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Default Sep 15, 2018 at 03:54 PM
  #1
Is it just normal for a significant other to not want their cell phones accessible to their partner, and why? Back when we just had a phone on the wall we couldn't lock them, so why is it normal to lock a cellphone. Does this not seem like there is something to hide?
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Default Sep 15, 2018 at 04:18 PM
  #2
Does your SO make a point of keeping their phone hidden from you? And does it SEEM like they're hiding something and being particularly private and/or careful? If it feels that way, then it is most likely true.

And no, I don't believe i's normal. My SO is totally open book with me and says I can look in his phone if I ever wanted to and that there's nothing he'd ever hide from me.
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Default Sep 16, 2018 at 09:01 AM
  #3
I think it comes down to whether the locking of the phone is a direct result of having been monitored? Or it's new and there is something being hidden?

Ideally, 2 phones in the same room could sit there without a password and no desire from either to look at the other's phone.

Sounds like a needed conversation about trust?
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Default Sep 16, 2018 at 09:39 AM
  #4
Our phones are locked for safety reasons (if stolen or somebody at work would get into it-nature of our jobs). We don’t bother unlocking them when at home. We don’t have anything to hide but we have no interest to check each other phones either.

I don’t think it’s realistic to compare cell phone to landline. Smart phones have ton of info on them such as financial, medical, pictures, emails, work related info etc People don’t just use the phone to make phone calls. I actually do everything on my phone including work related paperwork
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Default Sep 16, 2018 at 10:49 AM
  #5
I don't have the time out feature set up on mine by virtue of it being a pia to me to unlock it. But the press of a button and it is locked. I do have some work related stuff, myself, that's frankly no one's business. My exh used to check my phone. He was before this job.
I don't deal with the idea of free range proves nothing to hide. And if there's unfulfilled needs going on within an relationship, communication over prying is better relationship health.
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Default Sep 17, 2018 at 03:21 PM
  #6
Thanks everyone. I know there's a difference, cell vs home phone, but not when there's no data and it's just used for calling or texting. Anyways. It's a fairly new thing he's doing. Apparently he says if he leaves it in his pocket or at work somehow the battery is dying because it will turn the camera on or unlock, even with a pass code.

But I asked him why he doesn't want me looking anymore. He said it's b/c I deleted my own text I sent him. I guess he's right, I don't have a right to do that, even if its me that sent it. But I don't think that's all there is to it somehow.

He could hide things in other ways if he really wanted to. So yeah, free access doesn't mean there's nothing to hide. It's me that has to show some trust, it just made me suspicious, I have issues, my ex used to sleep with the stupid cellphone and I found out he was cheating. Anyways, thanks. I guess it's a boundary issue.

I really didn't care until he acted this way, saying I cant touch his phone. I stay at his place by myself and I'd never go in his drawers or look at his mail. Its just the darn phone bugs me, when the guy is afraid to just leave it on the table when before there was no problem. He'd even ask me to check who texted when he was busy or driving before. I don't really think its just because i deleted one stupid text of mine. Well it's up to me to decide to just trust him.
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Default Sep 21, 2018 at 02:21 PM
  #7
Cell phones are not at all like land lines. Land lines did one thing. let you call, be called and take voice mail. Cell phones and especially now, smart phones are personal information troves. They have information from where you've been, what you do in your daily life, contact information, etc. They are basically mini personal computers now and there is a good reason to lock them in general.

I personally find that there isn't anything appalling or questionable about wanting your private smart phone kept private from everyone. In today's world where everything is really easily accessible and open, there is a need for our own private space. With everything becoming digital, it even, for many people could hold their own personal diary which, I believe, no one here would have a problem with others being locked out of. Furthermore the smartphone itself is almost a diary of our own habits and not everything even between loving partners necessarily needs to be shared. even in a good marriage or partnership, some right to privacy should be held. The best place for one to keep such private thoughts and/or information would be a smart phone and personal computer of which, I actually do lock everyone out of.

I do not believe that in and of itself locking your personal devices, including phones from your partner is in any way a sign of someone being deceitful. note I did not say "hiding something" because frankly those words are misleading. of course if you keep our phone private you're hiding everything in there but that does not imply deceit or that that information is in any way wrong. Except in the case where a partner has proven to do things that were questionable (flirting beyond acceptable limits, cheating, or otherwise lying and deceiving) In that case, there may be reason to believe that in the spirit of building trust again that that person should keep their information unlocked. Under normal circumstances though I don't think it's wrong at all.

