Struggling to help my husband

Hello,

Originally I had signed up to seek help and support from an online community as was coping poorly and having numerous breakdowns. I have since recovered but have been able to deal with my demons appropriately.

I’m now here to seek advice on how to help support my husband. He hates his job, he detests the people he works with. He far surpasses everyone, he has great work ethic, troubleshooting skills, really gives it his all, etc. Yet he gets passed for promotions - the guys who get them don’t finish nearly as many projects to the caliber my husband does. People (including management) often take credit for his work. This has been a huge struggle for my husband as he feels he’s not getting what he is worth. He has led a hard life, was homeless in his teenage years, his parents never supported or helped him in any way. His older siblings emotionally abused and bullied him. He blames his parents for not being able to reach his full potential (his parents favored his other siblings). It’s a bad time to find new jobs so he’s stuck but it is costing him his sanity.

I’m trying to be supportive but I’m struggling because he is so consumed by everything, has a lot of anxiety and depression with his job and family. He rarely has something positive to say and I feel as if I can’t say anything to help or change the situation. I’m not sure what else to do. He has sought help, practices mindful meditation but none of it really works. Any advice or feedback would be appreciated. I just feel helpless and want to do more to help my husband.

Thank you for reading and listening.

Hello Dvspg: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral!

Personally I don't know as there is much you can do with regard to your husband's work situation. This is something I believe he is going to have to figure out for himself. I don't know where you live, of course. But where I live this is actually a very good time to be looking for work. Employers can't find people to fill vacant positions. But then perhaps your feeling that this is a bad time to be looking for new jobs has more to do with your family circumstances than with the job market? Or perhaps the job market where you live is just different.

You mentioned your husband is struggling with a lot of anxiety & depression. That would certainly make getting out & seeking new employment difficult especially while trying to continue to hold down an existing job. Here are links to some articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that offer tips with regard to things you can do to help a loved one who is struggling with depression & anxiety. Perhaps some of the information in these articles will be of some help:

How To Help A Stressed Or Depressed Loved One

How Couples Can Help Each Other De-stress and Improve Their Relationship

9 Best Ways to Support Someone with Depression

10 Ways to Help Someone Who's Depressed

Suffering in Silence: When Your Spouse Is Depressed

https://psychcentral.com/blog/12-dep...sters-for-men/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/menta...ks-or-anxiety/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...xious-partner/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

You are right....you can't say or do anything to change the situation he seems to be trapped in.

He is the ONLY one who can change. Yes, the job environment might be bad but unless he puts resumes out there he will be guaranteed to miss any possible opportunities to leave that company.

The other thing goes well beyone mindful meditation if he chooses to stay. He definitely needs to change his attitude toward his position. Not easy but DBT calls it Radical Acceptance. Basically that is accepting the current circumstances UNTIL something can change.

The other option is what happened to me in my aerospace computer engineering career. I tried to hang in there excelling but hating the position I ended up in. I ended up having a breakdown & was never able to go back to my career. This is NOT a good option based on personal experience.

As for blaming childhood circumstances on adult success there is plenty of proof out there with individuals who have succeeded in spite of their bad & abusive childhoods.

My Ex -H tried to blame his lack of career success on the fact that he went to a state university instead of Cal Tech....but I pointed out that his lack of good GPA was because of his attitude not the university we went to. Also pointed out the fact that his younger brother got his masters from the same university & was excelling & had moved up to associate director of the company he works for. My EX was irritated that he didn't get promotions too but he didn't have the ability to move into the position of management (the next level of promotion) It was in fact his own abilities (though he was good at the technical work) that limited his promition while he blamed it on company politics. I knew all this because I worked in the same career as he did & knew exactly how it all worked even though he tried to BS me as if I were not knowledgable.

Sometimes just encouraging them to make the best of their situation is all we can do even if they think it is not being supportive. I never believed in blowing sunshine up anyone's rear because we have to learn to deal or not with REALITY.

Yes, he is my EX-H.....but for a lot more reasons than what I said here. This was just the tip of the ice berg.

I have found that a good way to be supportive is with some sense of detachment. That includes active listening. It includes not searching one ounce for job prospects. It includes relating regarding personality styles etc in workplace comparisons.
I've seen 2 partners in my life reach earning potentials that they never thought possible, so I suggest these things from experience. Neither had ideal life stories.

Thank you everyone for their advice, great articles and great feedback. It’s gotten a little bit better but there’s a lot of room for improvement. I need to stop acting so defensively and not be as sensitive - really need to patient. My husband did hear some good news about a promotion so that has really helped his mood and outlook.