How can you leave him when he's impaired & can't look after himself? Your first duty, it seems to me, is to your children. Your partner is an adult. And he has to take responsibility for himself. Your children's lives should not be sacrificed to his care needs. He can change if he wants to. He can do the difficult things that must be done to end the abuse & begin to put things right. If he will not it's not for you or your children to sacrifice your futures for him.

I can hardly imagine, I would presume, how excruciatingly difficult this all is, & will likely continue to be for you. Hopefully you can find some help & support for yourself & your children. You mentioned you've seen a psychologist. That's a good start! I don't know if you are continuing to see him. But, from my perspective, I think it would be important to either continue to see him or another mental health professional. Also, if there are any support services available where you live for women escaping abusive relationships, that could perhaps be another important resource for you. I see you live in Australia. I don't know what kinds of services are available to you there. You mentioned your own family along the way in your post. Hopefully they can be of help to you as well.

Here are links to some articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of abusive relationships & how to escape them, including a quiz you can take to help you come to an understanding of your circumstances:

Recognizing Emotional Abuse | The Recovery Expert

21 Warning Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship

Signs of Emotional Abuse

Are You Trapped In An Abusive Relationship?

Lame Excuses Used to Defend Abusive Behavior | The Exhausted Woman

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...-relationship/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/recov...e-after-abuse/

https://psychcentral.com/library/domestic_quiz.htm

My best wishes to you & your family...

I can't tell or force you to leave him. But that fact that you feel like this is highly concerning. It'd be one thing if he and his family showed any signs of being respectful and cooperative with you, but they're not. A family should be supporting, caring, and trustworthy. No one should feel obligated to do anything in a relationship. It should just come naturally.

Sometimes that feeling is a result of anxiety, but it sounds like your feelings of emptiness are legitimate. That's so much you had to go through; coming here and typing this all out was not easy for you to do!

There's been trends of your SO not following up with his promises/not supporting you, and his parents clearly emotionally abuse you. I think you had every right to "snap" when you did at his mother, but that's just me

PM me if you ever need to vent. I hope you take some time to consider what YOU want and what's best for YOU (and your children). I'm sure you want to stay with your husband for your kids, but do you think they'll be happy having his parents as their grandparents? They don't even believe they're your kids!

Tiny Beautiful Things is a great book, a compilation of advice from Cheryl Strayed. Here's an excerpt that I think is powerful to read.

Here's a link to another article, from PsychCentral's archives, I just stumbled upon that I thought might be of interest to you:

Are You Staying Too Long in a Relationship?

Thank you both so very much for your advice and honesty.
I really appreciate it so very much!
I really needed to hear that from someone, in my heart I know you are right.
My children are everything to me and I will do my best for them, and try to for myself as well.

I'm going to keep seeing my psychologist, he's been working with me a lot the past 6 months to stop being so passive and be more assertive with my life.
I'm also on a waiting list for another psyc who deals more with trauma and certain therapies.

There are a few community organisations that offer support for women, I'll see if I can get in touch with them about how I should approach everything with regards my relationship.

Thank you for sharing all those links!
It put a lot of things into perspective, especially the advice from Cheryl Strayed.

There's so much out there now for research about the effects of staying in a dysfunctional home and how it has ill effect and serious ramifications on the children.
The major advice would involve if you do leave know your rights and limitations. For instance, with children, know how far you can or cannot travel. Reach out to a woman's shelter for information. They can perhaps, also assist you in getting back on your feet and help you give stability to yourself and your children.