But again, this information that I share is subjective and based on my own perspective and belief about such things and honestly these things depend on the level of trust and the expectations agreed upon between partners and likely varies a lot between couples. In other words, the discussion should really be taken up with the partner to come to a compromise or agreement and no one here can really dictate whether the act of locking a device is acceptable or not for other people's situations.
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Default Sep 21, 2018 at 04:14 PM
  #8
I am married and I have no interest to see what’s on my husbands phone. I can’t care less.

The fact that you want access to a boyfriends phone and you two don’t even live together perhaps indicates some deeper issues that need to be addressed.

Your previous posts indicate that your relationship and this man are troubled and he isn’t nice to you. He also seemed to avoid commitment. Perhaps worries about his phone is a just a symptom of relationship issues here?

Also perhaps you worry he might be seeing other women since you yourself were seeing other men while seeing him? Or is this a new boyfriend, not the one with addictions etc?

Bottom line you want access to his phone because the whole relationship isn’t healthy and isn’t going right direction, otherwise you’d likely wouldn’t care what he does with his phone.

Do you see a therapist?

Last edited by divine1966; Sep 21, 2018 at 04:27 PM..
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Default Sep 21, 2018 at 04:45 PM
  #9
Great points divine. I don’t know the backstory but wanting to go into his phone does seem intrusive and mistrustful, indicating a possibly unhealthy relationship. His change could indicate possible cheating and/or hiding something.
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Default Sep 21, 2018 at 05:46 PM
  #10
If he's behaving differently with his phone then in my eyes, it's the behavior that needs addressing. It can be worded in ways that have absolutely nothing to do with the phone itself. I think it's ok to ask if everything is alright between you. I think it's ok to say, you seem a little withdrawn or guarded, wanna talk? Conversations like that deserve being had.
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Default Sep 22, 2018 at 03:40 PM
  #11
I really appreciate the time and thoughtful responses you guys made to my post. Thank you all. I thought I'd explained my comcern was the change in behavior and his answer was clear like i said above. I like to hear others opinions on what is private and shouldn't be expected to be shared. S4ndm made me realize a lot. You all have.
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Default Sep 22, 2018 at 03:44 PM
  #12
Well, even if you live together, you're still two different people... I think each one has the right to a little privacy.
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Default Sep 22, 2018 at 04:56 PM
  #13
I agree with Mickey. I never ask my fiance to show me his phone or his messages. And vice versa. We respect each other's right to privacy and trust one another, most importantly. We don't want to or need to know each other's business in that way -- and if he ever wanted to vent to a friend about anything I've done that upset him, he has that right without me knowing, and vice versa.
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Default Sep 22, 2018 at 06:54 PM
  #14
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Originally Posted by golden_eve View Post
I agree with Mickey. I never ask my fiance to show me his phone or his messages. And vice versa. We respect each other's right to privacy and trust one another, most importantly. We don't want to or need to know each other's business in that way -- and if he ever wanted to vent to a friend about anything I've done that upset him, he has that right without me knowing, and vice versa.
Great point. I text with my daughter all kind of stuff not for guys eyes, just girly stuff or she shares with me her personal life. My husband wouldn’t want to read it even if it was in front of his face and certainly would never ask to see.

Sometimes it’s not just our privacy but also others’ who we might be talking/texting/emailing to.

Also our work emails are on both our phones and we both have very confidential info on there, it would be potentially HIPPA violation for others to see it even if they are our spouses.

But I think if people suspect their loved ones cheat then it’s a different issue all together and seeing their phones won’t solve that. Cheaters find ways to cheat.
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Default Sep 22, 2018 at 07:55 PM
  #15
I disagree with your idea that you "should" trust him. The fact is that you don't trust him. I don't think you can make yourself trust anyone. Whether it's due to being betrayed in a previous relationship, or due to how this relationship has played out, you don't have a ton of trust that this guy isn't scanning the horizon for other women to take an interest in. I say, "Why concern yourself?" If someone else becomes important to him, there'll be other signs besides him keeping his phone away from you. Focus on the relationship that you have with him. If he doesn't treat you right, focus on that. If he is treating you okay, build on that.

In the case of your ex, the relationship between you and him was awful. (Based on previous threads.) It didn't become bad because he got involved with someone else. It was bad. Whether he had a woman on the side was almost beside the point. You were treated crappy . . . over a long period of time. I, personally, don't understand the thinking that goes along the lines of, "As long as I'm the only woman in his life, I'm happy." (Not saying that's your thinking.) And, if you are this guy's one and only, that doesn't automatically make it a good relationship. Sometimes a guy is faithful simply because he can't find anyone else who'll be bothered with him. So I would say: concentrate on what goes on when the two of you are together. There's enough material to work with right there.

Back to your original question. Cell phones are very personal posessions. I can see borrowing his phone, if yours is out of juice, and you need to make a call. Beyond that there is no good reason to be rummaging around to find out what is in that phone. It makes you seem pathetic to him. If he loses interest in you because he's found someone else, you won't need info from his cell phone to make that clear. So process what is right there for you to know - how he treats you.
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Default Sep 23, 2018 at 03:44 PM
  #16
I suppose this all depends on the foundation of your guys' relationship and past trust issues.

Whereas I can see the whole "we don't hide anything from each other" outlook, I also am partial to everything doesn't have to be shown to my partner thing.

I've got some trust issues myself and find it weird when my partner won't leave the room I'm in without his phone. That strikes a nerve with me sometimes because it would be in the case that he just forgot his water cup downstairs and I don't understand why he needs his phone to just retrieve his cup. But I think we are all attached to our phones and it's just instinct to not leave it.

But I'm choosing to trust him. It takes a lot I know, especially if we've got some baggage that we haven't unpacked from the previous relationships.
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Default Sep 25, 2018 at 02:46 AM
  #17
Better question, why do you want to look in his phone.
Absolutely nothing is private anymore.
I have nothing in my phone I need to hide from my fella, but I don't want him going through it, I have unfinished writings, surprises for family members, a journal that is definitely not for the eyes of others.
And I don't need to check his to know he has been checking out underwear models on his Twitter feed, 😂
Cos I know his preferences, and that's okay.
Besides he forwards half the pictures asking if I would wear it.🙈

I just think we are expected to give up too much of ourselves these days, until there is nothing left that is just our own.

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Default Sep 26, 2018 at 05:36 AM
  #18
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Originally Posted by ohmydaisy View Post
I suppose this all depends on the foundation of your guys' relationship and past trust issues.

Whereas I can see the whole "we don't hide anything from each other" outlook, I also am partial to everything doesn't have to be shown to my partner thing.

I've got some trust issues myself and find it weird when my partner won't leave the room I'm in without his phone. That strikes a nerve with me sometimes because it would be in the case that he just forgot his water cup downstairs and I don't understand why he needs his phone to just retrieve his cup. But I think we are all attached to our phones and it's just instinct to not leave it.

But I'm choosing to trust him. It takes a lot I know, especially if we've got some baggage that we haven't unpacked from the previous relationships.
Are there previous events that occurred that made you not trust him or vice versa? Events which made you feel you needed to see what's in his phone?

If there were, then I can understand the mistrust. But if you're choosing to trust him now, that sounds healthy, as long as he is worthy of your trust and is in fact, trustworthy.

IF he's not trustworthy, then it's not a very healthy relationship.
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Default Sep 26, 2018 at 08:06 AM
  #19
Just another perspective, my phone requires a finger print access and pin number and I HAVE to keep it on because for work it requires this thing called DUO which is an authentication key because I have access to HIPPA covered information.

Aside from that, people keep their phones locked because they may have passwords saved or other confidential information and why would he unlock it around you just to make you feel better? That's such a hassle.

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Default Sep 26, 2018 at 02:23 PM
  #20
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Originally Posted by seesaw View Post
Just another perspective, my phone requires a finger print access and pin number and I HAVE to keep it on because for work it requires this thing called DUO which is an authentication key because I have access to HIPPA covered information.

Aside from that, people keep their phones locked because they may have passwords saved or other confidential information and why would he unlock it around you just to make you feel better? That's such a hassle.
We read each other minds! I mentioned HIPPA and other confidentially in my earlier post on this thread. I personally would worry if I unlock, I’d forget to lock again! Overall this likely isn’t “phone” issue but relationship issue. I can’t imagine any happily married/coupled people worrying about each other phones.
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